Hello folks.

 

My politically incorrect entries have no doubt garnered a niche group of regular readers who appreciate the messages embedded within each article.

 

To those readers who have emailed me over the past few years, I would like to say that you folks really are too free lah, nonetheless, I appreciated it. I would have appreciated it more if you folks had sent me attachments of your naked pictures as well but shit, none of you did.

 

Acquaintances have been made from this website, and some were even developed to full blown friendships.

 

Some of you might be asking, why the melancholic feel to this entry?

 

I will be serving national service soon. Ergo, the entries to this orgasmic website will cease. Yes, im serious. No more rants about bobos, bandungs, donuts, Alyssa Milano, unshaven armpit hair or what nots, along with those killer 'Why Get Bored?' and '60 Seconds With FYI' series.

 

Some readers on my msn list are aware of my plans to publish episode based short stories on another website. You folks will be updated no doubt. To those who do want to be in the loop, just email me. I will prioritize you if your email contains a naked picture of yourself. Girls only of course. Yes im biased like that.

 

As for the rest of you, I do hope you’ve acquired a taste for bandung. Perhaps a finer appreciation for burgers and donuts. Maybe even look at bobos in a different light.

 

Who knows ehy. Till next time folks.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

FYI.

 

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Apr 25, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Relationship problems and their solutions

 

Public Service Announcement: I was at the waiting area of a certain government edifice when they were playing ‘The Lion King’ on the television sets that were hanging all over that place. All the TVs were muted, because of course god forbids if sounds were emitted from it, people will forget their original intent of being there while staff members will not be able to do their job efficiently as they might get distracted by the sounds of Simba licking himself. So there I was craning my neck at an impossible angle when it hit me. How the hell am I suppose to know what’s going on? Am I supposed to lip read lions? Am I to infer that Simba’s zygomatic major movements are a resultant of the word, ‘hello’? That’s why waiting areas can never go wrong with Mr. Bean. Mr Bean, in all his visual humor, hardly mutters and if he does, it hardly matters.

 

Alright folks, today’s article is a guide to couples. Ive listed a number of the more common problems and the solutions to those problems, as recommended by the experts. My own solutions are also listed. So you can either choose to go with the so called ‘relationship experts’ and their politically boring solutions, or you can go with my ‘so damn good I should consider publishing it’ solutions.

 

 

Problem: You arrive an hour late and your partner is fuming. What should you do now?

 

Boring Balding Therapist advises,

If your partner is a girl: Girls are very sensitive creatures. By being late, you have portrayed to your girlfriend that you have horrible time management skills. Apologize immediately and assure her that you will never be late again and buy her chocolates.

If your partner is a guy: Guys hate girls being late because they hate wasting time. Apologize to him and be close to him and remind him how great of a guy he is.

 

FYI, the great adviser with his suave skills and legendary collection of porn videos, advises,

If your partner is a girl: Ask her why she is damn early. Accuse her of meeting another guy first before meeting you. Tell her your friend saw her with another guy. Insist that she heard wrongly in regards to the meeting time. “5:30?...Sweetheart I said 7:45”.

If your partner is a guy: Give him a blowjob.

 

 

Problem: You didn’t tell your partner that you were going out with your ex. Your partner finds out. He/she starts fuming.

 

Boring Balding Therapist advises,

To both sexes: This situation has catastrophic consequences if it isn’t handled properly. Explain to your partner that there is nothing going on and that you love your partner still. Assure him/her that it was just a harmless rendezvous and next time around, you will keep your partner in the light with whoever you are meeting up with.

 

FYI, the sultan of dating and maestro of relationships, advises,

If your partner is a girl: Blame it on her. Start insisting that she’s cheating on you. Explain to her that your ex has bigger bobos. “Sweetheart you may have a degree…but gosh her bra size is a double d!”

If your partner is a guy: Give him a blowjob.

 

Problem: You walk in on your partner having sex with another person. What do you do?

 

Boring Balding Therapist advises,

To both sexes: This is a very hurtful situation to be in. Let them have some time to compose themselves and discuss with both of them how you feel in a very civil manner. Voice out your thoughts and encourage them to voice out theirs. Negotiate on an agreement.

 

FYI, im running out of creative superlatives, advises:

If your partner is a girl: Well…you can either take pictures of them and then blackmail both of them for a monthly allowance…or maybe test out your directorial skills by whipping out your camcorder and choreographing the positions. You can also kill them if you want.

If your partner is a guy: Join in. Take turns in giving him a blowjob.

 

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Apr 5, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Bring back IGallop

 

Folks, how come that IGallop ad got replaced ehy? A friend of mine was telling me that they replaced it with some artists blabbering and being politically correct. What the hell. There goes my only source of soft porn on Channel 5. Im really disappointed with you Channel 5. I felt a connection with you when you first showed the original version. It’s like that advertisement was made for me. It’s like you finally understood me. 

 

But you lead me on. Played me like a fool. You had some chick riding a horse and being annoying when some dude comes in with a killer pick up line. Oh yes that’s the only thing I like about the new version. Don’t believe the seemingly innocent question that was posed to the girl, as it belies the true intent. “<insert name>, I didn’t know you ride?”. Come on lah. That’s a porn line right there. Go download a porn video and hear it for yourself.

 

Why did you all change the ad anyway? Do you all read my site? Im guessing you folks at Channel 5 do, so, can you guys bloody stop showing Home Alone on Christmas? Rambo or Knock off or Terminator on your Monday Action night? Gosh please lah. I can memorize the script to those movies already. And if you do wanna show some other killer movies, can you please not cut out too many damn scenes. Censorship you say? Lick my balls I say. Will exposure to bobos on primetime slots cause me to suffer an acute myocardial infarction? Will it lead to a lapse in my ventromedial prefrontal cortex? I do not bloody think so. Who gave you the damn right to decide what I should be exposed to?  I do know the parameters and guidelines of one’s argument in terms of the dangers of being exposed to such material, especially so if one’s mind isn’t fully matured but please lah, everyone should at least be given a say, before a conclusion is drawn.

 

 I would like to meet the people who do the actual censorship process. I was listening to ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ on the radio the other day when this line came up;

 

‘…her boyfriend’s a dick….he brings a gun to school’.

 

The word ‘gun’ was censored. The word ‘dick’ however, was certified safe enough for us to be exposed to and to carry out our daily routine. What retarded shit is that? You know how many hormonal teens listen to that station? How can they not censor out dick? Im afraid such situations may only encourage people to be calling each other up as such;

 

“Hey Suzy darling, what are you doing?

 

“Hi Mark dear, nothing much…I was just listening to the song ‘teenage dirtbag’ on the radio when I heard the word ‘dick’ so now im just so wet and turned on’.

 

“Yea me too baby, let us meet up and have sex!”

 

“Sure thing dear, I’ll just tell my clueless parents that im doing some project at a friend’s place”.

 

Bloody hell. Im only happy with Channel 5 when they show ‘Who’s line is it anyway?’.

 

Bring back the old IGallop advertisement!

 

Please?

 

 

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Mar 31, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Special entry - WHY GET BORED? - IRC Edition

 

Folks. This is it. The Very special WHY GET BORED?- IRC Edition.

 

If you were to scroll down folks, you’ll come across an archaic entry in which I masqueraded as a seductive female chatter on IRC. Well I had such a whale of a time that I decided to do it again. Again, my nick is Linda. All chat transcripts are un-edited. These were the cream of the crop.

 

Time in: 1:25AM

 

Upon entry…I got swamped..no surprises there.

 

<V^cOkE> sianz~

<V^cOkE> u wanna fling?

<Linda> fling to where? (me playing the, ‘innocent girl’ card)

<V^cOkE> my place?

<Linda> I might need a catupult

<V^cOkE> catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is that?

<V^cOkE> wat is that?

<V^cOkE> u therE?

<V^cOkE> u wanna fling naot?

<V^cOkE> u wanna fling anot?

<Linda> y dun u build me a...catupult.baby~

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah?? (this is just so classic)

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah??

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah??

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah??

 

 

<ricks> thining of sleeping nude today

<ricks> dun u

<ricks> sometime

<Linda> do u like ponies? (notice how I subtlety change the topic)

<ricks> ponies the animal?

<Linda> yes..my pink pony

<Linda> I always buy em

<ricks> actual pony or?

<Linda> nono

<Linda> those.small.ones

<ricks> toy?

<Linda> something like it

<ricks> haha ok

<Linda> seven eleven got sell

<ricks> ur collection big? (he seems genuinely interested)

<Linda> okok only

<Linda> sometimes my bro buy for me

<ricks> hmm n wat he gets from u in return (I sense a trap)

<Linda> potatoes

<Linda> n.donuts

<ricks> hehe ok

<ricks> u into sex chat? (if all else fails, try the direct route)

<Linda> define sex chat (still holding the ‘innocent girl’ card)

<ricks> talk about sex exp or fantasy

<Linda> does ponies count?

<ricks> not really unless u use them to mas

<Linda> to malaysia?

<Linda> cannot pass custom (He stopped messaging me. Wonder why.)

 

<^Coby> harlows

<^Coby> harlows

<^Coby> harlows

<Linda> bye

<Linda> bye

<Linda> bye (well….)

 

<Linda> I find it intriguing.

<Linda> e male psychology

<suckme> it ios not

<suckme> its jus simple

<suckme> guys are horny creatures...

<suckme> but in time that have evovle to know how to lie perfectly to get sex for their liitle brother

<suckme> and they will "tell" you heaven and earth for it...

<suckme> tahts all full-stop

<suckme> of coz those that dun wan the hassles just pay for it

<suckme> in another word. a guys that dun crave sex is either impotent... or something is touched in their minds (I was enlightened)

 

<EniHs> hihi r u horny?? wanna cybersex?

<Linda> no, sorry im Linda

<Linda> wrong.person (end of conversation)

 

<LicpUs> hi

<Linda> LicpUs?

<Linda> are u like a pokemon?

<LicpUs> ?????? (Come on be honest, his nick is quite misleading isn’t it?)

 

 

<Linda> why is ur name Ivian

<Ivian> cos i am ivian

<Ivian> hah

<Linda> I tht u mineral water (I make killer jokes, I know)

 

<`KhoO> hi helo

<Linda> are u eric khoo?

<`KhoO> nope

<`KhoO> y?

<Linda> ohh (was disappointed no doubt)

 

<suntanguy> hihi ! r u very open-minded & do u fling? i'm 28/m/ch/sg, 180cm , 74kg , tanned ...u?

<Linda> im.7..i have.hairy.tits..my.own.mum.srubs.my.toes.cause.i.cant.reach.em..n.i.eat.ants (he must be thinking….'what the…')

 

<black10M> young business man seeking lady...willing to pay well.. negotiable..

<Linda> what sort of business

<black10M> computer

<Linda> what sort of computer

<black10M> hardware

<Linda> do u sell donuts? (End of convo as well, now is asking whether one sells donuts really wrong?)

 

Time out: 2:08AM

 

There you have it folks. April's fools, indeed.

 

---

 

 

Mar 25, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Olive Clone

 

There is this certain old lady that is quite prominent around my charming estate of Toa Payoh. Her visage is worn out, crow eyes tugging blatantly with an unkempt hair that has tinges of gray which framed her face rather inappropriately. It’s like she powders her head with ash for the fun of it. Her outfit is always the same. That being a one piece sapphire colored dress, which hung around her shins, further exaggerating her great height. Imagine Olive, you know, Popeye’s girlfriend, with grey hair. But of course, there’s one fundamental difference between Olive and her my dear readers. Olive doesn’t lift up her skirt in public.

 

I was queuing up at an atm near my block, you know, withdrawing money and feeling all responsible cause I was gonna give a portion of it to my mom and im like cool cause I give back to her and shit (im a role model) when lo and behold, she (Olive Clone, not my mum) came up to the queue and started shouting vulgarities at this old chap that was at the front. I wanted join her in her verbal onslaught cause I grew four years older waiting for that old chap as he caressed the buttons on the teller but Olive clone suddenly went to this small field just by the side of the machine and started erm well…for the lack of better words…defecating. Not in the verbal sense oh no….im talking rear-end sense.

 

She just started shitting. Im like ‘what the..’. The people at the queue were old Chap, cute Chinese chick and yours truly and I BET old chap had an erection cause he had this…'oh yea baby do it slowly' face. Nonetheless all of us were initially stumped, and of course Chinese chick just had to ask me if I was that guy with that killer website. I said ‘ya so’ and she went ‘oh god I love you and I want to suck your dick’ and I went ‘who doesn’t?’ but, I digress.

 

So after a full two minutes of it, not that I was counting or anything, Olive Clone stood up….inspected her creation and all of its philosophical, malodorous glory…started doing what she did best…spewing vulgarities. Old Chap, Cute Chinese chick and yours truly were not spared along with a few dozen people at the coffee shop. It was a mixture of some dialect, teochew perhaps? With the odd ‘shit’ littered randomly for good measure. She then, with an air of nonchalance if I may add, disappeared around the block. It was very well executed I must say. Kudos to Miss Olive Clone .That was by far the most exciting thing that happened to me in 2006 yet.

 

People with an unsound mind freak the hell out of me. I guess it has to do with unpredictability. The very fact that one may lack in a plausible and structured based conclusions due to perhaps a hereditary or genetic deformation in the brain, aka crazy is well, quite alarming. I’ve always been intrigued by irrational actions and the reasons, if any, behind it. Wonder what Olive Clone might have been thinking when she did what she did ehy? Outta be interesting.

 

Hello again folks.

 

---

 

 

Mar 02, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Ultimate Polytechnic Guide!

 

Hi kids! Gotten your ‘O’ Level results and unsure of whether the polytechnic route is the right choice? Worried that you might be beaten up on your first day of tertiary education? Wanting to know how to dispel the trepidation that you might have towards the courses offered? Well fret not! The team @stuffbyme.bravehost.com proudly brings you the ultimate polytechnic guide!

 

This survival kit includes the tricks and trades of surviving the three years of polytechnic education stress-free! Our panel of expert advisers will cover topics such as;

 

- How to not look like a freshman on your first day! (So you won’t get beaten up)

- The proper body language to give the illusion of ‘paying attention’ during lectures!

- The art of copying your classmate’s tutorials!

- The EXACT words to say to your lecturers to get them to INSTANTLY like you!

- How to be absent from classes and still not submit a MC.

 

Intrigued yet? Or do you want more? We even cover heavy duty stuff such as;

 

- Essential Negotiating methods (some even used by Mossad agents!) so that you are able to get ridiculous extensions on project deadlines.

- Master the ways of deception so that your powerpoint slides will be top notch!

 

Below is an extract from ‘Ultimate Polytechnic Guidebook’

 

Page 54 – Building a student-lecturer relationship

 

“It is absolutely imperative that a solid relationship is developed between a student and his/her lecturer. This technique is recommended for modules that students are somewhat weak in. By establishing a connection, a student will be able to negotiate (Page 87) more effectively as a lecturer’s initial ‘student defense ego’ (Page 73) is lowered considerably. Below is a list of statements that a student may want to apply;

 

-‘Sir…I like your shirt ah, make you look like Taufik Batisah sia! Serious!’

 

-‘Hello handsome! Tomorrow’s lecture still on ya?’

 

-‘Hi Sir, you give me ‘A’ and I will suck your ……’”

 

Those are just three of FIFTY statements that you can use! Still not convinced? Below are actual testimonials!

 

“…this is the best investment ever. I would like to thank the people at www.stuffbyme.bravehost.com for making my poly life such an enjoyable experience!” – a random guy whose name we cannot be bothered to note down cause this testimonial is fake

 

“..because of this guide…I am now happily married to my former lecturer! We got engaged during my last semester in XXX Poly!” – a horny girl

 

Okay,okay…you must be itching to have your hands on this guide. Hell, we’ll even throw in some Burger King coupons and a porn DVD just for fun of it. First time payment is just US$20 and we wont bother you for THIRTY days. That’s right. You can wank all you want for those thirty days with our complimentary DVD of a poly girl doing it and why not knock yourself out with those coupons. Don’t believe that ‘Super Size Me’ movie as its all special effects. Trust us. Eating Burger King everyday will make your penis longer. Serious! (Girls your bobos will get bigger)

 

So after thirty days and seventeen inches of extra penis length later and you’re convinced that you want the remainder of the guide, just give us a call and we’ll charge the remaining US$329 to your credit account. If you are still not convinced…keep the porn DVD! It’s our way of saying ‘Thanks for trying!’

 

Sincerely Yours,

 

FYI.

 

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Feb 22, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with FYI - Kevin Federline

 

Kevin Federline is britney’s husband. He recently released a single called, ‘PopoZao’. Enough said.

 

Heya Kevin

What’up Fyi

 

Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn’t slap you based on your song title alone?

I shagged Britney?

 

Amen

Amen bro

 

Seriously man, your lyrical prowess is unparallel

Word

 

I mean shit, you put even Tupac to shame

I feel you bro

 

‘I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty’…my god, now is that rhyming or is that rhyming? Utterly genius mate. With the sexual innuendos, no less.

*laughs* you’re cool bro

 

But you know what…my FAVORITE line in your orgasmic inducing song…is definitely..

Yea?

 

This part…the…'Po,Po,Po,Po, Popozao, Popozao'…awww man *wipes tears*

Hell yea…awesome isn’t it? Popozao. It means ‘bring your ass’ in Portuguese ya know? Im like shit that’s cool. I overhead it when my overpaid brazilian pool boy was like ‘yo yo…popozao’ at my latino house cleaner who’s like got massive bobos so like yea that’s cool. Yo. Word.

 

Profoundly interesting. Portuguese ehy? No shit. Now all this while I really thought you were calling out for one of the Teletubbies.

Tele what?

 

Teletubbies? Never heard of em? Now those guys rock.

Are they from the Bronx?

 

Erm..yea..so there’s Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala and…wait for it…Po!

No shit!

No shit my brother.

 

So they rap and stuff?

They do more than that. They dance and stuff. Every Week!

 

Every week?

Every damn week!

 

But fret not Kevin…I can see that your writing style is somewhat…similar…if not....*whispers*…slightly better than them…if I dare say so myself

You really think so?

 

I know so my Britney shagging brother.

Thanks man. Stuffbyme.bravehost.com is the best!

 

 

Word.

 

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Feb 15, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

VDAY Entry

 

My laptop has been rendered useless due to a technical fault with the keyboard panel. In layman terms, I wanked too much in front of my laptop…and completion of this declaration would require…oh never mind. As of this moment, I am nicely ensconced in the corner of a neat little cybercafe, in Toa Payoh no less, and churning out this entry. Yes that’s right. Look what you shitheads made me do.

 

Everybody kept asking me what I did on Vday. You folks really want to know what the blabbering hell I did on that damn day? I’ll bloody tell you.

 

I went around Orchard, stalking those prepubescent couples that were glued to each other, and at the precise moment, I grab those heinous roses and start stabbing both of them (guy and girl, or guy and guy, or girl and girl etc) till they see their own intestines.

 

Also, on VDAY, I am awfully proud of the fact that:

-         I farted and peed, SIMULTANEOUSLY…like 3 times. Now is that skill or what? Can your damn boyfriend do that? Huh? Huh?

-         I formulated 67 different ways to murder someone with a rose.

-         I muttered a record 215161 obscenities from Changi to Somerset, within a space of twenty minutes.

 

You know how many damn roses I saw when I left my office in Changi to head over to town area? Gosh. I really cannot fathom it. And VDAY fell on a Tuesday night for god’s sake. It meant a school night! Don’t you bloody idiots have homework or something? This proves that the standard of the current education system is faltering. Give them more homework I say. However, I digress.  

 

The whole damn society has been cajoled by this whole marketing ploy. Valentine’s day is like having a special day to Queue up when buying meals at MacDonald’s. You’re supposed to queue up when buying your meals you morons! I can imagine all those blubbering idiots standing uniformly in line, hugging each other, the boyfriends giving the girlfriends MacDonald coupons…etc. I’ll be tapping the guy in front of me:

 

“Excuse me sir, I do not mean to intrude, but may I ask why exactly is the queue unusually long?” <<Me asking, polite as usual.

 

“im queuing with my girlfriend to buy MacDonald’s…it is such an apt day”

 

“What in heaven’s name are you talking about?”

 

“oh don’t you know my fellow countryman, today is ‘Queue Up’ day!”

 

I will then proceed to bash the guy’s head with the MacDonald tray. After which I will start making out with the girlfriend. I am the best.

 

Gosh, folks, please lah.

 

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Jan 26, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Movie Review - Memoirs of a Geisha

 

Folks, I saw Geisha. Yes, that story. That much hyped story about Geishas. Here is my review, unbiased, as always. Ahem.

 

It starts off in this fishing village where two little girls get sold off. Then right, something happens and they get separated and stuff. Bla bla they grow up and BAM, everybody becomes hot. Except for one character, Pumkin, in which I have no bloody idea why she’s called like that. It really bothered the hell out of me. Give her a proper Japanese sounding name for god’s sake. They had ‘Chiyo’, ‘Hatsumono’ or something, then suddenly you have ‘Pumpkin’. It’s like having a Malay drama and the characters being called ‘Zaki’, ‘Faizal’ and then suddenly ‘Popiah’. Oh there’s another character that is called, The Chairman. To think that he’s supposed to be one of the key characters in that movie. Please lah, when you are just given the name of ‘the Chairman’, it’s really sad. Somehow undermines the important role that the fellow entails in the development of other characters. So anway, Gong Li is introduced and damn, she’s hot.

 

She plays this crazy psycho bitch that’s jealous of blue eyed wannabe geisha kid, Zhang Zhiyi, and like, she’s just hot lah. She’s just crazy most of the time, fusion that with her raging temper and oh boy, give her a whip and I’ll be her ‘danna’ anytime. A ‘danna’ is like a Geisha’s ISO 9002. It’s her certification that she’s reached that level, the level where she has somebody to sponsor her, pay for her lodging, fees etc as only exclusive Geisha’s are entitled to that. Well actually in modern times, we call those…sugardaddy(s)    

 

The other characters were not fully developed, so when a gripping -and I do use the word gripping loosely here- unfolds, you do not feel much for the characters and the scenarios that they are engulfed in. At most you’ll start scratching your nose. Or you can always start applying my ‘Why get bored’ series, movie theatre edition. Rating? 2, 2 and a half at most out of 5 points.

 

Oh, those scenes with Gong Li making out? 4 out of 5 points, no doubt.

 

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Jan 22, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

To the couples out there.

 

You know there’s a mystery even greater than the Bermuda triangle which I am just unable to fathom. What I don’t get is why some Singaporeans, when walking that is, tend to stray from left to right, seemingly oblivious to the whole world that is attempting to pass them. Couples are especially guilty of this heinous act. You think we all give a damn about your love story? Hell no. What the bloody hell is wrong with you. Really. When im in a hurry, I really do not want to waste my time to second guess your coordinates as you maneuver yourself directly onto my path. So folks, the next time you are leisurely strolling and suddenly find yourself on the floor, face first, nose bleeding…I take full responsibility. Print out this article and use it as evidence against me ok?

 

Still on the topic of couples, if you are guilty of the following, shame on you.

 

- Wearing matching tops. Is it supposed to be cute? Is it? is it??? You bloody tell me. Why the blubbering donkey are you wearing the same top as your gf/bf? Are you two trying to start a bloody movement? Are you two campaigning for something? Is that a pre pubescent protest against the parents? Wearing matching clothes get you discounts? Do you two turn each other on?

 

- Share a plate. You take your bloody plate and you go to hell. I’ll be damned if my I let my girlfriend share my food. I’ll be like, “nah uh bitch stop eating my potatoes.” I don’t give a damn if my girlfriend cheats on me, sleeps with other guys etc, but if she were to ever take a sip from my bandung….amen to her. Couples argue that it’s romantic. Girls wake up; your guys are just hiding behind that excuse. Ask them to buy you a plate. If he refuses, check his wallet. Then you whack him with an umbrella.

 

- Fight in public. This is hilarious lah. Its always the same scene which unfolds. A girl standing with her arms crossed, complimented by the ‘I cant believe you just did that but I am not gonna cry cause I am an independent woman thanks to Beyonce but I am gonna sulk cause I am still sensitive like a flower so you must know what to say next to make me feel better so that I will wear matching clothes the next time im out with you’ face. The guy of course, has no bloody idea what to do. He’ll be like, “aiya don’t cry leh, don’t cry, we’ll wear matching clothes next time ok?”.

 

The next couple I see with matching clothes will have this article stapled to their foreheads.

 

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Jan 16, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

IGallop. I think.

Have you folks seen that IGallop advertisement on channel 5? You know the one with the girls riding and having fun on this machine which claims to tone up your body? Oh my goodness I love that one. That is the softest porn ever broadcasted on Channel 5! You wont believe how many porn videos ive downloaded that start out like that. Girls giggling, riding something, fully clothed –at first of course- then suddenly this dude comes in with his impossibly huge dick and humps all the girls…but back to the IGallop. The expression on a family member’s face when the advertisement came on was full of disgust, while I, on the other hand, was desperately trying to suppress my ‘im so turned on’ face.

 

On the flipside, I’ll be damned if my mother or sister decides to buy that machine and use it while im around. You know how traumatizing it will be to see your fifty ish year old mother riding that damn thing and having fun. Gosh, give me a moment while i try to keep it together, as i am already tearing at that thought. Really folks, if your mum decides to buy that damn thing, move out, for your sake.

 

You know who else gets traumatized by their fifty ish year old mothers? Madonna’s children. You know some day when they're all grown up, they're gonna watch that video with their mother gyrating around in spandex and they’ll think to themselves, ‘what did I ever do in my previous life to deserve this?’

 

But of course, you can never beat a Tai tai in spandex. Bloody sexy I tell you. Hmmm damn.

 

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Jan 05, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

New Year entry.

 

Folks, im a tad too late to post a New Year entry aren’t i? But of course, I am not defined by the conventional rules of society, so, let me present to you, the worst, and the best, of 2005.

 

Presenting, <insert imaginary drumroll>

 

Worst Song of the Year: You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Worst Song Lyrics of the Year: You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Worst Album of the Year: Back To Bedlam – James Blunt

Worst Music Video of the Year: You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Worst hairstyle of the Year: James Blunt.

 

Woah, Mr Blunt swept all the awards ya? Okay, okay, how about the ‘Best’ section of the awards?

 

Best gay-ish voice – James Blunt

Best, ‘slap me’ face – James Blunt

Best person to get annoyed to – James Blunt

Best song to annoy people with – You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Best song to imitate – You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

 

What about New Year resolutions? I get incredibly chagrined when some retarded dipshit says ‘Oh, I want to be more happy!’ as a New Year resolution. What? Do you think you live in Disneyland or something? Wake up people. The world really is a sad, sad place, especially Toa Payoh. Alamak depressing like hell I tell you. No hot babes. Before I let my pessimistic side hold me hostage, I’ll list down my own resolutions.

 

Fyi’s new year resolutions;

 

- to stop disturbing James Blunt (I really will try)

- to leave Scooby Doo alone

- to not say anything when BSB, – Bull Shit Boys - ,arrives in Singapore.

- to support Italy with all my heart when the World Cup starts in June.

- to start a blog? (hell no)

 

Alright, it is no sub-rosa that I also get annoyed with blogs, bad ones (read as: giggle-infused teenage girls) especially. But I gotta start giving ‘serious-bloggers’ a chance. Those who can chronicle their daily lives with certain panache, articulate their [pertinent] opinions really well, and at the same time, provide thought provoking entertainment to readers, while keeping his or her grammar in check. Those, in my opinion, are the prerequisites, of a solid online medium. Some, however, will argue that blogs are merely online journals written by people needing an outlet, and while some may not possess a strong command of the language, one should not dampen their love for expressing/writing.

 

Im not saying they should stop. Im just saying, those blogs, annoy the blubbering hell out of me. It’s a matter of a preference no doubt, for example, I really hate tomatoes. Infer from that, please.

 

But on a more serious note, here’s one resolution that I am sure my readers will be pleased to know.

 

- I will try to update more often.

 

So really, stop bloody complaining will you folks?

 

Have an awesome 2006 my dear readers.

 

Regards,

 

FYI.

 

---

 

Dec 19, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

The Chronicles of FYI: The Donuts, the Burgers and the Bandung.

 

My colleague’s wife got for him, as a birthday gift, a new ZEN micro MP3 player. Damn. I need to get one of those. A wife I mean, not an MP3 player. Shit, why buy the fish when you can get the pond that has the fishes right?

 

Speaking of wives, let me first off, wish my lovely wife, Alyssa Milano, an extremely jovial ‘forever 23’ birthday dear. Yes shitheads, her birthday falls on the 19^th of this month.

 

Anyways, folks, I was reading a book on tantric sex and the author was mentioning odors and smells which the phallus (penis for those dickshits who are clueless) are ‘sensitive’ to and believe it or not, one of the smells which will encourage a rush of blood to the southern region is….DONUTS! Bloody unbelievable! Im bloody serious! Hah, all this while, you homo sapiens have laughed at my holy trinity, that being Donuts, Bandung and Burgers. But now, I shall reign supreme, albeit a touch of vainglory, at this divine afflatus which I have been delightfully exposed to. Now all I have to do is research on the fact that bandung can cure cancer and burgers will improve your brain power. Hmmmm.

 

Alright folks, we shall not digress any further as the main point of this article is to introduce to you shitheads a brand new series! Wow! That’s right, from the producers of ’60 Seconds with Fyi’ and ‘WHY GET BORED?’ comes an incredibly refreshing series titled, ‘Creatively-Politically Incorrect’ or ‘CPI’. Most important aspect of this series involves my msn contacts and my dearest of readers of course. What happens is that once in a while, I will be asking people to complete a sentence, and the top ten most creative responses will get published. In other words, if your responses are the most creative and politically incorrect, it will be published here, if not, start using the right side of your brain more folks.

 

Here it is. Top ten most creative responses to the following statement;

 

Life would be more interesting if…

 

10.Everybody has fruity smelling genitals (what’s up with this one?)

 

9. A guy’s dick disappears

 

8. Ronaldinho is Singaporean

 

7. Burger King had home delivery (hell yeah)

 

6. farts were nicer than perfume

 

5. spongebob squarepants is real (I just had to include this one folks)

 

4. nothing is sinful

 

3. Oprah is lesbian

 

2. everybody is bald (hah)

 

And the number one most creative answer goes to….

 

1. Life would be more interesting if…I can have an orgasm everyday.  (AMEN, well actually it is possible...hmm)

 

There you have it folks. Top 10 most Creatively-Politically Incorrect answers from you readers as well as the folks over on my msn list.

 

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Dec 8, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

WHY GET BORED? - MRT Edition.

 

That’s right folks. A brand new season of WHY GET BORED.

 

Here are ways to entertain your self in the train;

 

- When standing, hum to yourself out loud. As in like, loud. I usually hum tunes from movie scores; LOTR or STAR WARS works best here.

- (this works well when you are in a crowded train) start tapping people’s shoulders. When they turn, point out to some random person. Repeat process

- When the train pulls at a station, stand at e opposite door, facing the tunnel still, and say out loud stuff like, “oh my god where’s the station? Where the hell is it?”. Repeat for every station till someone beats you up.

- Do a ‘im getting shot by lots of bullets’ movement whenever the beeping for closing of train doors is played. Hilarious I tell you. Do try to coordinate the sounds with the movement.

- Talk back to the recorded announcements; say stuff like, “sorry? Next stop dhoby ghaut?”, or “thanks for the info!” or even, “could you repeat that miss?” Get annoyed when you are ignored.

- Give up your sit to the wrong people, say, a middle aged guy would be perfect. Trust me.

- Dramatically swing from one handle to the other while reciting lines from Indiana jones

- This is a no brainer, start pole dancing folks.

- Get out of the train at every stop, then walk back in and say, ‘no, not this one either’.

- Disturb the train driver. Knock on his door. Ask him if you can come in. Keep knocking till he replies, something, anything.

- Make faces at the person sitting next to you through the reflection if you are seated.

- Play ‘MRT awards’. Decide who has the best shoe, top, pants etc. Go up to them and congratulate them.

- Wake up people who are sleeping and tell them its their stop. Wake them up at every stop. Insist they tell you where they stopping so you can wake them up. After that, wake them at every stop still, just to double check with them.

- Inform the person sitting next to you to wake you up at a certain station before you go to sleep.

- When you wake up, pick a random person and blame him/her for not waking you up.

- You can disturb the driver again by knocking on his door and asking him why he didn’t wake you up.

- Start to hyperventilate every time the train goes into tunnels and when it emerges, start clapping and congratulating everyone on a job well done and say things like, ‘we did it!’ or ‘we couldn’t have done it without each other’. Repeat the process.

- Greet everyone who walks into the train. ‘Good afternoon <generic name>’. Works best when done with a cheery tone and disposition. This applies to people leaving the train, saying stuff like, ‘bye thank you, see you again!’.

 

Enjoy the rest of your week folks.

 

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Nov 12, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

News article?

 

A reader commented to me in regards to the content of this site, particularly, the lack of serious articles addressing world/political issues. I believe our verbal exchange went something like this;

 

“Oh great master orgasm inducer, why don’t you write serious articles discussing current world issues such as the viability of when, not if, a bird flu pandemic will occur and how exactly can the trial of former Iraqi leader been deemed ‘fair’ under international observers, this will definitely bring in a….”

 

I didn’t hear the last part cause I couldn’t help staring at her epic bobos. Alright folks, brace your self for a really serious article. Please, out of respect for both the content of the following article and the girl with the big bobos who suggested it, keep a straight face when reading it.

 

A very serious article

 

By FYI

 

Political observers around the world are bracing themselves for an extremely volatile situation in the eastern part of Singapore as journalists from as far as the gulf region are converging on our tiny island for a perplexing scenario which is unfolding, right now as we speak.

 

The prime minister has declined to comment, citing ‘safety reasons’ and ‘uncertainty’ in regards to this new threat that has the whole world riveted. UN chairman, Dr Charles Xavier, has issued a statement, declaring that the world will not be held hostage. “Whatever methods this people have resorted to, we are condemning it.” Activists from the Singapore Activists Movement People’s Authority House or SAMPAH are planning to stage a protest in Bedok, ‘any time soon’. Already, the Singapore Health Institute and Technology (SHIT) are reporting a spike in the number of people admitted to the local hospitals for trauma related cases. The head of SHIT, MR Thambi Tadaa has warned people to stay away from Bedok Town Central, and that includes the overzealous journalists eager to get a snippet of the on-goings there. MR TT also issued a travel advisory warning to the rest of Singapore, cautioning them against traveling to the above mentioned town. Eye witnesses have been reported as saying that they saw mostly, ‘aunties, grannies, frilly clothing, lingerie, and the world sale.’ That was when most of the people who were admitted started feeling nauseas, followed promptly by asphyxiation and eventually passing out.

 

“I couldn’t take it, when my grandmother pulled me to that stall, I nearly lost it. But it was when she tried on the purple lingerie…that was the last thing I remembered before puking my lungs out and passing out.” Says Maggie Asam. The 25 year old civil servant can consider himself one of the lucky ones.12 year old Rich Dick was so traumatized when he saw his 48 year old aunty trying on red frilly lingerie that he ran away from the stall, onto the path of an sedan that was speeding out of the area. Rick Dick’s life ended prematurely. “I swear he has never done that, at most he wails whenever i bring him near the stall!” sobs his 48 year old aunty, Ainita Blowe. Lingerie experts believe that combining low grade quality lingerie targeted at really old women and selling them with such brazenness, especially in a neighborhood like Bedok was a recipe for disaster, especially in the visual sense. Most people interviewed by the team agreed that seeing their, ‘grannies in kinky undies’ is an equivalent of an apocalyptic carnality. The stall has since been under tight military presence since news of the outbreak broke out on Sunday evening.

 

MR TT insists that the situation is currently under control and encourage Singaporeans to go on their daily routines. However, he reminded Singaporeans to be vigilant of repeated incidents, “we were lucky that this stall decided to launch its operations in a town that has a relatively small ageing population.” So which town will be hit the hardest if the stall decides to relocate?

 

“Toa Payoh. Most definite” He replied hesitantly.

 

Folks, go to Bedok central and see for your self.

 

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Nov 6, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with FYI- James Blunt

 

I really wish, somebody will slap the hair and living shit out of James Blunt. He annoys the blubbering hell out of me. He is weirdly pale. Look at him. He has that, ‘okok you can slap me’ face doesn’t he? And you know what’s the most irritating aspect bout him? That song! Yes THAT song. But being the professional interviewer that I am, I manage to get hold of him for the newest episode '60 Seconds with Fyi'.

 

Hi James Blunt, is your name an unintended pun or do you really mean to be direct with your *coughs* hit song, ‘You’re Beautiful’?

*laughs* nah this song is all truth. I was really inspired to write such as song when I did saw someone really beautiful in a train one day.

 

What’s your favorite color?

Erm, brown I suppose.

 

Have you tried Maggie curry before?

I beg your pardon?

 

Maggie curry lah, have you tried it?

I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

Why do you think Alex Ferguson insist on using the 4-3-3 formation?

Who?

 

Do you like donuts?

What has that got to do with anything? Are you going to ask me about my album?

 

Ya ok moving on, can I slap you?

Im sorry?

 

I mean your song, how many times have it been requested during your live appearances?

I don’t know, countless I suppose.

 

Right, this translates to the fact that for one song, you say the line, ‘You’re beautiful’, hmmm…42 times? im estimating that this song has been requested 500000 times  thus this ultimately equates to the fact that you’ve said that sacred line, 582 trillion times over the course of just a few months. How does that feel?

*stumped*

 

Mr James blunt, let me be blunt here alright? Like you, I am able to conjure up inspirational lyrics for a killer song, hell, I wrote a thesis on songwriting which I am happy to share with you. So here it is, my version of your song:

 

I am so brilliant.

I am so pure.

I saw Mr Blunt.

You rhyme with cunt.

 

You smiled at me, from the tv screen.

You were fiddling with a guitar.

I will definitely lose some sleep

Fret not I got a plan.

 

You’re annoying, you’re annoying

You’re annoying its true.

I saw your face, in a crowded place.

Hell yeah I now know what to do.

To inflict some pain onto you.

 

Im back folks. You have been warned.

 

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September 15, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

FAQ

 

Finally folks, after careful structuring and censoring (lots of it), I present to you, this website’s official FAQ!

 

Why did you start this website?

I wanted children to have new dreams. Instead of saying, ‘Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor/lawyer/pole dancer’, I figured, hey, with this site, they’ll be forced to rethink about their future and eventually lead them to declare, ‘Mummy, when I grow up, I want to have a killer website like Fyi’. Other reasons include making girls wet with my writings which in turn will make them want to suck me senseless. Final reason would be for guys to steal witty ‘one-liners’ from my website to impress their bloody girlfriends so that their girlfriends would want to suck them senseless.

 

Why are your updates so infrequent?

Cause I have a life. Next.

 

Do you always type in a prim and proper manner?

I do try. At times, I really cannot be bothered. And yes folks, I am aware of the grammatical and spelling errors littered sporadically across my articles. Sorry to say, I am human after all.

 

Your readers are mostly from?

Some students from institutions such as NP, NUS and SIM (that I am aware of lah). But mostly people who were looking for naked pictures of either Jessica Alba, Alyssa Milano, Sponge Bob Square pants etcetera usually stumble upon my website.

 

Why Alyssa Milano? There are other artists way hotter than her?

I will slap your head. How dare you. Folks, do note that if any negativity were to be directed to the following likings of mine;

-Donuts

-Burgers

-Bandung

-Alyssa Milano

I will kill your family.

 

What are some interesting facts about this website that readers may not be aware of?

I’ve used the word;

Dipshit – 87 times.

Shitheads – 72 times

Bobos – 148 times.

Folks – 64 times

 

What makes it all worthwhile?

Having some people actually trying to count and reaffirm the facts that I stated above. Pure bliss I tell you.

 

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September 12, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Renaissance of sorts, not just yet.

 

Oh do not worry about this over-extended hiatus that this ‘I am running out of superlatives’ website is currently undergoing. Exams are yet again, holding me hostage [for the last time]. Nonetheless, new season of '60 Seconds with Fyi', ‘Why get bored?’ and all new segments will be unveiled to my porn deprived readers such as you, and you…and yes you with the funny t-shirt. Hello to that girl with big bobos. Soon enough folks. In the meantime, here's what you dipshits can do to pass the time;

 

- Dig you left nostril, then dig your right nostril, the nostril with more dirt is the winner.

- Call Macdonald up at 4 am and ask for serviettes.

- Expose the porn on your sibling's laptop to your mum or dad, if there's no porn, plant some. You can email me if you want some killer ones.

- Start writing inspirational songs, using my previous entry as a guide.

- Go to a local provision shop, start putting items on the counter and ask the uncle 'how much?'...then walk away. Go to the next shop and repeat the process.

- When on a bus, walk up to the driver while he's driving and say, 'Ya okay uncle, you make a left here then stop before the traffic light'.

- Under 'Special Achievements' in your resume, put 'Burping the Alphabet'. Either that or how many rounds of sex you can go without resting.

- Masturbate to News 5 tonight?

 

 I just bestowed upon you vagina heads some deep psychological stuff there. Till then folks.

 

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August 9, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Guide to Song Composing - National Day Songs.

 

Is it just me or do our national songs are among the most politically correct songs, ever? Almost parallel to the type of songs you’d expect from an Idol winner, the ‘inspiring’ lyrics never fails to just make me jump up from wherever I am and wave my little plastic flag around. But of course, composing such a song is, surprisingly enough, quite a simple procedure. That’s right folks; even YOU DIPSHITS can be like Dick Lee, or some other generic named composer. All you have to do is be sure to add in the following words, and I guaran-damn-tee you that it’ll be a hit. Trust me.

 

Dream – You just have to include this word in folks. The mother of all inspirational words, it is just impossible to get inspired by a song ignorant of this word. Really. For example, compare exhibit A and B

 

Exhibit A: “together…..we will make it” << Nothing special ehy?

Exhibit B: “together…..we will DREAM!” << WOW! Didn’t that just make you fill up with so much hope that it makes you just want to volunteer with a charity, help old ladies cross the road, and at the same time, donate lots and lots of blood?

 

Home – Woah , pardon me folks, I nearly ejaculated typing that word. This is a no brainier. How else can you infuse that sense of belonging to our beloved country by using that word, over, and over, and over again?

 

Stars – Can I just cry? It makes me wanna hug everybody on the MRT every time I hear this word.

 

Reach Out For the Skies – Excuse me while I resurrect myself after drowning of inspirasi-overdose. I don’t know bout all of you, but I get muscle spasms, directly related to the fact that I try to control myself to not follow the most coolest dance moves on TV Mobile, every time its on. Why do they torture me so? Don’t they know that I really really really I want to contribute to national security, the economy and social defense by coordinating my hands and feet to that orgasmic inducing steps?

 

To culminate the point of this article, let me, believe it or not, write for you folks a national day song, making full use of all the words we’ve covered today okay children?

 

Verse:

Home….is where my dream is…

Home….is where the stars are..

As you, reach out for the skies..

Grab the stars…and something

 

Chorus:

Its all about the he said, she said, stars

Cause I don’t wanna be lonely anymore

As my home, is on fire

My dreams, my desire

 

Repeat the verse, chorus, than verse after which you introduce a bridge, come back to the chorus. Just re-use the Macarena as the dance steps. Throw in some celebrities, and trust me folks, it’s gonna be a massive hit. Pardon me while I await the Nobel Prize for contributing to world peace with my massively inspiring song.

 

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July 17, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

This is a public service announcement

 

People who vehemently refuse to move to the back of the bus may continue to not adhere to requests [to move] under the following circumstances.

 

If you were to move any further, it will;

 

-         Lead to the death of a family member.

-         Lead to Scooby Doo being awarded best cartoon

-         Lead to the extermination of DunKin Donuts worldwide (dear lord)

-         Cause a ‘War of the Worlds’.

-         Cause me to watch ‘War of the Worlds’ again.

-         Lead to my divorce with Alyssa Milano

-         Make you lose your job/degree/diploma

-         Annihilate your genitals

-         Lead to annihilation of life as we know it

-         Lead to your arrest

-         Cause you to tYpE yOuR pRofiLes liK(sic) a rEtaRdEd dOnKey (if you’re already typing like this, this rule doesn’t apply, of course)

-         Make the bus to do a wheelie due to the sudden shift of weight (would be an interesting sight no doubt)

-         Make bobos disappear from women (oh dear)

-         Lead to Solitaire being awarded best game ever

-         Make my annoying shithead of a younger brother future president of Singapore

-         Permanently change your name to ‘Beruk Bacin Bin Baghedel’ (ask your malay speaking friends what that means)

-         Lead your girlfriend to laugh at your penis hysterically every time you two do it because she finds it, ‘ticklish’.

-         Lead your boyfriend to hit on your sister, best girl friend and mom….simultaneously.

-         Cause you to get STD

-         Lead to your death.

 

If none of the rules apply to you, please move to the back of the bus when it’s getting crowded. Thank you, and have a pleasant day ahead.

 

Bloody dipshits.

 

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July 11, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Fantastic? Hardly.

 

The following were my observations after watching Fantastic Four.

 

-         ‘The thing’ doesn’t really need an erection does he? Considering his flaccid penis is still…well, hard.

-         Mr Fantastic can really stretch ehy? Every limb. Im sure it does wonder for his sex life. He could be in the bedroom while the wife can be in the kitchen. Catch my drift?

-         So which it is ladies? A permanent erection or an adjustable length?

-         And oh, ms invisible wont be shouting ‘faster faster’, it’ll be ‘longer, longer’.

-         In regards to the human torch, he fully utilizes the term, fiery temper.

-         As oppose to his ‘FLAME ON’ command, I personally believe I have my own command. ‘TURN ON’. On cue.

-         Jessica Alba is just sinfully hot.

-         I didn’t like the fact that she zipped up all the way when fighting that metal dude. Boo to the director for that.

-         The movie reaffirms every guy’s beliefs that every nurse is hot, and they can ski damn well (okay maybe not the skiing bit)

-         Do look out for Jessie’s undergarments during the bridge rescue scene. Straight out from Victoria’s secret, catalogue spring edition, page 52. (or some fancy brand)

-         Who is/was Victoria anyway? I bet she’s hot.

-         ‘That’s hot’

 

 

Other than the above mentioned points, how’s the movie, really? It’s alright. Not something I’d see again, but definitely a much much better movie than that bloody War of the Worlds. Bloody dipshits made me waste like god knows how many bucks. Even made me skip class, to watch what? Bunch of people running around, screaming and dying the same way they did in movies such as Godzilla, and erm stuff.

 

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July 3, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

The correct etiquette to writing 'Warning' letters.

 

The following is an actual extract of a warning letter in my school email that those dipshits at NP sent me after I ahem...had a self declared public holiday.

 

'Dear GENIOUS OF STUFFBYME.BRAVEHOST.COM

Please be informed that your attendance level is about to fall below 85% should you be absent one more time from the following module/class:

Module: XXXXXX
Description: XXXXXXX

Please note that if your attendance falls below 80%, you could potentially be debarred from examinations for this module.

Thank you.

This email is a system generated email. Please do not reply.'

 

You know what irks me about this bullshit ‘system generated email’? For starters, the ‘Dear’ bit annoys me. Is it supposed to be more comforting? I don’t mind if I won a prize or something, like Dear Mr Fyi, you’ve won a lap dance or some shit like that. But to start off a, as they claim, warning letter with a ‘Dear’ certainly undermines the subtle threat that the letter intends to convey. Imagine if kidnappers started doing that ehy? “Dear Mr so and so, Please be informed that we’ve kidnapped your son”. This brings me to my next point of course.

 

‘Please be informed’? No shit. I never liked reminders of sorts. And the most annoying bit of this email? The ‘Thank You’ bit. It’s so polite you know, makes me want to reply, albeit the equally polite request to not do so, them with the following:

 

‘Dear system generated email,

 

You are most welcomed!

 

P.S. You are so polite!’

 

My point folks? If you want to write a warning letter:

 

A-    Do not make it system generated, give it a more human touch

B-    Don’t be so polite, you need to get tough with those class-skipping students.

C-    Do not send it through email, cause (read next reason)

D-    You want to smear your warning letter with blood. Yup that’s right. Like those loan sharks, killer tactics. I’ll start crying if I open my warning letter and it’s drenched in blood.

E-     With that, the message shall be,

 

“Skip school some more, you die!”

 

And that shitheads, is the correct etiquette to writing warning letters.

 

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June 15, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Please use common sense. Thank you.

 

To those vaginaheads who flooded my friendster inbox with that bullshit-tainted message saying that friendster is going to close down, i shall present to you a quote from one of the episodes from Southpark.

 

" <insert name of vaginahead>, you're so god damn stupid it's unbelievable."

 

To the folks at Burger King Liat Towers, what the hell did you people do to my chicken whooper? You see, i was having dinner there on Tuesday and i ordered a chicken whooper. Hold on, let me formulate for you dipshits what i mean;

 

Previously;

Burger divided by number of bites equals to satisfactory level, hence

 

Chicken Whooper/1241 (rough estimate) = Bloody Full.

 

On Tuesday night;

 

Chicken Whooper/0.000415 = Pissed off Fyi

 

It's like they thought it'd be hilarious to cut my chicken up in half and sew up the remaining end. Also, please do not put bloody tomatoes in my burgers. I hate tomatoes, they shouldn't belong in burgers, put them in back of a closet or something, somwhere inaccesible to civilization. Even the spelling is messed up, looks like 'Tom a toes' or some shit like that. Sigh.

 

Till next time folks.

 

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Comment of the day;

 

Top five most….interesting advertisements.

 

I have unfortunately been over-exposed to Channel five during the holidays and have come to the conclusion that most of its shows are well, pretty much crap. There was however, a slight reprieve, due to the advertisements that were shown. I thought this advertisements were erm…interesting, to say the least. I present you:

 

Number 5-

THAT budget airline ads. Air asia is it? Not sure, but it was hilarious. The one with the shadows and stuff. Very well done Air asia (sheesh I might be giving the wrong company a good name)

 

Number 4-

THAT Cadbury advertisement. I don’t know, something about eating your family members and inviting the shark to bite your chocolate ass is somewhat disturbing.

 

Number 3-

ANY star wars related advertisement promoting the orgasmic inducing episode 3. I swear I try not to ejaculate everytime it’s on. Oh by the way, will somebody tell my why they aren’t screening a marathon? You know for episodes 1, 2 and 3? Bloody pussies. If anybody knows any information, do email me. I will make you famous by putting your name on my website.

 

Number 2-

City Square Residences. My goodness. I love this one. Cleverly exaggerating it’s proximity to the facilities, it also helped that it had

A)    Hot daughter

B)     Hot mum

C)    Hot sales lady

D)    Hot shopping lady

E)     Hot girl at pool

F)     And most importantly, hot girl leaning over couch and if she had leaned any further, her cleavage would have made the camera lens foggy.

 

Number 1-

HL milk Banana flavor. Let’s go banana folks. A dancing cow wearing a tiara made of bananas. You CANT get any funnier than that. (cept maybe if they had used a penguin or a duck)

 

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May 02, Un-rantfied.

 

Comment of the Day:

 

Billboard Century Award Recipient: Stevie Wonder.

 

Did any of you folks catch the 2004 Billboard Awards Show yesterday? I know I didn’t. I never liked award shows.  I was channel surfing when I happened to land on the part where they were giving out the ‘Century Award’ to Stevie Wonder. Here were my observations;

 

1. The crowd gave him a standing ovation. Sure, Stevie’s minders might have told him, “Stevie they’re standing up for you”, but I felt that part was dark humor at its best.
2. Oh no don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against blind people, especially ones that are maestros with any musical equipment. Shit, I have both my sight and I can’t even dig my nose properly.
3. His shades are really nice.
4. Does he know he sways? (a friend asked me that)

 

Nonetheless, props to Stevie for earning that award. Who styles his hair anyway? Does he know his hair is full of cornrows? That was a random thought. Hmm.

 

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April 24, Sunday

 

Comment of the day; 

 

I am annoyed that you people rarely annoy me anymore.

 

I honestly cannot be bothered with the fact that Singapore will have 2 freaking casinos. I am actually looking forward more to the theme parks that will be built as part of the ‘integrated’ resort. It’s about time we have some real orgasmic fun on this bloody island. I mean, what other sort of brilliant entertainment do we honestly get to immerse ourselves in? Okay, other than my website, what else?

 

Speaking of my website, if you’ve noticed, most of my entries are a result of being pissed off by something or someone. If you did not notice that then well…you are stupid. Now, it seems that I draw inspiration from being annoyed. Therefore, the current lack of updates has been due to the fact that people nowadays, do not piss me off. Yes, that’s right, people nowadays walk straight without straying weirdly off their path and blocking my way, they no longer take their time in buying their food and they talk softly when they are engaged on their mobile.

 

What the blubbering hell is wrong with you people? I am annoyed that you people have stopped annoying me. Maybe it’s the holidays; therefore I am less exposed to the morons at Ngee Ann Polytechnic. That’s one theory. Nonetheless, I shall be back with more insights once I get annoyed again.

 

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April 06, Ransom Paid

 

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with Fyi - Spongebob Squarepants.

 

As the Spongebob movie ends its run here in Singapore, I manage to get hold of the asexual lead himself, Mr Bob, Spongebob alias Square Pants aka Gay Sponge aka the Yellow Absorber aka ‘That Guy with Tie’ etc. My publicist insisted that I avoid questions that had anything to do with his co-star, Patrick, as we do not want to fuel the rumors. When probed further, my publicist said something like, ‘they’re gay’. Either that or she was telling me she had a bad hair day.

 

Does anybody call you Mr Bob?

Ehy?...naw…I think you’re the first…*puts out his cigarette *

 

First of all Mr Bob, congratulations on the transitional success to the big screen

Call me ‘Mr Bob’ one more time and I swear ima pull out your bloody dick you wanker

 

Charming no doubt…Mr Spongebob…how was your stay in Singapore?

Thanks Man, it’s been a ####ing week I tell you that…first off my bitch of a manager tells me that I got to dance around in Plaza Singapura or some shit like that…#### that bitch..and im all like #### you…and she was all like “oooo u must the kids will cry~”. #### the kids you know? Im keeping it real here.

 

You are keeping it real by?

Im keeping it real biatch, why you have to fret on me like that man? I love my work man…ima a star…#### the director..he makes me work in some burger shack you know…going for all that inspirational bullshit…where even an average sponge working in an average job can go places…#### him.

 

I heard they had to put in a stunt double for your beloved Gary?

Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, oh man I love Gary. You see in one of the episodes, he was the lead you know…but #### that…I hadn’t given him his breakfast, so I told the director; you have to put a stunt double for him man.

 

Then?

The director did. Bless him.

 

That’s it?

*does his hideous annoying high pitched laugh*

 

At this point, Patrick entered the trailer, claiming to look for some bananas. Odd.

 

Patrick: Hey Spongebob

Bob: Keep it real dogg, the bananas are in the frigde.

Patrick: Who’s that?

Fyi: Hi Patrick! I love your shorts.

Patrick: Thanks! Bye bye now

 

It was a surreal experience, interviewing a living legend like himself. I would like to thank this website for the wonderful experience.

 

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Mar 19, Movie deductions

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Why Winnie the pooh deserves the R21 rating.

 

Winnie the bloody pooh and his bleeding gang will be on the big screen. You have got to be kidding me. I’m gonna deduce the movie title along with its characters (that I know of) and open the public’s eyes to what I believe, is a movie deserving an R21 rating.

 

Movie title: Pooh's heffalump movie

Now, is it just me, of does heffalump looks like typo error for “hump a lot?” or “have a hump?”. You know, some people prefer saying potayto, while others pronounce it as potarto. Same thing is happening here folks. Tsk tsk, a movie openly promoting sex in its title. Still not convinced?

 

Winnie (the bear): Come on, you folks really believe that pot belly of his is filled with honey? One word: Alcoholic. It is impossible to get a pot belly from eating lots of honey, which is an unhealthy obsession nonetheless. One more thing, he’s too bloody nice. In life, you just cannot be too nice; people will walk all over you. He’s a bloody bear for god’s sake, give him some claws. I saw on AXN that day about this group of people getting ripped apart by a grizzly. Bloody awesome. One of them had to have 4000 stitches to her head. Ouch. Now, you do not want your kids to be running towards a grizzly and asking for a hug now would you?

 

Tigger (tiger): He’s too happy. Life’s too full of shit to be too happy. There’s a limit to being happy, and too happy, and my god he’s soo passed that line that the line is a dot to him. You know why he’s too happy and bouncy? He’s high all the time. My bet is ecstasy. What’s yours?

 

The donkey (I dunno he’s bloody name): He’s a depressing pile of lard who’s stoned out most of the time. Marijuana perhaps?  Im sure you folks see it. The droopy eyes, the monotonous voice speech, the dragging of the words…a near perfect fit of a marijuana user, only thing missing is he’s dreadlocks.

 

Piglet (erm...the piglet): He’s too small and insignificant. I ain’t gonna bloody waste my font on him.

 

Rabbit (I think he’ called…rabbit as well?): Finally, the most ‘normal’ (if you disregard that he’s a rabbit) of the gang. The realistic cynic. The rabbit. They should make a movie out of him. Why isn’t he the lead? “Rabbit and gang”. Sounds way better that some pussy “Winnie the Pooh”, and can somebody please, in the name of all things that is good and holy, tell me what the ‘pooh’ is suppose to mean? Some code word for sex and violence perhaps? Drugs? Lesbianism?

Now you know, why this film deserve a R21 rating.

 

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