untitled

 

 

 

Hello folks.

 

My politically incorrect entries have no doubt garnered a niche group of regular readers who appreciate the messages embedded within each article.

 

To those readers who have emailed me over the past few years, I would like to say that you folks really are too free lah, nonetheless, I appreciated it. I would have appreciated it more if you folks had sent me attachments of your naked pictures as well but shit, none of you did.

 

Acquaintances have been made from this website, and some were even developed to full blown friendships.

 

Some of you might be asking, why the melancholic feel to this entry?

 

I will be serving national service soon. Ergo, the entries to this orgasmic website will cease. Yes, im serious. No more rants about bobos, bandungs, donuts, Alyssa Milano, unshaven armpit hair or what nots, along with those killer 'Why Get Bored?' and '60 Seconds With FYI' series.

 

Some readers on my msn list are aware of my plans to publish episode based short stories on another website. You folks will be updated no doubt. To those who do want to be in the loop, just email me. I will prioritize you if your email contains a naked picture of yourself. Girls only of course. Yes im biased like that.

 

As for the rest of you, I do hope you’ve acquired a taste for bandung. Perhaps a finer appreciation for burgers and donuts. Maybe even look at bobos in a different light.

 

Who knows ehy. Till next time folks.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

FYI.

 


Apr 25, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Relationship problems and their solutions

 

Public Service Announcement: I was at the waiting area of a certain government edifice when they were playing ‘The Lion King’ on the television sets that were hanging all over that place. All the TVs were muted, because of course god forbids if sounds were emitted from it, people will forget their original intent of being there while staff members will not be able to do their job efficiently as they might get distracted by the sounds of Simba licking himself. So there I was craning my neck at an impossible angle when it hit me. How the hell am I suppose to know what’s going on? Am I supposed to lip read lions? Am I to infer that Simba’s zygomatic major movements are a resultant of the word, ‘hello’? That’s why waiting areas can never go wrong with Mr. Bean. Mr Bean, in all his visual humor, hardly mutters and if he does, it hardly matters.

 

Alright folks, today’s article is a guide to couples. Ive listed a number of the more common problems and the solutions to those problems, as recommended by the experts. My own solutions are also listed. So you can either choose to go with the so called ‘relationship experts’ and their politically boring solutions, or you can go with my ‘so damn good I should consider publishing it’ solutions.

 

 

Problem: You arrive an hour late and your partner is fuming. What should you do now?

 

Boring Balding Therapist advises,

If your partner is a girl: Girls are very sensitive creatures. By being late, you have portrayed to your girlfriend that you have horrible time management skills. Apologize immediately and assure her that you will never be late again and buy her chocolates.

If your partner is a guy: Guys hate girls being late because they hate wasting time. Apologize to him and be close to him and remind him how great of a guy he is.

 

FYI, the great adviser with his suave skills and legendary collection of porn videos, advises,

If your partner is a girl: Ask her why she is damn early. Accuse her of meeting another guy first before meeting you. Tell her your friend saw her with another guy. Insist that she heard wrongly in regards to the meeting time. “5:30?...Sweetheart I said 7:45”.

If your partner is a guy: Give him a blowjob.

 

 

Problem: You didn’t tell your partner that you were going out with your ex. Your partner finds out. He/she starts fuming.

 

Boring Balding Therapist advises,

To both sexes: This situation has catastrophic consequences if it isn’t handled properly. Explain to your partner that there is nothing going on and that you love your partner still. Assure him/her that it was just a harmless rendezvous and next time around, you will keep your partner in the light with whoever you are meeting up with.

 

FYI, the sultan of dating and maestro of relationships, advises,

If your partner is a girl: Blame it on her. Start insisting that she’s cheating on you. Explain to her that your ex has bigger bobos. “Sweetheart you may have a degree…but gosh her bra size is a double d!”

If your partner is a guy: Give him a blowjob.

 

Problem: You walk in on your partner having sex with another person. What do you do?

 

Boring Balding Therapist advises,

To both sexes: This is a very hurtful situation to be in. Let them have some time to compose themselves and discuss with both of them how you feel in a very civil manner. Voice out your thoughts and encourage them to voice out theirs. Negotiate on an agreement.

 

FYI, im running out of creative superlatives, advises:

If your partner is a girl: Well…you can either take pictures of them and then blackmail both of them for a monthly allowance…or maybe test out your directorial skills by whipping out your camcorder and choreographing the positions. You can also kill them if you want.

If your partner is a guy: Join in. Take turns in giving him a blowjob.

 


 

Apr 5, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Bring back IGallop

 

Folks, how come that IGallop ad got replaced ehy? A friend of mine was telling me that they replaced it with some artists blabbering and being politically correct. What the hell. There goes my only source of soft porn on Channel 5. Im really disappointed with you Channel 5. I felt a connection with you when you first showed the original version. It’s like that advertisement was made for me. It’s like you finally understood me. 

 

But you lead me on. Played me like a fool. You had some chick riding a horse and being annoying when some dude comes in with a killer pick up line. Oh yes that’s the only thing I like about the new version. Don’t believe the seemingly innocent question that was posed to the girl, as it belies the true intent. “<insert name>, I didn’t know you ride?”. Come on lah. That’s a porn line right there. Go download a porn video and hear it for yourself.

 

Why did you all change the ad anyway? Do you all read my site? Im guessing you folks at Channel 5 do, so, can you guys bloody stop showing Home Alone on Christmas? Rambo or Knock off or Terminator on your Monday Action night? Gosh please lah. I can memorize the script to those movies already. And if you do wanna show some other killer movies, can you please not cut out too many damn scenes. Censorship you say? Lick my balls I say. Will exposure to bobos on primetime slots cause me to suffer an acute myocardial infarction? Will it lead to a lapse in my ventromedial prefrontal cortex? I do not bloody think so. Who gave you the damn right to decide what I should be exposed to?  I do know the parameters and guidelines of one’s argument in terms of the dangers of being exposed to such material, especially so if one’s mind isn’t fully matured but please lah, everyone should at least be given a say, before a conclusion is drawn.

 

 I would like to meet the people who do the actual censorship process. I was listening to ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ on the radio the other day when this line came up;

 

‘…her boyfriend’s a dick….he brings a gun to school’.

 

The word ‘gun’ was censored. The word ‘dick’ however, was certified safe enough for us to be exposed to and to carry out our daily routine. What retarded shit is that? You know how many hormonal teens listen to that station? How can they not censor out dick? Im afraid such situations may only encourage people to be calling each other up as such;

 

“Hey Suzy darling, what are you doing?

 

“Hi Mark dear, nothing much…I was just listening to the song ‘teenage dirtbag’ on the radio when I heard the word ‘dick’ so now im just so wet and turned on’.

 

“Yea me too baby, let us meet up and have sex!”

 

“Sure thing dear, I’ll just tell my clueless parents that im doing some project at a friend’s place”.

 

Bloody hell. Im only happy with Channel 5 when they show ‘Who’s line is it anyway?’.

 

Bring back the old IGallop advertisement!

 

Please?

 

 


 

Mar 31, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Special entry - WHY GET BORED? - IRC Edition

 

Folks. This is it. The Very special WHY GET BORED?- IRC Edition.

 

If you were to scroll down folks, you’ll come across an archaic entry in which I masqueraded as a seductive female chatter on IRC. Well I had such a whale of a time that I decided to do it again. Again, my nick is Linda. All chat transcripts are un-edited. These were the cream of the crop.

 

Time in: 1:25AM

 

Upon entry…I got swamped..no surprises there.

 

<V^cOkE> sianz~

<V^cOkE> u wanna fling?

<Linda> fling to where? (me playing the, ‘innocent girl’ card)

<V^cOkE> my place?

<Linda> I might need a catupult

<V^cOkE> catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is that?

<V^cOkE> wat is that?

<V^cOkE> u therE?

<V^cOkE> u wanna fling naot?

<V^cOkE> u wanna fling anot?

<Linda> y dun u build me a...catupult.baby~

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah?? (this is just so classic)

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah??

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah??

<V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah??

 

 

<ricks> thining of sleeping nude today

<ricks> dun u

<ricks> sometime

<Linda> do u like ponies? (notice how I subtlety change the topic)

<ricks> ponies the animal?

<Linda> yes..my pink pony

<Linda> I always buy em

<ricks> actual pony or?

<Linda> nono

<Linda> those.small.ones

<ricks> toy?

<Linda> something like it

<ricks> haha ok

<Linda> seven eleven got sell

<ricks> ur collection big? (he seems genuinely interested)

<Linda> okok only

<Linda> sometimes my bro buy for me

<ricks> hmm n wat he gets from u in return (I sense a trap)

<Linda> potatoes

<Linda> n.donuts

<ricks> hehe ok

<ricks> u into sex chat? (if all else fails, try the direct route)

<Linda> define sex chat (still holding the ‘innocent girl’ card)

<ricks> talk about sex exp or fantasy

<Linda> does ponies count?

<ricks> not really unless u use them to mas

<Linda> to malaysia?

<Linda> cannot pass custom (He stopped messaging me. Wonder why.)

 

<^Coby> harlows

<^Coby> harlows

<^Coby> harlows

<Linda> bye

<Linda> bye

<Linda> bye (well….)

 

<Linda> I find it intriguing.

<Linda> e male psychology

<suckme> it ios not

<suckme> its jus simple

<suckme> guys are horny creatures...

<suckme> but in time that have evovle to know how to lie perfectly to get sex for their liitle brother

<suckme> and they will "tell" you heaven and earth for it...

<suckme> tahts all full-stop

<suckme> of coz those that dun wan the hassles just pay for it

<suckme> in another word. a guys that dun crave sex is either impotent... or something is touched in their minds (I was enlightened)

 

<EniHs> hihi r u horny?? wanna cybersex?

<Linda> no, sorry im Linda

<Linda> wrong.person (end of conversation)

 

<LicpUs> hi

<Linda> LicpUs?

<Linda> are u like a pokemon?

<LicpUs> ?????? (Come on be honest, his nick is quite misleading isn’t it?)

 

 

<Linda> why is ur name Ivian

<Ivian> cos i am ivian

<Ivian> hah

<Linda> I tht u mineral water (I make killer jokes, I know)

 

<`KhoO> hi helo

<Linda> are u eric khoo?

<`KhoO> nope

<`KhoO> y?

<Linda> ohh (was disappointed no doubt)

 

<suntanguy> hihi ! r u very open-minded & do u fling? i'm 28/m/ch/sg, 180cm , 74kg , tanned ...u?

<Linda> im.7..i have.hairy.tits..my.own.mum.srubs.my.toes.cause.i.cant.reach.em..n.i.eat.ants (he must be thinking….'what the…')

 

<black10M> young business man seeking lady...willing to pay well.. negotiable..

<Linda> what sort of business

<black10M> computer

<Linda> what sort of computer

<black10M> hardware

<Linda> do u sell donuts? (End of convo as well, now is asking whether one sells donuts really wrong?)

 

Time out: 2:08AM

 

There you have it folks. April's fools, indeed.

 


 

 

Mar 25, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Olive Clone

 

There is this certain old lady that is quite prominent around my charming estate of Toa Payoh. Her visage is worn out, crow eyes tugging blatantly with an unkempt hair that has tinges of gray which framed her face rather inappropriately. It’s like she powders her head with ash for the fun of it. Her outfit is always the same. That being a one piece sapphire colored dress, which hung around her shins, further exaggerating her great height. Imagine Olive, you know, Popeye’s girlfriend, with grey hair. But of course, there’s one fundamental difference between Olive and her my dear readers. Olive doesn’t lift up her skirt in public.

 

I was queuing up at an atm near my block, you know, withdrawing money and feeling all responsible cause I was gonna give a portion of it to my mom and im like cool cause I give back to her and shit (im a role model) when lo and behold, she (Olive Clone, not my mum) came up to the queue and started shouting vulgarities at this old chap that was at the front. I wanted join her in her verbal onslaught cause I grew four years older waiting for that old chap as he caressed the buttons on the teller but Olive clone suddenly went to this small field just by the side of the machine and started erm well…for the lack of better words…defecating. Not in the verbal sense oh no….im talking rear-end sense.

 

She just started shitting. Im like ‘what the..’. The people at the queue were old Chap, cute Chinese chick and yours truly and I BET old chap had an erection cause he had this…'oh yea baby do it slowly' face. Nonetheless all of us were initially stumped, and of course Chinese chick just had to ask me if I was that guy with that killer website. I said ‘ya so’ and she went ‘oh god I love you and I want to suck your dick’ and I went ‘who doesn’t?’ but, I digress.

 

So after a full two minutes of it, not that I was counting or anything, Olive Clone stood up….inspected her creation and all of its philosophical, malodorous glory…started doing what she did best…spewing vulgarities. Old Chap, Cute Chinese chick and yours truly were not spared along with a few dozen people at the coffee shop. It was a mixture of some dialect, teochew perhaps? With the odd ‘shit’ littered randomly for good measure. She then, with an air of nonchalance if I may add, disappeared around the block. It was very well executed I must say. Kudos to Miss Olive Clone .That was by far the most exciting thing that happened to me in 2006 yet.

 

People with an unsound mind freak the hell out of me. I guess it has to do with unpredictability. The very fact that one may lack in a plausible and structured based conclusions due to perhaps a hereditary or genetic deformation in the brain, aka crazy is well, quite alarming. I’ve always been intrigued by irrational actions and the reasons, if any, behind it. Wonder what Olive Clone might have been thinking when she did what she did ehy? Outta be interesting.

 

Hello again folks.

 


 

 

Mar 02, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Ultimate Polytechnic Guide!

 

Hi kids! Gotten your ‘O’ Level results and unsure of whether the polytechnic route is the right choice? Worried that you might be beaten up on your first day of tertiary education? Wanting to know how to dispel the trepidation that you might have towards the courses offered? Well fret not! The team @stuffbyme.bravehost.com proudly brings you the ultimate polytechnic guide!

 

This survival kit includes the tricks and trades of surviving the three years of polytechnic education stress-free! Our panel of expert advisers will cover topics such as;

 

- How to not look like a freshman on your first day! (So you won’t get beaten up)

- The proper body language to give the illusion of ‘paying attention’ during lectures!

- The art of copying your classmate’s tutorials!

- The EXACT words to say to your lecturers to get them to INSTANTLY like you!

- How to be absent from classes and still not submit a MC.

 

Intrigued yet? Or do you want more? We even cover heavy duty stuff such as;

 

- Essential Negotiating methods (some even used by Mossad agents!) so that you are able to get ridiculous extensions on project deadlines.

- Master the ways of deception so that your powerpoint slides will be top notch!

 

Below is an extract from ‘Ultimate Polytechnic Guidebook’

 

Page 54 – Building a student-lecturer relationship

 

“It is absolutely imperative that a solid relationship is developed between a student and his/her lecturer. This technique is recommended for modules that students are somewhat weak in. By establishing a connection, a student will be able to negotiate (Page 87) more effectively as a lecturer’s initial ‘student defense ego’ (Page 73) is lowered considerably. Below is a list of statements that a student may want to apply;

 

-‘Sir…I like your shirt ah, make you look like Taufik Batisah sia! Serious!’

 

-‘Hello handsome! Tomorrow’s lecture still on ya?’

 

-‘Hi Sir, you give me ‘A’ and I will suck your ……’”

 

Those are just three of FIFTY statements that you can use! Still not convinced? Below are actual testimonials!

 

“…this is the best investment ever. I would like to thank the people at www.stuffbyme.bravehost.com for making my poly life such an enjoyable experience!” – a random guy whose name we cannot be bothered to note down cause this testimonial is fake

 

“..because of this guide…I am now happily married to my former lecturer! We got engaged during my last semester in XXX Poly!” – a horny girl

 

Okay,okay…you must be itching to have your hands on this guide. Hell, we’ll even throw in some Burger King coupons and a porn DVD just for fun of it. First time payment is just US$20 and we wont bother you for THIRTY days. That’s right. You can wank all you want for those thirty days with our complimentary DVD of a poly girl doing it and why not knock yourself out with those coupons. Don’t believe that ‘Super Size Me’ movie as its all special effects. Trust us. Eating Burger King everyday will make your penis longer. Serious! (Girls your bobos will get bigger)

 

So after thirty days and seventeen inches of extra penis length later and you’re convinced that you want the remainder of the guide, just give us a call and we’ll charge the remaining US$329 to your credit account. If you are still not convinced…keep the porn DVD! It’s our way of saying ‘Thanks for trying!’

 

Sincerely Yours,

 

FYI.

 


 

 

Feb 22, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with FYI - Kevin Federline

 

Kevin Federline is britney’s husband. He recently released a single called, ‘PopoZao’. Enough said.

 

Heya Kevin

What’up Fyi

 

Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn’t slap you based on your song title alone?

I shagged Britney?

 

Amen

Amen bro

 

Seriously man, your lyrical prowess is unparallel

Word

 

I mean shit, you put even Tupac to shame

I feel you bro

 

‘I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty’…my god, now is that rhyming or is that rhyming? Utterly genius mate. With the sexual innuendos, no less.

*laughs* you’re cool bro

 

But you know what…my FAVORITE line in your orgasmic inducing song…is definitely..

Yea?

 

This part…the…'Po,Po,Po,Po, Popozao, Popozao'…awww man *wipes tears*

Hell yea…awesome isn’t it? Popozao. It means ‘bring your ass’ in Portuguese ya know? Im like shit that’s cool. I overhead it when my overpaid brazilian pool boy was like ‘yo yo…popozao’ at my latino house cleaner who’s like got massive bobos so like yea that’s cool. Yo. Word.

 

Profoundly interesting. Portuguese ehy? No shit. Now all this while I really thought you were calling out for one of the Teletubbies.

Tele what?

 

Teletubbies? Never heard of em? Now those guys rock.

Are they from the Bronx?

 

Erm..yea..so there’s Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala and…wait for it…Po!

No shit!

No shit my brother.

 

So they rap and stuff?

They do more than that. They dance and stuff. Every Week!

 

Every week?

Every damn week!

 

But fret not Kevin…I can see that your writing style is somewhat…similar…if not....*whispers*…slightly better than them…if I dare say so myself

You really think so?

 

I know so my Britney shagging brother.

Thanks man. Stuffbyme.bravehost.com is the best!

 

 

Word.

 


  

Feb 15, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

VDAY Entry

 

My laptop has been rendered useless due to a technical fault with the keyboard panel. In layman terms, I wanked too much in front of my laptop…and completion of this declaration would require…oh never mind. As of this moment, I am nicely ensconced in the corner of a neat little cybercafe, in Toa Payoh no less, and churning out this entry. Yes that’s right. Look what you shitheads made me do.

 

Everybody kept asking me what I did on Vday. You folks really want to know what the blabbering hell I did on that damn day? I’ll bloody tell you.

 

I went around Orchard, stalking those prepubescent couples that were glued to each other, and at the precise moment, I grab those heinous roses and start stabbing both of them (guy and girl, or guy and guy, or girl and girl etc) till they see their own intestines.

 

Also, on VDAY, I am awfully proud of the fact that:

-         I farted and peed, SIMULTANEOUSLY…like 3 times. Now is that skill or what? Can your damn boyfriend do that? Huh? Huh?

-         I formulated 67 different ways to murder someone with a rose.

-         I muttered a record 215161 obscenities from Changi to Somerset, within a space of twenty minutes.

 

You know how many damn roses I saw when I left my office in Changi to head over to town area? Gosh. I really cannot fathom it. And VDAY fell on a Tuesday night for god’s sake. It meant a school night! Don’t you bloody idiots have homework or something? This proves that the standard of the current education system is faltering. Give them more homework I say. However, I digress.  

 

The whole damn society has been cajoled by this whole marketing ploy. Valentine’s day is like having a special day to Queue up when buying meals at MacDonald’s. You’re supposed to queue up when buying your meals you morons! I can imagine all those blubbering idiots standing uniformly in line, hugging each other, the boyfriends giving the girlfriends MacDonald coupons…etc. I’ll be tapping the guy in front of me:

 

“Excuse me sir, I do not mean to intrude, but may I ask why exactly is the queue unusually long?” <<Me asking, polite as usual.

 

“im queuing with my girlfriend to buy MacDonald’s…it is such an apt day”

 

“What in heaven’s name are you talking about?”

 

“oh don’t you know my fellow countryman, today is ‘Queue Up’ day!”

 

I will then proceed to bash the guy’s head with the MacDonald tray. After which I will start making out with the girlfriend. I am the best.

 

Gosh, folks, please lah.

 


 

 

Jan 26, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Movie Review - Memoirs of a Geisha

 

Folks, I saw Geisha. Yes, that story. That much hyped story about Geishas. Here is my review, unbiased, as always. Ahem.

 

It starts off in this fishing village where two little girls get sold off. Then right, something happens and they get separated and stuff. Bla bla they grow up and BAM, everybody becomes hot. Except for one character, Pumkin, in which I have no bloody idea why she’s called like that. It really bothered the hell out of me. Give her a proper Japanese sounding name for god’s sake. They had ‘Chiyo’, ‘Hatsumono’ or something, then suddenly you have ‘Pumpkin’. It’s like having a Malay drama and the characters being called ‘Zaki’, ‘Faizal’ and then suddenly ‘Popiah’. Oh there’s another character that is called, The Chairman. To think that he’s supposed to be one of the key characters in that movie. Please lah, when you are just given the name of ‘the Chairman’, it’s really sad. Somehow undermines the important role that the fellow entails in the development of other characters. So anway, Gong Li is introduced and damn, she’s hot.

 

She plays this crazy psycho bitch that’s jealous of blue eyed wannabe geisha kid, Zhang Zhiyi, and like, she’s just hot lah. She’s just crazy most of the time, fusion that with her raging temper and oh boy, give her a whip and I’ll be her ‘danna’ anytime. A ‘danna’ is like a Geisha’s ISO 9002. It’s her certification that she’s reached that level, the level where she has somebody to sponsor her, pay for her lodging, fees etc as only exclusive Geisha’s are entitled to that. Well actually in modern times, we call those…sugardaddy(s)    

 

The other characters were not fully developed, so when a gripping -and I do use the word gripping loosely here- unfolds, you do not feel much for the characters and the scenarios that they are engulfed in. At most you’ll start scratching your nose. Or you can always start applying my ‘Why get bored’ series, movie theatre edition. Rating? 2, 2 and a half at most out of 5 points.

 

Oh, those scenes with Gong Li making out? 4 out of 5 points, no doubt.

 


  

Jan 22, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

To the couples out there.

 

You know there’s a mystery even greater than the Bermuda triangle which I am just unable to fathom. What I don’t get is why some Singaporeans, when walking that is, tend to stray from left to right, seemingly oblivious to the whole world that is attempting to pass them. Couples are especially guilty of this heinous act. You think we all give a damn about your love story? Hell no. What the bloody hell is wrong with you. Really. When im in a hurry, I really do not want to waste my time to second guess your coordinates as you maneuver yourself directly onto my path. So folks, the next time you are leisurely strolling and suddenly find yourself on the floor, face first, nose bleeding…I take full responsibility. Print out this article and use it as evidence against me ok?

 

Still on the topic of couples, if you are guilty of the following, shame on you.

 

- Wearing matching tops. Is it supposed to be cute? Is it? is it??? You bloody tell me. Why the blubbering donkey are you wearing the same top as your gf/bf? Are you two trying to start a bloody movement? Are you two campaigning for something? Is that a pre pubescent protest against the parents? Wearing matching clothes get you discounts? Do you two turn each other on?

 

- Share a plate. You take your bloody plate and you go to hell. I’ll be damned if my I let my girlfriend share my food. I’ll be like, “nah uh bitch stop eating my potatoes.” I don’t give a damn if my girlfriend cheats on me, sleeps with other guys etc, but if she were to ever take a sip from my bandung….amen to her. Couples argue that it’s romantic. Girls wake up; your guys are just hiding behind that excuse. Ask them to buy you a plate. If he refuses, check his wallet. Then you whack him with an umbrella.

 

- Fight in public. This is hilarious lah. Its always the same scene which unfolds. A girl standing with her arms crossed, complimented by the ‘I cant believe you just did that but I am not gonna cry cause I am an independent woman thanks to Beyonce but I am gonna sulk cause I am still sensitive like a flower so you must know what to say next to make me feel better so that I will wear matching clothes the next time im out with you’ face. The guy of course, has no bloody idea what to do. He’ll be like, “aiya don’t cry leh, don’t cry, we’ll wear matching clothes next time ok?”.

 

The next couple I see with matching clothes will have this article stapled to their foreheads.

 


 

Jan 16, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

IGallop. I think.


Have you folks seen that IGallop advertisement on channel 5? You know the one with the girls riding and having fun on this machine which claims to tone up your body? Oh my goodness I love that one. That is the softest porn ever broadcasted on Channel 5! You wont believe how many porn videos ive downloaded that start out like that. Girls giggling, riding something, fully clothed –at first of course- then suddenly this dude comes in with his impossibly huge dick and humps all the girls…but back to the IGallop. The expression on a family member’s face when the advertisement came on was full of disgust, while I, on the other hand, was desperately trying to suppress my ‘im so turned on’ face.

 

On the flipside, I’ll be damned if my mother or sister decides to buy that machine and use it while im around. You know how traumatizing it will be to see your fifty ish year old mother riding that damn thing and having fun. Gosh, give me a moment while i try to keep it together, as i am already tearing at that thought. Really folks, if your mum decides to buy that damn thing, move out, for your sake.

 

You know who else gets traumatized by their fifty ish year old mothers? Madonna’s children. You know some day when they're all grown up, they're gonna watch that video with their mother gyrating around in spandex and they’ll think to themselves, ‘what did I ever do in my previous life to deserve this?’

 

But of course, you can never beat a Tai tai in spandex. Bloody sexy I tell you. Hmmm damn.

 


 

Jan 05, 2006

 

Comment of the day; 

 

New Year entry.

 

Folks, im a tad too late to post a New Year entry aren’t i? But of course, I am not defined by the conventional rules of society, so, let me present to you, the worst, and the best, of 2005.

 

Presenting, <insert imaginary drumroll>

 

Worst Song of the Year: You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Worst Song Lyrics of the Year: You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Worst Album of the Year: Back To Bedlam – James Blunt

Worst Music Video of the Year: You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Worst hairstyle of the Year: James Blunt.

 

Woah, Mr Blunt swept all the awards ya? Okay, okay, how about the ‘Best’ section of the awards?

 

Best gay-ish voice – James Blunt

Best, ‘slap me’ face – James Blunt

Best person to get annoyed to – James Blunt

Best song to annoy people with – You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

Best song to imitate – You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

 

What about New Year resolutions? I get incredibly chagrined when some retarded dipshit says ‘Oh, I want to be more happy!’ as a New Year resolution. What? Do you think you live in Disneyland or something? Wake up people. The world really is a sad, sad place, especially Toa Payoh. Alamak depressing like hell I tell you. No hot babes. Before I let my pessimistic side hold me hostage, I’ll list down my own resolutions.

 

Fyi’s new year resolutions;

 

- to stop disturbing James Blunt (I really will try)

- to leave Scooby Doo alone

- to not say anything when BSB, – Bull Shit Boys - ,arrives in Singapore.

- to support Italy with all my heart when the World Cup starts in June.

- to start a blog? (hell no)

 

Alright, it is no sub-rosa that I also get annoyed with blogs, bad ones (read as: giggle-infused teenage girls) especially. But I gotta start giving ‘serious-bloggers’ a chance. Those who can chronicle their daily lives with certain panache, articulate their [pertinent] opinions really well, and at the same time, provide thought provoking entertainment to readers, while keeping his or her grammar in check. Those, in my opinion, are the prerequisites, of a solid online medium. Some, however, will argue that blogs are merely online journals written by people needing an outlet, and while some may not possess a strong command of the language, one should not dampen their love for expressing/writing.

 

Im not saying they should stop. Im just saying, those blogs, annoy the blubbering hell out of me. It’s a matter of a preference no doubt, for example, I really hate tomatoes. Infer from that, please.

 

But on a more serious note, here’s one resolution that I am sure my readers will be pleased to know.

 

- I will try to update more often.

 

So really, stop bloody complaining will you folks?

 

Have an awesome 2006 my dear readers.

 

Regards,

 

FYI.

 


 

Dec 19, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

The Chronicles of FYI: The Donuts, the Burgers and the Bandung.

 

My colleague’s wife got for him, as a birthday gift, a new ZEN micro MP3 player. Damn. I need to get one of those. A wife I mean, not an MP3 player. Shit, why buy the fish when you can get the pond that has the fishes right?

 

Speaking of wives, let me first off, wish my lovely wife, Alyssa Milano, an extremely jovial ‘forever 23’ birthday dear. Yes shitheads, her birthday falls on the 19th of this month.

 

Anyways, folks, I was reading a book on tantric sex and the author was mentioning odors and smells which the phallus (penis for those dickshits who are clueless) are ‘sensitive’ to and believe it or not, one of the smells which will encourage a rush of blood to the southern region is….DONUTS! Bloody unbelievable! Im bloody serious! Hah, all this while, you homo sapiens have laughed at my holy trinity, that being Donuts, Bandung and Burgers. But now, I shall reign supreme, albeit a touch of vainglory, at this divine afflatus which I have been delightfully exposed to. Now all I have to do is research on the fact that bandung can cure cancer and burgers will improve your brain power. Hmmmm.

 

Alright folks, we shall not digress any further as the main point of this article is to introduce to you shitheads a brand new series! Wow! That’s right, from the producers of ’60 Seconds with Fyi’ and ‘WHY GET BORED?’ comes an incredibly refreshing series titled, ‘Creatively-Politically Incorrect’ or ‘CPI’. Most important aspect of this series involves my msn contacts and my dearest of readers of course. What happens is that once in a while, I will be asking people to complete a sentence, and the top ten most creative responses will get published. In other words, if your responses are the most creative and politically incorrect, it will be published here, if not, start using the right side of your brain more folks.

 

Here it is. Top ten most creative responses to the following statement;

 

Life would be more interesting if…

 

10.Everybody has fruity smelling genitals (what’s up with this one?)

 

9. A guy’s dick disappears

 

8. Ronaldinho is Singaporean

 

7. Burger King had home delivery (hell yeah)

 

6. farts were nicer than perfume

 

5. spongebob squarepants is real (I just had to include this one folks)

 

4. nothing is sinful

 

3. Oprah is lesbian

 

2. everybody is bald (hah)

 

And the number one most creative answer goes to….

 

  1. Life would be more interesting if…I can have an orgasm everyday.  (AMEN, well actually it is possible...hmm)

 

There you have it folks. Top 10 most Creatively-Politically Incorrect answers from you readers as well as the folks over on my msn list.

 


 

Dec 8, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

WHY GET BORED? - MRT Edition.

 

That’s right folks. A brand new season of WHY GET BORED.

 

Here are ways to entertain your self in the train;

 

- When standing, hum to yourself out loud. As in like, loud. I usually hum tunes from movie scores; LOTR or STAR WARS works best here.

- (this works well when you are in a crowded train) start tapping people’s shoulders. When they turn, point out to some random person. Repeat process

- When the train pulls at a station, stand at e opposite door, facing the tunnel still, and say out loud stuff like, “oh my god where’s the station? Where the hell is it?”. Repeat for every station till someone beats you up.

- Do a ‘im getting shot by lots of bullets’ movement whenever the beeping for closing of train doors is played. Hilarious I tell you. Do try to coordinate the sounds with the movement.

- Talk back to the recorded announcements; say stuff like, “sorry? Next stop dhoby ghaut?”, or “thanks for the info!” or even, “could you repeat that miss?” Get annoyed when you are ignored.

- Give up your sit to the wrong people, say, a middle aged guy would be perfect. Trust me.

- Dramatically swing from one handle to the other while reciting lines from Indiana jones

- This is a no brainer, start pole dancing folks.

- Get out of the train at every stop, then walk back in and say, ‘no, not this one either’.

- Disturb the train driver. Knock on his door. Ask him if you can come in. Keep knocking till he replies, something, anything.

- Make faces at the person sitting next to you through the reflection if you are seated.

- Play ‘MRT awards’. Decide who has the best shoe, top, pants etc. Go up to them and congratulate them.

- Wake up people who are sleeping and tell them its their stop. Wake them up at every stop. Insist they tell you where they stopping so you can wake them up. After that, wake them at every stop still, just to double check with them.

- Inform the person sitting next to you to wake you up at a certain station before you go to sleep.

- When you wake up, pick a random person and blame him/her for not waking you up.

- You can disturb the driver again by knocking on his door and asking him why he didn’t wake you up.

- Start to hyperventilate every time the train goes into tunnels and when it emerges, start clapping and congratulating everyone on a job well done and say things like, ‘we did it!’ or ‘we couldn’t have done it without each other’. Repeat the process.

- Greet everyone who walks into the train. ‘Good afternoon <generic name>’. Works best when done with a cheery tone and disposition. This applies to people leaving the train, saying stuff like, ‘bye thank you, see you again!’.

 

Enjoy the rest of your week folks.

 


 

Nov 12, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

News article?

 

A reader commented to me in regards to the content of this site, particularly, the lack of serious articles addressing world/political issues. I believe our verbal exchange went something like this;

 

“Oh great master orgasm inducer, why don’t you write serious articles discussing current world issues such as the viability of when, not if, a bird flu pandemic will occur and how exactly can the trial of former Iraqi leader been deemed ‘fair’ under international observers, this will definitely bring in a….”

 

I didn’t hear the last part cause I couldn’t help staring at her epic bobos. Alright folks, brace your self for a really serious article. Please, out of respect for both the content of the following article and the girl with the big bobos who suggested it, keep a straight face when reading it.

 

A very serious article

 

By FYI

 

Political observers around the world are bracing themselves for an extremely volatile situation in the eastern part of Singapore as journalists from as far as the gulf region are converging on our tiny island for a perplexing scenario which is unfolding, right now as we speak.

 

The prime minister has declined to comment, citing ‘safety reasons’ and ‘uncertainty’ in regards to this new threat that has the whole world riveted. UN chairman, Dr Charles Xavier, has issued a statement, declaring that the world will not be held hostage. “Whatever methods this people have resorted to, we are condemning it.” Activists from the Singapore Activists Movement People’s Authority House or SAMPAH are planning to stage a protest in Bedok, ‘any time soon’. Already, the Singapore Health Institute and Technology (SHIT) are reporting a spike in the number of people admitted to the local hospitals for trauma related cases. The head of SHIT, MR Thambi Tadaa has warned people to stay away from Bedok Town Central, and that includes the overzealous journalists eager to get a snippet of the on-goings there. MR TT also issued a travel advisory warning to the rest of Singapore, cautioning them against traveling to the above mentioned town. Eye witnesses have been reported as saying that they saw mostly, ‘aunties, grannies, frilly clothing, lingerie, and the world sale.’ That was when most of the people who were admitted started feeling nauseas, followed promptly by asphyxiation and eventually passing out.

 

“I couldn’t take it, when my grandmother pulled me to that stall, I nearly lost it. But it was when she tried on the purple lingerie…that was the last thing I remembered before puking my lungs out and passing out.” Says Maggie Asam. The 25 year old civil servant can consider himself one of the lucky ones.12 year old Rich Dick was so traumatized when he saw his 48 year old aunty trying on red frilly lingerie that he ran away from the stall, onto the path of an sedan that was speeding out of the area. Rick Dick’s life ended prematurely. “I swear he has never done that, at most he wails whenever i bring him near the stall!” sobs his 48 year old aunty, Ainita Blowe. Lingerie experts believe that combining low grade quality lingerie targeted at really old women and selling them with such brazenness, especially in a neighborhood like Bedok was a recipe for disaster, especially in the visual sense. Most people interviewed by the team agreed that seeing their, ‘grannies in kinky undies’ is an equivalent of an apocalyptic carnality. The stall has since been under tight military presence since news of the outbreak broke out on Sunday evening.

 

MR TT insists that the situation is currently under control and encourage Singaporeans to go on their daily routines. However, he reminded Singaporeans to be vigilant of repeated incidents, “we were lucky that this stall decided to launch its operations in a town that has a relatively small ageing population.” So which town will be hit the hardest if the stall decides to relocate?

 

“Toa Payoh. Most definite” He replied hesitantly.

 

Folks, go to Bedok central and see for your self.

 


 

 

Nov 6, 2005

 

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with FYI- James Blunt

 

I really wish, somebody will slap the hair and living shit out of James Blunt. He annoys the blubbering hell out of me. He is weirdly pale. Look at him. He has that, ‘okok you can slap me’ face doesn’t he? And you know what’s the most irritating aspect bout him? That song! Yes THAT song. But being the professional interviewer that I am, I manage to get hold of him for the newest episode '60 Seconds with Fyi'.

 

Hi James Blunt, is your name an unintended pun or do you really mean to be direct with your *coughs* hit song, ‘You’re Beautiful’?

*laughs* nah this song is all truth. I was really inspired to write such as song when I did saw someone really beautiful in a train one day.

 

What’s your favorite color?

Erm, brown I suppose.

 

Have you tried Maggie curry before?

I beg your pardon?

 

Maggie curry lah, have you tried it?

I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

Why do you think Alex Ferguson insist on using the 4-3-3 formation?

Who?

 

Do you like donuts?

What has that got to do with anything? Are you going to ask me about my album?

 

Ya ok moving on, can I slap you?

Im sorry?

 

I mean your song, how many times have it been requested during your live appearances?

I don’t know, countless I suppose.

 

Right, this translates to the fact that for one song, you say the line, ‘You’re beautiful’, hmmm…42 times? im estimating that this song has been requested 500000 times  thus this ultimately equates to the fact that you’ve said that sacred line, 582 trillion times over the course of just a few months. How does that feel?

*stumped*

 

Mr James blunt, let me be blunt here alright? Like you, I am able to conjure up inspirational lyrics for a killer song, hell, I wrote a thesis on songwriting which I am happy to share with you. So here it is, my version of your song:

 

I am so brilliant.

I am so pure.

I saw Mr Blunt.

You rhyme with cunt.

 

You smiled at me, from the tv screen.

You were fiddling with a guitar.

I will definitely lose some sleep

Fret not I got a plan.

 

You’re annoying, you’re annoying

You’re annoying its true.

I saw your face, in a crowded place.

Hell yeah I now know what to do.

To inflict some pain onto you.

 

Im back folks. You have been warned.

 


 

September 15, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

FAQ

 

Finally folks, after careful structuring and censoring (lots of it), I present to you, this website’s official FAQ!

 

Why did you start this website?

I wanted children to have new dreams. Instead of saying, ‘Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor/lawyer/pole dancer’, I figured, hey, with this site, they’ll be forced to rethink about their future and eventually lead them to declare, ‘Mummy, when I grow up, I want to have a killer website like Fyi’. Other reasons include making girls wet with my writings which in turn will make them want to suck me senseless. Final reason would be for guys to steal witty ‘one-liners’ from my website to impress their bloody girlfriends so that their girlfriends would want to suck them senseless.

 

Why are your updates so infrequent?

Cause I have a life. Next.

 

Do you always type in a prim and proper manner?

I do try. At times, I really cannot be bothered. And yes folks, I am aware of the grammatical and spelling errors littered sporadically across my articles. Sorry to say, I am human after all.

 

Your readers are mostly from?

Some students from institutions such as NP, NUS and SIM (that I am aware of lah). But mostly people who were looking for naked pictures of either Jessica Alba, Alyssa Milano, Sponge Bob Square pants etcetera usually stumble upon my website.

 

Why Alyssa Milano? There are other artists way hotter than her?

I will slap your head. How dare you. Folks, do note that if any negativity were to be directed to the following likings of mine;

-Donuts

-Burgers

-Bandung

-Alyssa Milano

I will kill your family.

 

What are some interesting facts about this website that readers may not be aware of?

I’ve used the word;

Dipshit – 87 times.

Shitheads – 72 times

Bobos – 148 times.

Folks – 64 times

 

What makes it all worthwhile?

Having some people actually trying to count and reaffirm the facts that I stated above. Pure bliss I tell you.

 


 

September 12, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Renaissance of sorts, not just yet.

 

Oh do not worry about this over-extended hiatus that this ‘I am running out of superlatives’ website is currently undergoing. Exams are yet again, holding me hostage [for the last time]. Nonetheless, new season of '60 Seconds with Fyi', ‘Why get bored?’ and all new segments will be unveiled to my porn deprived readers such as you, and you…and yes you with the funny t-shirt. Hello to that girl with big bobos. Soon enough folks. In the meantime, here's what you dipshits can do to pass the time;

 

- Dig you left nostril, then dig your right nostril, the nostril with more dirt is the winner.

- Call Macdonald up at 4 am and ask for serviettes.

- Expose the porn on your sibling's laptop to your mum or dad, if there's no porn, plant some. You can email me if you want some killer ones.

- Start writing inspirational songs, using my previous entry as a guide.

- Go to a local provision shop, start putting items on the counter and ask the uncle 'how much?'...then walk away. Go to the next shop and repeat the process.

- When on a bus, walk up to the driver while he's driving and say, 'Ya okay uncle, you make a left here then stop before the traffic light'.

- Under 'Special Achievements' in your resume, put 'Burping the Alphabet'. Either that or how many rounds of sex you can go without resting.

- Masturbate to News 5 tonight?

 

 I just bestowed upon you vagina heads some deep psychological stuff there. Till then folks.

 


 

August 9, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Guide to Song Composing - National Day Songs.

 

Is it just me or do our national songs are among the most politically correct songs, ever? Almost parallel to the type of songs you’d expect from an Idol winner, the ‘inspiring’ lyrics never fails to just make me jump up from wherever I am and wave my little plastic flag around. But of course, composing such a song is, surprisingly enough, quite a simple procedure. That’s right folks; even YOU DIPSHITS can be like Dick Lee, or some other generic named composer. All you have to do is be sure to add in the following words, and I guaran-damn-tee you that it’ll be a hit. Trust me.

 

Dream – You just have to include this word in folks. The mother of all inspirational words, it is just impossible to get inspired by a song ignorant of this word. Really. For example, compare exhibit A and B

 

Exhibit A: “together…..we will make it” << Nothing special ehy?

Exhibit B: “together…..we will DREAM!” << WOW! Didn’t that just make you fill up with so much hope that it makes you just want to volunteer with a charity, help old ladies cross the road, and at the same time, donate lots and lots of blood?

 

Home – Woah , pardon me folks, I nearly ejaculated typing that word. This is a no brainier. How else can you infuse that sense of belonging to our beloved country by using that word, over, and over, and over again?

 

Stars – Can I just cry? It makes me wanna hug everybody on the MRT every time I hear this word.

 

Reach Out For the Skies – Excuse me while I resurrect myself after drowning of inspirasi-overdose. I don’t know bout all of you, but I get muscle spasms, directly related to the fact that I try to control myself to not follow the most coolest dance moves on TV Mobile, every time its on. Why do they torture me so? Don’t they know that I really really really I want to contribute to national security, the economy and social defense by coordinating my hands and feet to that orgasmic inducing steps?

 

To culminate the point of this article, let me, believe it or not, write for you folks a national day song, making full use of all the words we’ve covered today okay children?

 

Verse:

Home….is where my dream is…

Home….is where the stars are..

As you, reach out for the skies..

Grab the stars…and something

 

Chorus:

Its all about the he said, she said, stars

Cause I don’t wanna be lonely anymore

As my home, is on fire

My dreams, my desire

 

Repeat the verse, chorus, than verse after which you introduce a bridge, come back to the chorus. Just re-use the Macarena as the dance steps. Throw in some celebrities, and trust me folks, it’s gonna be a massive hit. Pardon me while I await the Nobel Prize for contributing to world peace with my massively inspiring song.

 


 

July 17, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

This is a public service announcement

 

People who vehemently refuse to move to the back of the bus may continue to not adhere to requests [to move] under the following circumstances.

 

If you were to move any further, it will;

 

-         Lead to the death of a family member.

-         Lead to Scooby Doo being awarded best cartoon

-         Lead to the extermination of DunKin Donuts worldwide (dear lord)

-         Cause a ‘War of the Worlds’.

-         Cause me to watch ‘War of the Worlds’ again.

-         Lead to my divorce with Alyssa Milano

-         Make you lose your job/degree/diploma

-         Annihilate your genitals

-         Lead to annihilation of life as we know it

-         Lead to your arrest

-         Cause you to tYpE yOuR pRofiLes liK(sic) a rEtaRdEd dOnKey (if you’re already typing like this, this rule doesn’t apply, of course)

-         Make the bus to do a wheelie due to the sudden shift of weight (would be an interesting sight no doubt)

-         Make bobos disappear from women (oh dear)

-         Lead to Solitaire being awarded best game ever

-         Make my annoying shithead of a younger brother future president of Singapore

-         Permanently change your name to ‘Beruk Bacin Bin Baghedel’ (ask your malay speaking friends what that means)

-         Lead your girlfriend to laugh at your penis hysterically every time you two do it because she finds it, ‘ticklish’.

-         Lead your boyfriend to hit on your sister, best girl friend and mom….simultaneously.

-         Cause you to get STD

-         Lead to your death.

 

If none of the rules apply to you, please move to the back of the bus when it’s getting crowded. Thank you, and have a pleasant day ahead.

 

Bloody dipshits.

 


 

 

July 11, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Fantastic? Hardly.

 

The following were my observations after watching Fantastic Four.

 

-         ‘The thing’ doesn’t really need an erection does he? Considering his flaccid penis is still…well, hard.

-         Mr Fantastic can really stretch ehy? Every limb. Im sure it does wonder for his sex life. He could be in the bedroom while the wife can be in the kitchen. Catch my drift?

-         So which it is ladies? A permanent erection or an adjustable length?

-         And oh, ms invisible wont be shouting ‘faster faster’, it’ll be ‘longer, longer’.

-         In regards to the human torch, he fully utilizes the term, fiery temper.

-         As oppose to his ‘FLAME ON’ command, I personally believe I have my own command. ‘TURN ON’. On cue.

-         Jessica Alba is just sinfully hot.

-         I didn’t like the fact that she zipped up all the way when fighting that metal dude. Boo to the director for that.

-         The movie reaffirms every guy’s beliefs that every nurse is hot, and they can ski damn well (okay maybe not the skiing bit)

-         Do look out for Jessie’s undergarments during the bridge rescue scene. Straight out from Victoria’s secret, catalogue spring edition, page 52. (or some fancy brand)

-         Who is/was Victoria anyway? I bet she’s hot.

-         ‘That’s hot’

 

 

Other than the above mentioned points, how’s the movie, really? It’s alright. Not something I’d see again, but definitely a much much better movie than that bloody War of the Worlds. Bloody dipshits made me waste like god knows how many bucks. Even made me skip class, to watch what? Bunch of people running around, screaming and dying the same way they did in movies such as Godzilla, and erm stuff.

 


 

July 3, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

The correct etiquette to writing 'Warning' letters.

 

The following is an actual extract of a warning letter in my school email that those dipshits at NP sent me after I ahem...had a self declared public holiday.

 

'Dear GENIOUS OF STUFFBYME.BRAVEHOST.COM

Please be informed that your attendance level is about to fall below 85% should you be absent one more time from the following module/class:

Module: XXXXXX
Description: XXXXXXX

Please note that if your attendance falls below 80%, you could potentially be debarred from examinations for this module.

Thank you.

This email is a system generated email. Please do not reply.'

 

You know what irks me about this bullshit ‘system generated email’? For starters, the ‘Dear’ bit annoys me. Is it supposed to be more comforting? I don’t mind if I won a prize or something, like Dear Mr Fyi, you’ve won a lap dance or some shit like that. But to start off a, as they claim, warning letter with a ‘Dear’ certainly undermines the subtle threat that the letter intends to convey. Imagine if kidnappers started doing that ehy? “Dear Mr so and so, Please be informed that we’ve kidnapped your son”. This brings me to my next point of course.

 

‘Please be informed’? No shit. I never liked reminders of sorts. And the most annoying bit of this email? The ‘Thank You’ bit. It’s so polite you know, makes me want to reply, albeit the equally polite request to not do so, them with the following:

 

‘Dear system generated email,

 

You are most welcomed!

 

P.S. You are so polite!’

 

My point folks? If you want to write a warning letter:

 

A-    Do not make it system generated, give it a more human touch

B-    Don’t be so polite, you need to get tough with those class-skipping students.

C-    Do not send it through email, cause (read next reason)

D-    You want to smear your warning letter with blood. Yup that’s right. Like those loan sharks, killer tactics. I’ll start crying if I open my warning letter and it’s drenched in blood.

E-     With that, the message shall be,

 

“Skip school some more, you die!”

 

And that shitheads, is the correct etiquette to writing warning letters.

 


 

June 15, 2005

 

Comment of the day;

 

Please use common sense. Thank you.

 

To those vaginaheads who flooded my friendster inbox with that bullshit-tainted message saying that friendster is going to close down, i shall present to you a quote from one of the episodes from Southpark.

 

" <insert name of vaginahead>, you're so god damn stupid it's unbelievable."

 

To the folks at Burger King Liat Towers, what the hell did you people do to my chicken whooper? You see, i was having dinner there on Tuesday and i ordered a chicken whooper. Hold on, let me formulate for you dipshits what i mean;

 

Previously;

Burger divided by number of bites equals to satisfactory level, hence

 

Chicken Whooper/1241 (rough estimate) = Bloody Full.

 

On Tuesday night;

 

Chicken Whooper/0.000415 = Pissed off Fyi

 

It's like they thought it'd be hilarious to cut my chicken up in half and sew up the remaining end. Also, please do not put bloody tomatoes in my burgers. I hate tomatoes, they shouldn't belong in burgers, put them in back of a closet or something, somwhere inaccesible to civilization. Even the spelling is messed up, looks like 'Tom a toes' or some shit like that. Sigh.

 

Till next time folks.

 


Comment of the day;

 

Top five most….interesting advertisements.

 

I have unfortunately been over-exposed to Channel five during the holidays and have come to the conclusion that most of its shows are well, pretty much crap. There was however, a slight reprieve, due to the advertisements that were shown. I thought this advertisements were erm…interesting, to say the least. I present you:

 

Number 5-

THAT budget airline ads. Air asia is it? Not sure, but it was hilarious. The one with the shadows and stuff. Very well done Air asia (sheesh I might be giving the wrong company a good name)

 

Number 4-

THAT Cadbury advertisement. I don’t know, something about eating your family members and inviting the shark to bite your chocolate ass is somewhat disturbing.

 

Number 3-

ANY star wars related advertisement promoting the orgasmic inducing episode 3. I swear I try not to ejaculate everytime it’s on. Oh by the way, will somebody tell my why they aren’t screening a marathon? You know for episodes 1, 2 and 3? Bloody pussies. If anybody knows any information, do email me. I will make you famous by putting your name on my website.

 

Number 2-

City Square Residences. My goodness. I love this one. Cleverly exaggerating it’s proximity to the facilities, it also helped that it had

A)    Hot daughter

B)     Hot mum

C)    Hot sales lady

D)    Hot shopping lady

E)     Hot girl at pool

F)     And most importantly, hot girl leaning over couch and if she had leaned any further, her cleavage would have made the camera lens foggy.

 

Number 1-

HL milk Banana flavor. Let’s go banana folks. A dancing cow wearing a tiara made of bananas. You CANT get any funnier than that. (cept maybe if they had used a penguin or a duck)

 


 

May 02, Un-rantfied.

 

Comment of the Day:

 

Billboard Century Award Recipient: Stevie Wonder.

 

Did any of you folks catch the 2004 Billboard Awards Show yesterday? I know I didn’t. I never liked award shows.  I was channel surfing when I happened to land on the part where they were giving out the ‘Century Award’ to Stevie Wonder. Here were my observations;

 

  1. The crowd gave him a standing ovation. Sure, Stevie’s minders might have told him, “Stevie they’re standing up for you”, but I felt that part was dark humor at its best.
  2. Oh no don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against blind people, especially ones that are maestros with any musical equipment. Shit, I have both my sight and I can’t even dig my nose properly.
  3. His shades are really nice.
  4. Does he know he sways? (a friend asked me that)

 

Nonetheless, props to Stevie for earning that award. Who styles his hair anyway? Does he know his hair is full of cornrows? That was a random thought. Hmm.

 


 

April 24, Sunday

 

Comment of the day; 

 

I am annoyed that you people rarely annoy me anymore.

 

I honestly cannot be bothered with the fact that Singapore will have 2 freaking casinos. I am actually looking forward more to the theme parks that will be built as part of the ‘integrated’ resort. It’s about time we have some real orgasmic fun on this bloody island. I mean, what other sort of brilliant entertainment do we honestly get to immerse ourselves in? Okay, other than my website, what else?

 

Speaking of my website, if you’ve noticed, most of my entries are a result of being pissed off by something or someone. If you did not notice that then well…you are stupid. Now, it seems that I draw inspiration from being annoyed. Therefore, the current lack of updates has been due to the fact that people nowadays, do not piss me off. Yes, that’s right, people nowadays walk straight without straying weirdly off their path and blocking my way, they no longer take their time in buying their food and they talk softly when they are engaged on their mobile.

 

What the blubbering hell is wrong with you people? I am annoyed that you people have stopped annoying me. Maybe it’s the holidays; therefore I am less exposed to the morons at Ngee Ann Polytechnic. That’s one theory. Nonetheless, I shall be back with more insights once I get annoyed again.

 


  

April 06, Ransom Paid

 

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with Fyi - Spongebob Squarepants.

 

As the Spongebob movie ends its run here in Singapore, I manage to get hold of the asexual lead himself, Mr Bob, Spongebob alias Square Pants aka Gay Sponge aka the Yellow Absorber aka ‘That Guy with Tie’ etc. My publicist insisted that I avoid questions that had anything to do with his co-star, Patrick, as we do not want to fuel the rumors. When probed further, my publicist said something like, ‘they’re gay’. Either that or she was telling me she had a bad hair day.

 

Does anybody call you Mr Bob?

Ehy?...naw…I think you’re the first…*puts out his cigarette *

 

First of all Mr Bob, congratulations on the transitional success to the big screen

Call me ‘Mr Bob’ one more time and I swear ima pull out your bloody dick you wanker

 

Charming no doubt…Mr Spongebob…how was your stay in Singapore?

Thanks Man, it’s been a ####ing week I tell you that…first off my bitch of a manager tells me that I got to dance around in Plaza Singapura or some shit like that…#### that bitch..and im all like #### you…and she was all like “oooo u must the kids will cry~”. #### the kids you know? Im keeping it real here.

 

You are keeping it real by?

Im keeping it real biatch, why you have to fret on me like that man? I love my work man…ima a star…#### the director..he makes me work in some burger shack you know…going for all that inspirational bullshit…where even an average sponge working in an average job can go places…#### him.

 

I heard they had to put in a stunt double for your beloved Gary?

Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, oh man I love Gary. You see in one of the episodes, he was the lead you know…but #### that…I hadn’t given him his breakfast, so I told the director; you have to put a stunt double for him man.

 

Then?

The director did. Bless him.

 

That’s it?

*does his hideous annoying high pitched laugh*

 

At this point, Patrick entered the trailer, claiming to look for some bananas. Odd.

 

Patrick: Hey Spongebob

Bob: Keep it real dogg, the bananas are in the frigde.

Patrick: Who’s that?

Fyi: Hi Patrick! I love your shorts.

Patrick: Thanks! Bye bye now

 

It was a surreal experience, interviewing a living legend like himself. I would like to thank this website for the wonderful experience.

 


 

Mar 19, Movie deductions

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Why Winnie the pooh deserves the R21 rating.

 

Winnie the bloody pooh and his bleeding gang will be on the big screen. You have got to be kidding me. I’m gonna deduce the movie title along with its characters (that I know of) and open the public’s eyes to what I believe, is a movie deserving an R21 rating.

 

Movie title: Pooh's heffalump movie

Now, is it just me, of does heffalump looks like typo error for “hump a lot?” or “have a hump?”. You know, some people prefer saying potayto, while others pronounce it as potarto. Same thing is happening here folks. Tsk tsk, a movie openly promoting sex in its title. Still not convinced?

 

Winnie (the bear): Come on, you folks really believe that pot belly of his is filled with honey? One word: Alcoholic. It is impossible to get a pot belly from eating lots of honey, which is an unhealthy obsession nonetheless. One more thing, he’s too bloody nice. In life, you just cannot be too nice; people will walk all over you. He’s a bloody bear for god’s sake, give him some claws. I saw on AXN that day about this group of people getting ripped apart by a grizzly. Bloody awesome. One of them had to have 4000 stitches to her head. Ouch. Now, you do not want your kids to be running towards a grizzly and asking for a hug now would you?

 

Tigger (tiger): He’s too happy. Life’s too full of shit to be too happy. There’s a limit to being happy, and too happy, and my god he’s soo passed that line that the line is a dot to him. You know why he’s too happy and bouncy? He’s high all the time. My bet is ecstasy. What’s yours?

 

The donkey (I dunno he’s bloody name): He’s a depressing pile of lard who’s stoned out most of the time. Marijuana perhaps?  Im sure you folks see it. The droopy eyes, the monotonous voice speech, the dragging of the words…a near perfect fit of a marijuana user, only thing missing is he’s dreadlocks.

 

Piglet (erm...the piglet): He’s too small and insignificant. I ain’t gonna bloody waste my font on him.

 

Rabbit (I think he’ called…rabbit as well?): Finally, the most ‘normal’ (if you disregard that he’s a rabbit) of the gang. The realistic cynic. The rabbit. They should make a movie out of him. Why isn’t he the lead? “Rabbit and gang”. Sounds way better that some pussy “Winnie the Pooh”, and can somebody please, in the name of all things that is good and holy, tell me what the ‘pooh’ is suppose to mean? Some code word for sex and violence perhaps? Drugs? Lesbianism?

Now you know, why this film deserve a R21 rating.

 


Mar 17, Hostage

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Rant baby, rant.

 

As of now, my windows media player is blasting the song ‘A whole new world’ from the movie Aladdin. You all know that movie, the one with the hot Persian/Indian princess, Jasmine I think. Who cares if she’s a bloody cartoon, she is hot. Makes me envy the people who drew her, don’t they get turned on in the midst of drawing her or something?

 

It’s like, people who can draw, do not need to download porn. Think about it, they’ll go, “oh heck, I’ll just draw….make em extra perky <insert drool here>”. Shitheads. You know who else are shitheads? Bleeding teenage girls with their stupid backpacks full of teddy bears and chains and what nots. Annoying dumb cows I tell you. It is unbelievably annoying to see a bag full of like chains, teddy bears; they look like a walking provision shop. The noise they make, they ought to get shot.

 

Oh and another group of people that ought to get shot are those bikers with their incredibly loud exhaust pipes. Vreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng Vreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng. Goodness me. Before my ranting gets the better of me, go see Hostage folks. It’s alright.

 


 

Mar 13, Held hostage by assignments

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Why minah?

 

Below are some of the questions posted,

 

Are there minahs in JC?

Hmm, an amazing question. After much research, I’ve concluded that no, there are no minahs in the JCs, cause if there were any, then Singapore will start snowing. Since Singapore has yet to experience snow or winter for that matter, no Minahs have managed to penetrate into the JC market. Penetrated by JC guys? That’s a different topic altogether.

 

Why the heavy dosage makeup?

I really have no bloody idea. They look worse than shit without it? *shrugs*

 

Why do they pass up intellectual sophisticated and charming guys for mutts?

This parody has been long looked into by me. Maybe because they see the ability to wear tapered pants as a major achievement? The fact of the matter is, it is frustrating to see a bloody hot minah (yes, they do exist folks) with a guy that looks like a cross between my black ass and a donkey’s penis, also know as a Mutt, walking hand in hand. This is the part I start sobbing quietly in my room. The term, birds of the same feather flock together, applies here.

 

Why do they like singing loudly on buses? And what song are they singing?

They like to sing loudly because they are on a mission to annoy the blubbering shit out of my life and make it more and more miserable by the second. I start tearing every time these Beyonce or Kelly wannabes start their pathetic excuse for a singing voice. Bloody dipshits, even my kettle produces more harmonic tunes.

 

In continuation to the second part of the question, various mutt and minah songs have been recorded and circulated around the internet. Go find them yourself shitheads.

 


 

Feb 22, Hello

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Traveling

 

I think traveling alone or with a group of friends is a must for any individual to ascertain his/her independence in the real world. Defining traveling as of course being at least overseas and no, it’s not a major achievement to have ‘visited Pulau Ubin’. I’ll bloody go to that bloody island if I want to. Yes, I know, watching trees and birds will most definitely guarantee you a gratifying experience to say the least, no?

 

The only time I’ve been overseas with my buddies was late last year. Nothing fancy, just the three of us grinning excitedly to Sunway Lagoon. Yes, we did that literally.

 

It’s time to look further up (left, right etc) and really start exploring. We wanted to go Phuket but our balls shrank due to the recent events. Indonesia was next on our list, but we figured taking pictures with rebels would be quite a catch and no doubt returning with a friend’s severed head as a souvenir can be quite exhilarating.  

 

Istanbul has always been a must visit place for me since like…15 (when hormones took over and I found Arabian girls to be oh-so delectable). Here’s a list of places I just have to visit, before I die.

 

  1. Major cities in Europe, Istanbul, Rome etc.
  2. Jump off the world’s tallest bungee jump in New Zealand, but at 500 meters, I figured I’ll die of a heart attack halfway down. (hence I’ll do this when im like…87 years old or something)
  3. Middle East. Jordan and UAE to be exact.
  4. Alyssa Milano’s bedroom.
  5. Rio de Janeiro. Goodness me the beaches. The people at the beaches. Instant cure for people suffering from erectile dysfunction.
  6. Hawaii. Aloha~~

 

I can’t think of anything else at the moment and oh, im still compiling the questions regarding the Minah entry.

 


 

Feb 10, Educational Entry

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Minah, Boleh kenal tak? (Can I get to know you Minah?)

 

I was chatting with an acquaintance the other day and I was making a phenomenal joke on minahs when the bloke, instead of laughing his bloody head off, asked me ‘What is minah?’. He was extremely lucky that he was behind a screen or I would have bitch slapped him right there and then. However, I am a nice guy, so I’ve conjured up an introductory crash course on…that’s right…Minahs.

 

First off, definition

 

Minah(s)- Noun. A Malay, female, usually young of age (varies). Usually lacks in either or both of the following departments;

  1. clothes
  2. Intellect

-A trademark of them is their ‘wear make up like there’s no tomorrow’ appearance. Therefore, do not be alarm if some of you start choking on dust particles all of a sudden in particular spots in the town area because rest assured, it’s not you.

- Another trademark is their lust for the color black, in terms of clothing. Scientists have yet discovered the true reason behind it. Will keep you posted.

- Yes, it is possible, with a little bit of luck, to understand and converse with a minah properly. But, why would you want to do that?

 

After giving him the definition, his inquisitive nature got the better of him and he started barraging me with questions. Extracts of our conversation include;

 

Bloke: Eh dei…minahs…where they hang out ar?

Me:      I dunno…sewers perhaps…MRT tunnels…and stuff.

 

Bloke: Eh serious leh…where?

Me:     *mumbles*…town areas…TAMPINES…bloody breeding ground for Mats and Minahs I tell you.

 

He was annoying the blubbering shit out of me with his questions; therefore I’ve concluded that my next few entries will be dedicated to knowing more about minahs. From where they hang out, to how they talk, to why they talk like that. If you have any questions regarding them, do email me.

 


 

Feb 6, Clogged Nose

 

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with FYI- Jessica Alba

 

After watching the Sin City trailer for the 20512512611th time, I contacted my publicist (which was myself of course) to arrange a dinner date cum interview session with the oh-so-hot Jessica Alba (Alyssa sweetheart…don’t worry, you are still number 1 in my heart).

 

First off, I just think that you are bloody hot

*blushes*…aww…how sweet…thank you hun..

 

Can I touch you?

Pardon?

 

*clears throat*…I mean…how do you go through life being so hot?

*laughs + flicks hair combo*…you are a darling no doubt…you are here to ask me about Sin City right?

 

Forget that…I mean….sheesh…if I were you…I think I’ll get turned on every time I look into the mirror…I won’t need any guy you know…I’ll be all like “damn look at my ass…and my goodness I have great bobos”

*motions her publicist*…erm ya ok…could we stick to the movie please?

 

Oh alright…Sin City…one of the most original trailers I’ve seen yet…how was it working with soo many stars? (Bruce Willis, Josh Hartnett, Brittany Murphy etc)

It was such an enriching experience! I learned so much from all of them! It was pretty intense…first few months of the shoot…I didn’t want to screw anything up

 

Other than Sin City, you will also be starring as one of the members of the Fantastic Four right? Tell me, why the suicidal plunge?

*laughs*…yes I’ll be acting in Fantastic Four…suicidal plunge? Meaning?

 

Come on…why play a lame ass group of superheroes…I mean…Fantastic Four…trust me sweetheart you are putting your career on the line with this one…why not play some real tough superheroes…like like…Ninja Turtles! Now those guys kick ass. You could play as April O Neil!

*publicists whispers some conspiracy into her ears*…yea sorry…I have to go now…have a nice time ya?

 

What? Nice time? Doing what? Wanking? You haven’t answered my ‘can I touch you’ question!...Oi!...Bloody hot idiot.

 

Oh well. For those who’ve not seen the Sin City trailer, I recommend that you do at the following website.

www.apple.com/trailers

 


 

Jan 23, Esplanade...

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Part II- The Return of the Ridiculous Expectations

 

Before I begin my next article, here’s a public service announcement.

 

Public Service Announcement: You bloody dimwits. If you are at a bus or a train, do not magically fall asleep if you see an old folk gingerly making his/her way down the aisle. Carry your shitty ass up and acknowledge the old fellows to sit at your sit (motioning them to sit on your lap is a big no-no fellows). It’s not that hard is it? You retarded donkeys…what are you so afraid off? Be a man (or a woman) god damn it and give up your seat

*Guys should try to let their GF know where and wat their doing all the time.. SO should their Girl..

- "hi…im wanking at the moment"…."hi sweety…im scratching my balls at the moment"…"hey sexy…im watching porn with the guys at the moment…what bout you?"…Like that?

*Guys should NEVER Flirt around too Much.. SG is too small...Everyone would know that ya a JErk..
Girls can gossip quite alot..

- Constant flirting does not translate to being a jerk. Constant screwing however, is a different story. Especially so after you told every girl that you screwed that she’s your true love.

*Guys DO CRY.. they haf feelings too.. But dun CRY to Often...Coz its NOT very manly.. Besides ya be known as a WIMP..

- Amen.


*Guys should never give excuses like
` - SOrry I fell asleep..
` - Sorry I was caught in a jam..
` - Sorry my hp went Low..
` - Opps.. I didn't know that..
` - Oh i forgot...

- Bloody shitheads. Girls should never give excuses such as

 - I have a headache

 - im having my period

Shit…at least we put a ‘sorry’ in front of our excuses.

*Guys should be DARING to meet ani of their GF's friends, relatives.. blah blah...

-  I have no problems meeting the relatives. But the problem here you see is that erm…isn’t the 4th day of the relationship a wee bit too soon?

*Guys should never make their GF to beg for them to do this or that..

- oh come on…girls on their knees are sexy…( oh oh touchy touchy~)


*Guy should Learn to behave themselves at times..

- Hmmm. No.

 

*Guys should always FEEL like a girl when guys r wif their GF.. Girls like guys who can be their bestfriend too.. Understanding.. etc..

-  What the? I outta slap this blubbering donkey-ish writer. I’ll try to implement this rule here when the next girl I date is having her period ait? “OH MY goodness!. MY balls are bleeding!”. Im feeling like a girl alright.

*Guys. when ur gf say i love u truly. they reali mean it..

- DO take note guys. When your gfs say ‘I love you truly’, they really mean it. So if they’re just saying ‘I love you’, they’re just screwing with you.


Comment of the day; 

 

Part I- Ridiculous Expectations

 

Now im sure many of you remember my assault on the list of things that girls supposedly want guys to know. You know I nearly had a seizure + fits combo when I came across another dimwitted list that stated the ‘expectations for gal’s BFs’. Everybody together now…1…2…3…puke. That’s right. Here’s my bloody analysis (On some of them, and no im not gonna list them all, cause I’ll really start puking on my keyboard).

*Guys should NEVER make a Girl WAIT...
- Isn’t it the other way around? “wait wait…I need to put on my lipstick…wait wait…I need to put on my push up cause my tits are touching my knees.…wait wait…I need to put stuff on my hair cause im balding”. Shitheads.


*Guys should be MORE sensitive to a girl's
feelings..
- ME: blowjob?..please?

  HER: FOR THE LAST TIME…NO YOU RETARD!!

Conclusion: She wasn’t sensitive to my feelings…why should I be? I was quite hurt at being called a retard. A man has his needs.

*Guys should NEVER neglect their GF just
becoz of their buddies..
- Unless you are openly comfortable about me commenting on some girl’s bobos being very bouncy or you know some important statistical infomation on an upcoming soccer match…I suggest you let it be.


*Guys should NEVER LIE.. coz the Girls r
SMART these days..

- Ahh….these days ehy. I guess they really were dumb shits last time? What…don’t get angry at me…I didn’t write that.


*Guys should be MORE Patient and
Understanding when its the "time of the
MOnth" for the Girls..
They tend to haf MOOD SwIngs...
- Gurls should be MORE Patient and understanding when it’s the “time of the day” for guys. In other words,when we get horny. *coughs*

*Guys should MAKE DECISIONS... Not say "
dunno lar.. or anithing larz.." Girls like guys
who can make decisions.. whether is where
to eat or go or do.. Bleahz~~

- Hell yeah…finally something I agree upon. Guys if you are under queen control, I personally give you authorization to bitch slap yourself.

*Guys should Try to send their GF home
from sch or work if they haf the time despite
the distance.. Besides SG isn't very big..

- My ez-link disagrees. It bleeps not only because money’s being deducted, also cause it’s censoring it’s own version of vulgarities. “I can’t believe this bitch..,bleep bleep…not like she’s paralyzed…bleep bleep…and she’s too ugly to get raped…bleep bleep”

*Guys should learn to call and sms their GF
ani time of the day/nite.. Basically give their
GF the sense of SECURITY.. tts wat girls
want from most of their BF..

- My handphone bill disagrees. You can talk to it if you want. Unless, you want to either have A) Phone sex….or some weird reason B) SMS sex.

 

The list…even after omitting stupid ‘expectations’, is still quite long. I shall post the rest at another date. Watch this space for Part II- The Return of the Ridiculous Expectations. 

 


 

Jan 06, my left knee...

Comment of the day; 

 

157.

 

Amazing shit. A bus packed with Homosapiens and none was a hot babe. Unbelievable. I had the unfortunate experience of being in a crowded…slow ass 157 today (what's new ehy?) and so I thought to myself…hell…maybe I get to exchange some glances with a hot babe. But oh-my-bloody-goodness noooo…even a Yeti’s hairy ass would have been pleasant looking on that ride.

 

This aunty that I sat next to thought it’d be hilarious to scream into her handphone for the whole journey (all 30 minutes of it). If the person on the other end of the line was from the moon…then by all means…knock yourself out aunty. I’ll even throw in a complimentary loudspeaker to assist the shouting. You seriously do not have to tell the whole bus about your conversation….and yes…even the driver isn’t too keen. Oh speaking of the driver. That bastard nearly killed me.

 

The definition of boarding a bus, in my opinion, is when I have planted both my feet on one at least the lowest steps. The driver, with his ever so wicked sense of humor, quickly closed the door when my bag was still making its transition into the bus. But alas, my super quick, almost out-of-this world reflexes saved my bag.

 

At one point of the journey, I was lead on by this lady with an amazing body. There I was seating and cringing at the aunty who was next to me when I happen to catch a reflection of the lady that was seated behind me. I saw long legs…I saw full set of bobos (nearly bursting out of her top type)….which already gave me enough of a reason to do the ‘im actually checking you out but im pretending to look at buses behind the bus’ turn when I nearly shat in my jeans. She had a moustache. Not ‘tamil star’ moustache. Nono…more of a…’I was in a hurry so I didn’t shave today’ type of moustache. Please…ladies…shave your bloody face. Please. I beg of you. I nearly had a seizure right there and then.

 


 

Jan 02, new beginning..

 

Comment of the day; 

 

Machines and what nots.

 

I just hate those damn machines at MRT stations. Yishun MRT to be exact. Bloody metal dimwits. The machine just won’t accept my 20 cent coins every time I try to purchase a ticket. The damn thing will just keep beeping. I on the other hand, will start spewing out a few beeps of my own if you know what I mean, much to the bemusement of the makcik behind me.

 

I’ve never been gifted in communicating with my electronic brothers. My virgin attempt at interacting with one was when I was 10. My mum just bought a new microwave. Those things were fascinating. You could put something that made shit look good and tadaa…2 minutes later you’ll have something edible enough. I thought it be wonderful if my ‘good’ toys…those plastic green men to be exact…got mutilated by my ‘evil’ ‘Dr Pencil’ (yea I played with pencils and stuff last time…don’t look at me like that). My mother of course, didn’t think so. As for my army men…they got severely deformed. God bless those brave men. Damn you Dr Pencil. *clenches fist*

 

Nowadays the most reliable machine that I have is my trusted laptop. It aids me in web based research (read as : downloading porn) from time to time and have always been my main source of entertainment much to the displeasure of my mother.


Dec 20, well received...

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds with Fyi - Brad Pitt

 

Journalists from all over the world were converging at the sin city itself, Las Vegas, for the premiere of the sequel to the highly entertaining and style infused hit of 2001, the remake of Ocean’s Eleven. Being the webmaster of this testosterone engineered website does indeed have it benefits, such as being sent to movie premieres. I am not making this up. I swear. What you don’t believe me? You dipshits are just jealous. There I was jostling for position with this horribly smelly balding dude who kept spurting out expletives at me which sounded weirdly sexy (I think he was a French journalist) when Mr Brad Pitt was within arms reach of me.

 

*reaches out my arm (i told you he was within arms reach) and grabs him by the collar* MY PITT!!..MR PITT!!..OVER HERE.!!..DEI!!

What the….goodness, me let go would you..

 

*elbows smelly balding french dude next to me…inadvertently of course*…oops…you okay man?

French Dude:…Ze noE~..jaem Pa loom lah thor~ *nose bleeding*

Brad Pitt: gosh! He’s bleeding…

 

Yea yea I love delifrance too…*pushes French dude aside*…now Mr Pitt…are there plans to make a third installment to this slick movie?

Brad Pitt: Is he okay?...gosh…who are you again?...third installment?...i don’t know..i was ridiculously good looking in Troy…besides …appearing almost naked in nearly every scene in that movie has also done wonders for my movie career…so I think…they might not have the resources to hire me for the third time around…

 

Yada yada…you lucky bastard…you shagged Jennifer Aniston…tell us…how is she in bed?

Excuse me? I outta punch your face you little twerp…

 

*nervous laughter…* joking of course…how was it like working with so many A-List personalities in Ocean’s 12?

It was an enriching experience for the most part…I mean…besides being ridiculously worshipped by millions of raging hormones…both male and female I might add…I think I managed to shed some of my good looks to some of the cast members…noticeably..*leans in to whisper into my ear*…matt damon…he’s just ugly you know..

 

Hey hey you can lean out now…I know im cute but please Mr Pitt…we’ve just met…I don’t want you sniffing my neck and stuff

What?? Come here you…*throws a punch at me*

 

*misses me simply because I am the best*….phew…you’re ugly!!...you really are!! *guards start streaming into the area to hold that lunatic back*

Who the hell are you?? Come here punk…ima show you who’s ugly!

 

That was a close one. It’s getting dangerous doing this ’60 Seconds With Fyi’ segments. I put my life on the line for you shitheads.

 


 

Dec 10, a treat

Comment of the day; 

 

Interesting insight.

 

The following are actual conversations involving either me and my friends or my lecturers. Do note that names have been changed to protect their identity so that they may live their lives normally and not be affected by the sudden shot to stardom by having their moment of stupidity pasted on my brilliant orgasmic-inducing website.

 

A: Eh dei…from here to Admiralty interchange…what bus ar?

B: Admiralty no interchange

A: oh…

 

A: *after getting down from bus in little india*...wah..here got a lot of indians ya..

B: Dei…this IS little India you know…

C: *slaps his forehead*…matilah…

 

A: *after witnessing a crazed lunatic crossing a busy road…headphones on…eyes closed…head shaking from side to side…totally oblivious* matilah dei...see that fellow..*points to the lunatic*

B: ya man…fellow gone already

A: ya sia…gone

C: *confused*…huh?...gone?...where the fellow going?

A: nono…means gone…no hope…cannot be rescued

C: huh? Ya lah the fellow gone where?

B: you idiot…we are saying the fellow crazy lah!! !@%!%

 

A: *shows pictures of his water baptism procession*

B: ohh..ok..

C: eh?..why got water one?

A: *slaps his forehead*….it’s called a WATER BAPTISM

B: *slaps his forehead*

 

A: *puts bag down at a table in Macdonald and walks off*

B: eh? Where u going?

A: im going KFC….where else I going? Alamak..

 

A: horrible service here..

B: *looks on*

A: so slow the burger sia…not nice also

B: erm A…the aunty (who works there) is behind you

A: oh..oops.

B: poor thing the aunty…bet she went back to the counter to sob over your remarks…

A: aiyohh you all never tell me earlier she behind me one…

 

A: your cock small lah!

B: your pussy’s too loose lah! Even Boeing 747 also can fit easily one!

 

A: ahh you look different from the pic…your hair has grown

B: whose hair doesn’t grow?

 

A: eh you are not allowed here lah!

B: why not?

A: *points to notice pasted on wall*…can’t you read? No pets allowed!

 

Those are just the tip of the iceberg.

 


 

Dec 6, School...

Comment of the day; 

 

Vending Machines.

 

I can’t believe it. First day of the new semester and the bloody campus vending machine thought it would be hilarious to swallow my 40 cents. My brain cells, already unable to comprehend why the hell my body woke up at 630 frigging AM, desperately tried to conjure a solution and the best it came up with was for me to utter the words…"u took my 40 cents" to the vending machine. Those words, combined with the classic ‘deer in headlights’ expression plastered on my face, made me look nonchalant in an almost surreal manner.

 

How I wish the following things are available in vending machines;

-         Burgers…Press 3 for Ramli burgers. Press 4 for BK burgers. Catch my drift?

-         Donuts…This is a no brainer. Why hasn’t anybody come up with it yet?

-         Hot babes…I love this one. Imagine walking to the vending machine and talking to yourself…"I think I have the brunette today…no wait the blonde looks hot." I’ll be damn furious if this vending machine swallowed up my money. I’ll be tipping and banging the machine like no tommorow…"gimme my hot babe!!"

-         Alyssa Milano (a blow up one? No? )

-         Sex….

-         Clothes…

-         Guns….imagine being in a fight and shouting to your rival…"you watch out…lucky I don’t have change…if not…that AK47 over in that vending machine would have been mine dipshit!"

 

I m sure there are other things which I would like to be available from a vending machine. I cant be bothered to come up with more cause I want to play Half Life 2.

 


Nov 28, im off..

Comment of the day; 

 

60 Seconds With Fyi- Singapore Idol Final 2.

 

I managed to get hold of Taufik and Slyvester when they were in, of all places, Toa Payoh last week. With their brightly lit eyes and winsome smiles, they looked like seasoned performers who've been in the industry for far longer than 6 months. I knew i was going to have a simple time ahead. Oh how wrong.

 

Hello fellas...here's my first *interrupted*

Taufik: Heya buddy...always great to have a fan...well ok make it quick...where's your camera?

Slyvester: Hi..

 

Im from the world famous stuffbyme.com website dipshits

Taufik: ehy?

Slyvester: *points and winks at me* <<<i'm not lying..he did that...

 

Nevermind...first question to both of you...give me an aspect of your life which SI has affected tremendously..

Taufik: i think...my relationship with my..mother..*sniff*..

Slyvester: *pouts his lips...winks at me*..i think hor..*coughs* how..i not able to dake..*ahem*..take MRT...cause now people waving waving at me you know? *points and winks at me*

 

You wink one more time and i swear(pun intended...he did the worst rendition of that song.Period.) that you're not gonna have fingers to point with and eyelids to aid your winking spree you retarded Beng.

Taufik: yo chill out dogg

Slyvester: *shock of his life* that is my trademark!

 

Don't 'chill out dogg' me you mat in disguise...please stop wearing trucker caps...i hate those..things..goodness..but my god...you sure can sing..

Taufik: erm..thank you..

Slyvester: you are not very nice

 

No shit Slyvester...my pick was Jeassea and Olinda for the Final two. Now i have to settle with the fact that one of you dimwits may be representing Singapore. Sigh...if that's the case...Taufik, you have my blessing.

Taufik: I've never heard of stuffbyme.com to be honest...*puzzled look*

Slyvester: what is dimwit?

 

You've never heard? This website? No? Forget it, im taking away my blessing.

Taufik: ...

Slyvester: *is twitching for some weird reason*..bye bye!<<<he sure is friendly

 

 


 

Nov 17, back to back..

Comment of the day; 

 

I am tempted to...

 

On a daily basis...i am tempted to:

  • mimic those sucking motion (the one jim carrey did in the movie Liar Liar) whenever I see overspilling bobos.

  • open the emergency door at the back of the bus and wonder what the bus driver will say.

  • ‘accidentally’ drop my wallet on the MRT tracks and cross the dreaded yellow line *gasps*, and gingerly make my way onto the tracks to retrieve my wallet.

  • slap the living shit out of any mat I see.

  • slap the make up out of any minah that I see.

  • sing out loud.

  • talk to my penis when im standing over a urinal in a crowded restroom. Giving encouragement such as..."come on bro…you can do it"

  • ‘accidentally’ walk into a female’s restroom.

  • push a police officer and have him/her chase me through a crowded area just for the thrill of it.

  • right there and then with a hot stranger.

  • say hi and smile to every person I meet.

  • get hold of the intercom at the MRT and announce random gibberish such as “Thank you come again” to every passenger that passes the gate-entry. Yes folks, in thick, Indian accent.

  • sneak into a movie.

  • pretend that I’m a movie star and go up to anybody in the street and ask…"you want my autograph?"

  • pinch a great ass and say…"damn girl…you got ass"

  • accuse someone of molesting me.

  • run naked in Orchard Road shouting…"they took my clothes…they took em!...those damn germans!"

  • make lewd phonecalls to SINGNET and ask questions such as..."if i fix my modem...will i get turned on?". Moan everytime the customer service operator ends her sentence and say stuff like "oh yea baby go on..".

  • demand that my lecturer not teach nonsense and that he is not allowed to make stuff up.

  • call the news hotline and make up a fake story.

  • call the traffic hotline and make up a fake traffic report.

  • threaten a nearby pirated game shop that if they do not give me free games on weekly basis, i will call the cops on them.

  • order a KFC meal at Macdonalds.

  • join a Karaoke competition.

  • be on the news for the wrong reasons and at the same time, say hi to my mum on air.

  • throw eggs at anybody who annoys the shit out of me.


Nov 15, renaissance

Comment of the day; 

WHY GET BORED?- Bus conductor edition

Yes folks, scream your hearts out cause the WHY GET BORED series is back! Our newest victim? Bus conductors. That's right, now you can annoy the bus conductors and below are the ways to do it;

 

  • When he reaches your seat and ask for your ticket/card, extend out your hand and wish him a 'Selamat Hari Raya'. Repeat the process every time he asks for your ticket and no, it doesn't matter if Hari Raya isn't even for a few more months.

  • When he boards the bus, stand up and point to any random person and say, "he didn't pay!! he didn't pay!!". Pick out any random person, either that or the ugliest in the bus.

  • Magically fall into a deep sleep.

  • Immediately make your way towards the exit and stand there. Keep insisting that your stop is the next one when the bus conductor asks. It doesn't matter if your stop is like 20 minutes away.

  • When the bus conductor boards the bus, immediately shout, "I didn't pay".

  • Whenever the bus conductor reaches your sit, change to another sit (preferably very far from him). Repeat process.

  • Ask the conductor if he minds paying for your fare.

  • Insist that you don't believe that he's the conductor and ask him for his identification. If he shows you, say that the ID is a fake and you've seen better ones.

  • Complain to the conducter about the bus driver and how he has been 'mentally undressing you' since you boarded the bus.

  • Make friends with the bus conductor.

  • I can't think of any more at the moment


Nov 10, festive entry

Comment of the day; 

Merry Deepa Raya folks....and oh MILF.

The Newpaper ran a report today regarding a 29 year old blonde that was charged in court for first degree sexual assault on a 8 year old boy. The blonde and the kid was having some sort of sexual relation and the daughter of the blonde also claimed that she had seen 'her mother and her friend (the kid) engaging in sexual acts'.

 

An 8 year old. Lucky bastard. An 8 year old. Sheesh. Ultimate MILF fantasy for the 8 year old. One part of the report stated that the boy would usually cry out loud if he wasn't allow to visit the blonde's house. The mother of the boy just assumed that her son was really good friends with the blonde's daughter. Goodness me, an 8 year old with a 29 year old. I hate him. This is when you know, the world is unfair.

 

It seems everything was exposed when the older brother of the boy found a letter from the blonde. Extract's of it include, ' Love ya! I want you! Gram (the blonde's mother) is working tommorrow!'. I really hate the kid. Bloody lucky bastard.

 

PS: For those who do not know the meaning of MILF, just ask any guy on your msn/yahoo list. If they do not know, they're obviously lying hence you should block their ass from your list.

 


Oct 30, educational entry

Comment of the day; 

Geography

Below is an extract of a chat conversation i had with this girl from london who added me on msn through my email she got from this website. Nicknames have been changed.

 

ME: im from Singapore my dear

HER: wheres dat

ME: asia

HER: wheres dat

ME: oh man u stay behind a fridge or something?

HER: Loooooool

 

Im gonna have to spare her…she’s only 14 . For the rest of you shitheads out there though…listen up. I am going to give you a crash course on my country’s history.

 

Ait…first off. Some malay dude took a boat ride with his buddies right and ended up on my country’s shore. They were playing hide and seek or some shit like that when one of the buddies went missing. A search party was called to which…wait, shit this was some movie I saw on TV a few days back. In the movie, the kid actually gets kidnapped by a Terrorist group hiding out in the jungle. It was some cool shit, cause the terrorist leader was this smoking hot babe with big bobos.

 

 

Ignore the history ait, let’s clear out some myths about my country.

 

  1. 1. It is not located in China. Like what the hell dude? How can Singapore be located in China? What ignorant shit is that?
  2. 2. It is NOT ILLEGAL to chew gum in Singapore. It is only ILLEGAL to SELL chewing gum in Singapore. Get your facts straight. (By the way, some local pharmacies are authorized to sell ahem…dentist endorsed chewing gums)
  3. 3. It’s an English speaking country, majority of the population consist of Chinese…followed by the Malays and then Indians.
  4. 4. Major attractions include…erm…we’ll get back to this.
  5. 5. Our Prime Minister is a really tall dude.
  6. 6. yea im still thinking on the attractions part…
  7. 7. Michael Fay was not canned for chewing gum. Now that’s another ignorant shit I stumble upon
  8. on the net from time to time. He was canned for vandalizing and shit.
  9. 8. Yes…attractions in Singapore include the humungous variety of food…the ability to quench an insatiable shopper…along with…the author of this brilliant website.


  1. ng with…the author of this brilliant website.

Oct  25, hello shitheads..

Comment of the day; 

Friendster cum Funny bumper stickers.

WhY dO Pp| tYpE lIkE ThiS??......bloody morons. A sensible statement made retarded by the capital letters which are randomly placed. Does is it make you look more cute? Shit…I bet a blindfolded donkey can type much better than that. Profiles after profiles on friendster make me puke blood when they type like that. If it’s done to make your nickname look nice…by all means knock yourself out…but for the love of god…do not type whole profiles or stories with that type of retarded writing. It makes you look stupid. Honestly it does. *nods sincerely*

 

This brings of course, to the main topic. Friendster. Ahh yes…a potential goldmine of Hot babes. You know how some people just go around adding people they do not know? I mean like if you want to make friends, go ahead, but shouldn’t they have a ‘stranger’s request’ first? I find it highly annoying when people try to add me without even sending a message first. Have the basic courtesy to introduce yourself first…and of course stating your vital statistics won’t hurt either.

 

By the way folks, below are actual bumper stickers found in the USA.

 

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

 

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

 

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

 

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

 

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.


Oct  05, hmmm

Comment of the day; 

MOVIE REVIEW- WHITE CHICKS

And i thought Harold & Kumar was bloody hilarious. Folks, go watch WHITE CHICKS. You'll laugh till you pee (a tiny amount came out from me).

Be warned though, this is a movie where you'll have to leave your brains at home in order to enjoy it. Sure, other movies may have played upon the 'male dressing up as female' ideas, notably, movies such as 'Mrs Doubtfire' and 'Big Momma's house', but WHITE CHICKS takes that idea to a whole new level with memorable moments including the huge black guy singing to Vanessa Carlton's 'Thousand Miles' (you'll know what im talking about when you see the movie).

By the power invested in me by this brilliant website, i hereby declare WHITE CHICKS be given 4/5 Fyi's licks. Ooo..kinkeiy~.


Sep  23, hmmm

Comment of the day; 

Congratulations..you're an Idiot.

I was listening to Class 95 a few days back and they had this game called the 'Missing Link' or some shit like that so what they do is they give you 3 letters accompanied with 3 clues. The given letters and clues are of course, part of a word and those who know the answer are suppose to call in. I of course knew the answer straight away when the second clue was given because i am that damn intelligent. However, i figured i continue downloading porn while they other morons try to dial in to tell the answer. When the Dj said the prize money was $650 cash (it snowballed from previous nights), i immediately joined the other morons in trying to get through.

So for 20 mins, i was redialling the number on my handphone. Unfortunately for me, some girl called in and gave a totally wrong answer. Congratulations...you just made yourself sound like an idiot, on air.

Now let me further analyse why she's an idiot.

1. First of all, the answer was 'Neighbours'. Now, if you notice, there's the letter R there right? Well Ms 'oh i know everything and i wanna call in just to let Singapore know how dumb i am''s answer was...Audio sound. One of the letters given by the Dj was the letter R itself. THERE'S NO R IN AUDIO SOUND.

2. AUDIO SOUND IS 2 WORDS YOU BLOODY MORON.

3. The third clue was, "borrows sugar from time to time". What? Borrow what? Now will somebody bloody explain to me how is AUDIO SOUND CONNECTED with borrowing sugar? It didn't even make sense!!!!

4. Of course, some will argue, maybe she didn't hear the 3rd clue, or the 1st letter given etc...well to those sweethearts who argue that point..GO TO HELL..only call in when know the answer for sure and it tallies with the clues and letters given or if you're ME...since the latter is physical impossible...you all know what to do ya..

Please, do not make yourself sound like a moron, especially on air.


Sep  12, yes folks..an update..tell your friends..whoopy-doo...

Comment of the day; 

Die you chain mails.

I recently became the recepient of an unfortunate series of chain mail. One chain mail stated that if i did not send out a particular email to a certain number of people, i will face a horrible death at exactly 9 pm. Well that was 4 days ago and im still waiting for my horrible death. Another email made me choke on my twisties. Here's an extract of it;

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE. They kept on walking until...(bla bla).

You have got to be kidding me. Which bloody moronic donkey would write some gay statement on the sand after being slapped? If i got slapped..i'll be like.."oh no you didn't~"..to which i'll proceed to lay some bitch slapping of my own on the person who slapped me.  Why the hell was the fellow slapping anyway? Why didn't he just punch? You see, if person A  had punched person B, that would have certainly rendered person B unconsious hence preventing him from writing any gay-ass statement on the sand. Below is the ending to that bullshit tainted email that i received.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who
had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the
sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone
does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Bullshit. The ''they decided to take a bath" bit is just utter ridiculous. Which two idiots would want to take a bath in an oasis in the middle of the desert? Man..if you're the writer of the above email, please do contact me cause i wanna slap the living shit out of you. And what's the deal with after experiecing a near death experience, the guy who got slapped actually took the time to write another gay ass stament on stone. Can you imagine yourself after being involved in a near death incident and instead of like calling your folks or taking time you compose youself, you take a small lil diary and write, "Today i nearly died"? By the way i would like to know what the person use to write on the stone? His dick or something? After getting it erect while bathing with his 'best friend' (yea right, best friend..sure). Man i hate those emails.


Aug  31, erm..no lecturer day?

Comment of the day; 

Rules Girls wish guys knew.

I was surfing the net when i chanced upon the following list. It's a list supposedly created by a girl wanting guys to know the unspoken rules of the female sociolagy. Below are some of them. What? You think im' gonna waste my time and put them all up for you bloody idiots?

1.When we are talking, please listen.Don't make us repeat twice or thrice.

My rule : Please stop talking.Just shut up. Please. Unless if you're talking about sex or burgers, or donuts, please, i am sincerely not interested in the fact that you bought new earrings.


2.When we are shopping, accompany us.Give us your opinions. Don't be a stuck-up or stoned person fixing in a corner.

My rule: Leave me alone at home. I am honestly not interested in following you, unless you mention the lingerie section , or if you are shopping for burgers for some weird reason. I like burgers.


3.When we say we are having a headache,it means that we want you to coax us.

My rule: If you're not horny, just say it. No need to make up stupid excuses like, "oh..im having a headache~", you shitheads.


4.When we are sick, nicely hug and take us to see a doctor.

My rule: Hug you? And get sick? Who's the evil one here ehy? You selfish morons, "ooh im sick..wait..if im sick..he should be sick as well".


5.When we need sex,you reject us.When you need sex, you just want it plainly.Unfair Treatment.Selfish Creatures.

My rule: Now hold up, which idiot will reject sex. This is obviously a lie. You liars! Women are the biggest liars i tell you. Always lying, why you all wear make up?..cause that's not how you look~..why you wear high heels? you're not that tall. Why you wear push ups? Your tits ain't that big!


7.We are capable of multiple climax yet u can do only once.The most only 2 or 3 times.(once in a blue moon)Don't blame us for not enjoying it.

My rule: Ouch..that's hitting below the belt sweetheart.


8.When we are making love, please don't do other things eg : watch soccer,answer numerous of phone calls, surfing net.

My rule: STOP making us horny while we're watching soccer. And who says we can't have the best of both worlds?


14.Please care for us more than your sportcar.

My rule: Can you accelerate to speeds of up to 160km/h in under 6 seconds flat? Then shut the hell up.


17.When We are talking over the handphone with our friends or customers, don't disturb us by arousing our breasts.Touch your own dick.

My rule: orh..oh well..im not complaining. 


21.please don"t throw your clothes and things in a mess.We are not your maid.

My rule: Please don't ask us to carry your shopping bags. We are not your butler. Seriously guys, if you're the type who carries your gf's bags when she ask you too, bitch slap yourself. Why must you carry? Be a man god damn it. Carry only when you feel like it.

 

More singaporean men turn to wussies when they are in a relationship. Stupid shitheads, wake up.


Aug  24, breaking news..

Comment of the day; 

Super Special Hot 157 idiot.

The rumbling noise that was approaching from the distance was undeniably familiar. I was too shocked too move. I mean, i've always hit out at the idiots who board the bus , but this time, it was the bus itself. It was a single-decker, busted-ass, old and dusty non-airconditioned bus. To experience the full effect of this horrendous sequence of events, i suggest you re-read the previous statement in a slow, shocked-filled manner, as if unable to fully comprehend what happened. Let me give you an in-depth analysis to why i do not like boarding a non-air conditioned bus to school.

1. WHY MUST THE WIND SPOIL MY HAIR

2. WHY MUST THE WIND SPOIL MY HAIR..oh..i've said that already ehy?

Hmm..i realised that's basically the only reason.

So i figured, i'd sit and close the window , simple enough, besides, for the first time in the history of bus service 157, there was this incredibly hot babe in office attire. Folks, let me impress upon you why this is a significant event in today's history. Below is the usual list of people that board the bus.

1. Very very very old people. So old, i worry at times whenever the driver drives slowly, this people might just pass away of old age.

2. Very annoying NANYANG GIRLS WITH NO ARMPIT REGION FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHANGE YOUR BLOODY UNIFORM! ahem..im sorry, that outburts was rather unprofessional of me.

3. Idiotic mutts from a secondary school which i do not bother to know the name.

So you see folks, but please, if you're a hot babe, and you know that you are a hot babe, DO NOT, press a bell, stand up, run you hands through your fingers and when the bus stops, you realised that you've made a mistake and quickly sit your ass back down, hoping that nobody saw your 15 minutes of stupidity. YOU bloody shithead, although you're a hot babe which i admired right from my bus stop, you slowed me down by pressing a bell at that bus stop and not going down !!!!!! (For the slow shithead readers, yes, that was exactly what the hot babe did.)

Man im pissed.

PS: But she was really hot though.


Aug  15, yes folks..an update..whoopdy doo~

Comment of the day; 

60 Seconds With Fyi- M. Night Shymalan

Welcome folks to the second episode of the 60 seconds with Fyi series. I had the pleasure recently of sitting down and watching porn together with M. Night Shymalan. He however, insisted that we cut straight to our interview session due to time constraints.

You don't like porn?
(laughs)...i prefer writing stories thank you..

You're gay are you not?
(puzzled look)..erm..im straight..

I watched your movie recently..
Ahh i see..how did u find it?

Rather messed up don't you think?
Well it was designed to be full of unexpected twist..

Yea i mean..the part when the donkey turned into a Stallion..that was totally unexpected man..
Huh?

No wait..i think that was Shrek 2
Yea i think so too..

What inspired you to write about 'The Village'?
Well you see..human psychology depicts a rather..

(interrupting him)..eh you're indian are you not?
huh?..yes

so can i call u dei?
(laughs)..

Dei...you watch Collateral already?
i would appreciate it if you stick to my movie thank you..

Fierce ah you..dei..your movie...quite interesting..
Thank you..

Anyways..any plans to do a indian version of 'The Village'?
erm..i think not..

Why not?..you're indian are you not?.Racist ar?
No no..just that my..

I don't like racist people..i am going to end this interview..you racist gay idiot who don't even watch porn..
(shocked)..


Aug  3, new band

Comment of the day; 

Thank You.

I think my website has touched many many people. Especially the 157 idiots that i lashed out at in my July 4 article. It seems that today, i had an impossibly smooth ride to school. The following people are to be thanked;

1. The idiots of 157. Thank you so much for reading my website and avoiding the bus service. You all deserve eternal happiness filled with bouncing babies and virgin daughters.

2. Mr Bus driver. I do not know your name, and i don't give a damn what your name, but i shall name you Mr Speedy. Mr Speedy, you're one hell of a driver. Blazing thru traffic like no one's business. You knew that you were driving a huge vehicle and vehicles around you were secretly afraid of getting run over by you, therefore, you used that to your advantage.

3. The people over at Land Transport Authority (LTA). Amazingly, almost all the traffic light junctions today were in favour of bus service 157.

4. The special idiot near the Adam Rd bus stop. You bloody shithead, you're suppose to wave at the bus when it's like at least 10 metres away or more. Not when it's 2 metres away from the bus stop and the bus crusing at 60 km/h. No wonder the bus didn't stop for you you moron. If you had gotten on board, you're stupidity would have spread onto the rest of the passengers and that would in turn make them stop at every bloody stop. It's a vicious cycle i tell you.

5. This website. It is the best website in the world. No, it's not a blog you stupid bitch.

6. Lindsay Lohan, i want to thank you cause i did not waste my money watching Mean Girls due to the presence of your huge bobos. Yesh i know shitheads, this has nothing to do with the 157 service, but it's MY BLOODY WEBSITE.

Let's end this article with an interesting fact. Do you know that the term (genre), Heavy Metal, was actually first used by a New York journalist who was reviewing one of Jimi Hendrix's performance and described it as, "heavy metal faling from the sky".


July  29, hmmm

Comment of the day; 

LOL!!

People who excessively use the abbreviation LOL, which stands for Laugh Out Loud for you shithead morons, outta be shot. Honestly those people annoy me. For the record, those who've chatted with me know that i rarely use LOL. I mean, let's say if i say something funny, which i always do cause i am the best, the LOL reply would be justified. However, if it's just a side of witty remark, you're not suppose to Laugh Out Loud. Bloody idiot, why not just type haha..or hahaha..to stress your reaction.

But no, some idiot had this blog. And every sentence that he typed, will end with either a lol or a LOL. For the love of god, it's as if he's living in a world of comedy you know.

"So, i went to sch today..LOL!!!...n like..it was raining..LOL!!!!!...n like..my balls were itchy..lol....so yea..update later..if i feel like it..LOL!!!..just kidding."

Can somebody shut him up, seriously. I figured, i should come up with my own array of acronyms and abbreviation.

i2Z-stands for- i am too lazy to talk to you shithead.

ggg-stands for- Get your gundu guy/gal friend so that i can slap him/her.

FYI-stands for- The psychology of Bobos Cross-Analysis.

I shall update this page. Then again. You all know me.


July  14, Balls..a whole lot of em..

Comment of the day; 

Creative Advertising.

I've had it. Tommorow, i shall contact whoever the hell was responsible for creating that stupid Dove..or was it LUX?..hmm..nonetheless..he/she will pay. You know which advertisement im talking about. The one where they will interview this girl and she'll reply in a ..'casual' manner at how dry her hair is. The scene will then be cut to show a sequence in which the product will be showcasted in all it's glory, accompanied with the usual slow-motion dripping of the lotion. A voice-over guy will then be heard telling viewers in an almost semi-propangadic manner the wonders of the stupid cream/lotion thingy. And thennn..the stupid blubbering girl will appear smiling like a idiotic donkey and telling everybody how soft her hair is, she will then make a lame joke at how her friends will tease her about some shit in which she will laugh at her own lame joke. Brilliant.

 

Bloody moronic baboons. As if they were not contented at annoying the hell out of me in my own home, they decided to screen this advertisement in theathres. Holy shit, i nearly had a seizure when i saw the same blubbering idiot, enlarged on the huge screen. Which meant she had bigger hair..louder annoying tone...and a annoying presence so great..that even my in-built 'annoyance detector' malfunctioned due to the off the chart readings i received from that advertisement. Please folks..if you decide to do run an advertisement  to market your product. Please make it creative.

 

Heineken's advertisment of Jennifer Aniston jumping up and down..you know..the beer being taken from her thingy..now THAT's creative advertising. Peugeot's also well known for their funny yet effective brand of advertising.

 


July  9, Oh..so hot..

Comment of the day; 

Mean Girls - Review

Lindsay Lohan is just hot. I mean, she has huge bobos doesn't she? Watch out Alyssa Milano, i might have to put her as my number one ultimate fantasy girl. I mean, it's bouncing and stuff, and like nearly bursting out of her top. Alyssa Milano, if you're reading this website, im sorry sweetheart...but..you got competition. Oh Lindsay, if you are reading this website, add me at msn ait? We'll talk. Now that i've said my peace, we shall now analyse why this movie got a 3/5 Fyi's rating.

 

First of all, the movie is about this girl from Africa and stuff..something..and oh yea..something about hot girls?..oh yea and there was this one part..but..then..nevermind..which lead to..LINDSAY LOHAN. She was wearing this top and like i bet the guy behind me, who went ALONE by the way, was wanking off and stuff. I mean come on, you only go to a movie alone if you want to wank off. But i can't blame that guy if he did in fact wanked off cause like he was exposed to huge bobos, and this was further accentuated by the huge cinema screen. The leader of the Plastics Girls is the same girl that acted in the movie Hot Chicks. I don't know why i told you shitheads that fact but nevermind. Onward, this is a forgettable teen movie with an occasional attempt at busting your gut to make you roll about laughing but unfortunately, it falls flat at most of the gags showcased.

 

One of the scenes has the mother of one of the girls lifting a small dog to her chest to which the dog proceeded to chew savagely on the mother's tits. Yes, that's right folks, the dog started attacking the mother's tits. And no, you cannot wank off to this scene cause it's just weird.

 


July  4, Going Digital

Comment of the day; 

Mr President.

I have decided to run for the next Singapore Presidential Elections. That's right, i'd figure, hell, i want to change some things in this country. Here are the list of things which WILL be addressed by me when i am elected president. Vote for me you shitheads.

 

1. IDIOTS are not allowed to take the bus service 157. Listen up, all you morons who take 157. You are slowing me down and making me late for school when you press the bell at EVERY DAMN BUS STOP! What the hell is wrong with you people? Can you try to NOT STOP AT EVERY BLOODY STOP and just make it a smooth and comfortable ride? Therefore, when i am president, i will strictly make this bus service an exclusive one cause even though i'll be president, i'll still wanna go to school and look at the hot babes. Yes i like buses. Leave me alone.

 

2. School will start at say...11?..1115 am and end at around....1?..130 pm?

 

3. Appreciation of Rock music will be a compulsory subject in ALL schools. Those who refuse to take the following subject will be shot.

 

4. Wearing tappered pants is a national offence. If caught, you will be hanged.

 

5. Scooby Doo cartoon series will be banned. Damn i hate that dog.

 

6. Bubble Gum will be considered under the "National Foods" act.

 

7. I will rename some areas in Singapore. For example, Toa Payoh will be renamed to , "Toue Padrios". Giving it a more sophisticated spanish flair to it. Shit, nothing exciting happens in Toa Payoh, ever, and i mean NOTHING.

 

8. Being an idiot is a national offence.

 

9. I will buy Liverpool Football Club. Sell all their good players. After that, i'll sack the coach, to which i would proceed to declare the club in debt. I would of course swindle the money and donate part of it to charity. Then again, with Charity, i do mean, the Manchester United Football Club.

 

10. I will attack a small country just for the fun of it.

 

11. I will force people to wear costumes on the last wednesday of every month just because i can.

 

12. Vote for me and i will also address those hunger issuess bla bla..

 


June  28, fresh meat

Comment of the day; 

60 seconds with Fyi

From the creators of the “Why Get Bored” series, comes a new hard hitting series entitled, “60 seconds with Fyi.”. In this series, I will be interviewing famous celebrities and people and asking them direct questions. For my first episode, I will be interviewing Mr William Hung.

 

First of all, thank you Mr William for agreeing to be interviewed by me…despite being fully aware that I don’t listen to any of your crap shit songs.

Thank you Fyi..for this opportunity and I will have no regrets at all..

 

No regrets ehy? Is that your motto or something?

As matter of fact..yes..it’s part of it..the other being..believe in your dreams..go for it..

 

Yea sure whatever you say…tell me..what’s wrong with your teeth?

*speaks Chinese to person in background*..could you repeat the question?

 

You heard me right..don’t pretend..i asked..what’s wrong with your teeth?It looks like it’s still under construction isn’t it?

*stutters*..there’s nothing wrong with my teeth..they are beautiful..i have no regrets smiling for the camera..

 

You have no regrets smiling for the camera?? I bet the photographer who took your photos started regretting about being a photographer when he realized that he had to take pictures of your teeth.

*laughs..*..hahaha..you are funny..

 

Im serious

Oh..*silence*

 

Idiot. Next question…why the hell will you be coming to Singapore?

*speaks something in Chinese to person in background*..for charity event..

 

*yawns*..What’s 346 X 12?

Huh?

 

Im sorry..huh is not the correct answer..fancy being from some smart University..

*William Hung’s father comes on the phone* Who is this? What kind of stupid questions have you been giving my son?

 

Oh shit.

*William Hung’s father curses in Chinese*…you better not call back you hear me? *hangs up*


June  22, the smell of being online..

Comment of the day; 

Modules.

Ah yes, the new school term is approaching. A few more days and i'll be a 2nd year student scrutinizing the year 1 students and giving them wrong directions on campus. Ahh..such power. Here are the modules which i will be taking for this semester.

Logistics Communication Technology- Woah..first of all i feel so damn smart just being enrolled into this damn module. I don't even know what the hell exactly that i'll be exposed too.


Quantitative Logistics Analysis- Im guessing my brain will be tortured and my brain cells stretched every inch possible and every ounce of potential in my brain will be unleashed...and im just talking about trying to spell out the module.

Inventory Management- I will manage stuff...i think. If all else fails, i'll resort to unit 12, "Fundemental Elements of Snoring". It's sleeping for you slow dipshits.


Principles of Marketing- Business modules annoy me.  It's like somebody calling your house and as you drag yourself to pick up the call, it ends abrubtly, causing you to unleash a slur of curses onto the receiver, despite being fully aware that you are screaming into a dial tone. How clever.

Supply Chain Management- Im studying chains, or some sort? Something like that i think.

Productivity and Quality Studies- How to be more productive? Im guessing some gay ass lecturer with a huge pot belly will be assigned to my class for this module so erm..shit.

How Rock music developed- The ONLY module that i look foward to. Reminiscing memories of "School Of Rock". Hell yeah. I seriously hope i find some rock chicks in this class.

PS: Latvia forever!


June  12, qualifying people

Comment of the day; 

Names.

Names of people are rather interesting. In fact, i can bet with you that 3 out of every 5 reader that reads this will know of someone who has an..interesting name. How do you go about defining an interesting nickname? Let's say your name is...Dick. That's right, Dick. You know what's worse than having a name that in another meaning that refers to a male genitals? Having a last name that seem to rather..erm..compliment your first name...example

First Name: Dick
Last Name: Harry
*tadaa*       : "Hi..my name's Harry..Harry dick.."

That's an excellent open liner if your're trying to pick up a hairy female gorilla with an insatiable fetish for hairy penises. I rest my case. Here are some other real names dugged up by me thru intense research. *ahem ahem* When intense i do mean..say..5 minutes of surfing. What? You really think im gonna spend countless hours in front of my laptop researching on stuff for you dipshits to read and wank off too? Pay me first. Then we'll talk.

Dick B. Long
Peter B. Stiff
Barry Abone
Gerald Korn
Harry Pitts
Jack N. Noff

Some animals sound funny. I want to meet the genious that decided to call ducks, ducks. Now that's creativity at it's peak there. Now below are actually quotes which sound like something else.

" So i put the ticket in my mouth..almost fell.."- Sounds like..."So i put the dickhead in my mouth..almost fell"

" Guys you should check out my uncle's bike...damn nice"- Sounds like..." guys you should check out my uncle's butt...damn nice"

End.


June  8, it's been a while..

Comment of the day; 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban- REVIEW

The lead actors and actresses in this movie are growing aren't there? It was only yesterday that we were exposed to the eager eyed Harry in his pyjamas and now, look at that. Sharpened features. As for Ron, he's getting buffed up. Hermione~~..oh..she's growing alright...very very..nicely. Okay now for the review.

This movie is really good. The new director really added a new element in this movie with his flair for the scenary shots as well as excellent cinematography. In this movie, the audiences will be exposed to how truly powerful of a wizard Harry is. No more crappy spells. It's a dark third installment, my kind of movie. Okay im kinda lazy to write really long boring reviews so i'll just summarise the highlights of the movie

> This movie had Emma (Hermione)
> Hermione is growing..everywhere..
> Sirus Black...damn that's a cool name isn't it..not as cool as Van Helsing though.
> A new Professor Dumbledore. Well casted, unlike that old slow retard (May he rest in peace)
>Hermione has really nice hair
> Dementors. (See the movie and you'll know what im talking about)
> In one part of the movie i got horribly confused. Which means at one point, it's kinda hard to understand. Trust me. What?.Im not stupid dipshit.

Now for the bad part. Oh they have a werewolf alright. A freaking skinny werewolf which looked like it escaped from a Prisoner of War camp or something. What the hell..if you saw the wolfman in Van Helsing and compare it to the one in Harry Potter, it'll be like having to choose between erm..having sex and chewing onions. Okay whichever shitface chose chewing onions, please stop reading my site. Another bad point? Freaking full of kids. "Mummy mummy" arggghh they drive me nuts. What the hell, their parents are wasting their time bringing them to see a movie which they can barely grasp. Go see barney or something.


June  3, the shithead has returned..

Comment of the day; 

Are you Singaporean?

Are you really a true blue Singaporean? There are various characteristics of a Singaporean which make us stand out even if we were overseas. We seem to give off a certain vibe which at times draw unnecessary attention to ourselves. Below is a checklist conjured  up by yours truly.

Did you get an near Orgasm when you heard the Great Singapore Sale was on?

It seems that Singaporeans get overly excited when they buy gum overseas. It's like Woah. Admit it.

Queued for something that is totally ridiculous which you yourself know is totally worthless but deep down you do no want to feel left out? Shame to you hello kitty people.

Dug your nose in public? Hey it's okay, no need to be embarassed, when you get caught, keep insisting that you're Singaporean and people will understand.

Ever shopped overseas and while at it, openly compare prices with Singapore and then say out loud, "Wah really cheap ya? Singapore expensive sia..here very very cheap". Just shut up and shop. It's as if we're making the place we shop sound like a second hand shop offering second hand goods.

 Notice how the tourism board promotes Singapore as a Cosmopolitan Society with a vast majority of dishes from all over the world? Sad isn't it. No unique identity. No unique dish.

When filling up application forms, Singaporeans include complaining under the "State your hobbies".

Complain Complain Complain, Singaporeans are experts at it. We are able to squeeze the hell out of any situation and find something to complain about. Light near my house not working? Complain. Elevator too slow? Complain. Wanting to wank in front of the TV but there's no up close shots of boobs? Complain folks.

Funny thing is...i still love my country...*sniff sniff*...all together now...awwwwwwwwwwwww~~We are Singapore~..We are Singapore..something something..erm...this is my country~~~~~~..


May  27, to cure my boredom..

Comment of the day; 

IRC

I decided not to accept the fact that im bored shitless. Therefore, i went into IRC. Ahh yes~..IRC..no doubt i made many friends there ( #melayu) ..but it seems to be over  run by mutts and minahs seeking coolness approval with various concepts  nowadays. Then again, i decided to become a 15/f/sengkang. *grins*

Below is an actual chat transcript with my first victim.
<dope> u ada bf ke ( you have bf?)
<Linda15> no..me dunch have bf~ (im linda15)
<Linda15> interested ya?
<Linda15> heheheh (15 yr olds are known to be gigglish)
<dope> yes.. hehe
<dope> u ada brapa ex? (how many ex bfs do you have?)
<Linda15> i have 23 ex
<dope> wah siao liao
<dope> so many ah
<Linda15> hehehe
<Linda15> u so funny~ (no he wasn't funny, just that 15 year old girls always think that everything is funny)
<Linda15> not dat many lahh
<dope> my gosh

At this point, i told him brb (be right back), to which i proceeded to update my website. Poor dope, he's still waiting for me. Alright, for my next victim, i decided to become a seductive 19/f/singapore poly student in the #sex.

First of all, when i entered the channel, i was swamped with messages from guys with nicknames ranging from DICK to Abang~. Weird. Here's your next transcript. Again, my nickname is Linda. (No offence to any Lindas' reading this.)

<c00L> u honey, honey?
<Linda> i money money
<Linda> *grins*
<c00L> u horny, honey?
<Linda> oo..u kinky kinky ya   (i dunno why the hell this guy talks like this)

<Linda> im 19/f/sp sweets
<mark30s> sweets? what do u mean
<Linda> hehe..*seductive grin*
<mark30s> tell me lah...
<mark30s> guess u are not free to chat wif me....
<Linda> sorry
<Linda> busy                               (this guy was kinda smart, knowing that i was busy)

The others however, were relentlessly messaging me even though i wasn't replying. Shitheads. See my point folks? I know some people who have fallen victims to internet weirdos. Behind a computer monitor, you have the power to become anyone. Bah i feel so gay all of a sudden.

PS: To those readers who do not know me, im a perfectly normal guy. Go away.



May  24, Helen has big bobos..

Comment of the day; 

TROY- REVIEW

What the hell is Orlando Bloom doing in that movie? Seriously  this wussy ass prince of Troy is wasting footage by appearing on screen. I hate the audible gasps by horny teenage girls which always seem to accompany that idiot when he appears on screen. Now that i've said my peace, time for the review.

All i know about the movie is some dude, Paris (Fag ass Orlando) steals the wife (this hot mama) from one of  the Kings of Greece (this fat bastard) right after a peace deal had been agreed between a city in Greece and Troy. See how idiotic he is...but, he sure has good taste in women. Fat bastard is damn angry, so he and one of his brother (who's also a fat bastard) lead other kings of Greece to invade Troy to capture the hot mama back so that fat bastard can kill her himself. Anyways, Greece also has Achilles (no idea how to spell, but we shall refer to him as blonde butt dude aka Brad Pitt). Ait blonde butt dude is damn cool. Egoistical and an excellent swordsman, his opening scene shows him in bed with two hot babes, man im jealous. Troy has their own hero as well, Hector ( the dude from hulk). The Hulk is also damn cool and one of the highlights of the movie is when Blonde Butt dude faces The Hulk in a one on one battle.

Overall this movie is recommended to all ages except for horny teenage girls who are ga-ga over Orlando Bloom. You are all not allowed to watch it. Go away.


May  19, Tanning..

Comment of the day; 

Have babies..

There was an article in today's newpaper about a young, perfectly healthy German couple who were unable to have babies. They underwent medical checkups and were found to be fertile but yet they were unable to conceive which baffled fertility experts. In the end, one of the doctors asked them a fundemental question regarding how often they (the couple) had sex. The reply was, "We're not exactly sure what you mean".

I nearly choked on my Oreo cookies (Oreos rule by the way). It seems that the couple didn't know how to make babies. What they thought sufficient (to making babies) was them getting into their pyjamas, and laying down next to each other every night. Both had very strict religious upbringing to the point where the topic of birds and bees were of non-existence to them. What i want to know is how strict was their upbringing. It must have been to a point of ridicule cause surely the guy at least must had an erection at one point of his life and said to himself,  "I wonder why it got so hard". Cause seriously, he either was brought up really  well or;


A) His place had no hot babes at all, or even worst, full of ugly girls which made his dick deflate at the sight of them.
B) He had really really really really boring friends in which their idea of a dirty joke will involve some guy falling into a puddle of mud.
C) He has never seen a porn video..

Okay, the first 2 are believable, but option C. Holy shit. He has never seen a porn video?? Seriously if that's the case he should be on Ripley's believe it or not. "Tonight on Ripley's, meet the guy who has never watched a porn video".. oh yesh Guiness Book of Records should also be called in. No, not for the record for being the guy who has never watched porn, but hold the record for being the only guy on the planet who is totally dumb shit clueless about porn.

I seriously would also understand if he's living in some remote village, totally cut off from civilisation or something. Sheesh, even primary school kids nowadays know about sex. Shit man, i have to meet this guy. Oh and by the way, German girls are known to be one of the horniest girls on this planet.

PS: Chipsmore cookies also rule.


May  15, When Boredom is your best friend.

Comment of the day; 

Holiday blues~

Ahh yess..the holidays are here. A wonderful period in which deadlines are a forgone conclusion. Here is my list of things to do during the holiday.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Yes folks. I know the list is empy. That's because i have nothing to do. Go away. Do not bother me for i am going into hibernation. Oh by the way, below are some useless facts that you can use for any situation, be it making conversations or talking to a stranger when you are standing at a urinal.

Do you know that...

A. Snails can sleep for 3 years
B. Polar Bears are left handed. (No, they did not take a writing test dimwits)
C. Contrary to popular belief, ostriches do not bury their head under the ground.
D. Turtles can breathe through their buttholes (Im serious folks)
E. The person typing this statement is an incredibly cute guy *grins*


May  9, Happy holidays

Comment of the day; 

VAN HELSING- REVIEW

I caught the movie Van Helsing a couple of days back. Here it is, my erm..unbiased review, on the movie, even though it may have swayed my judgement of it due to the unbelievable amount of hot girls they had in the movie, along with the coolest monsters around.

Ait, it starts off in black in white, which made me wonder if i was seeing a cheesy 60's remake of the movie Frankestein. Anyways, bla bla...im not going to elaborate on that part cause A) They didn't have hot girls and B) The only time big old Frankenstien was cool when he threw some round metal thing at Dracula. Next.

Anyways a year later, and thank god the world got it's color back, we go back to the story of Van Helsing. Alright Van Helsing is just damn cool. With a name like that, it doesn't really matter if you are overweight, short, god damn stupid and annoying, you'll still be cool. So bla bla (no hot girls yet) and he goes to Trasylvannia (i cant spell). And Wham, hot babe alert. Great ass, equipped with an accent. Dracula makes an appearance as well and bla bla..oh yea the vampires. The vampires are hot as well, but on certain scenes, i think the director was trying to slip in some, A) Lesbian action B) 3-some action..hell..im not complaining. Anyways in the end everybody dies. Yes folks, this is the only movie in which ALL the hot babes dies. For those who haven't seen the movie, im not sorry for spoiling the ending. *grins*


May  4, 2 more..

Comment of the day; 

Cheap Thrills.

Entertainment nowadays are very expensive. A movie ticket alone can set your finances back, at most, by $8.50. Therefore, i've compiled a list of cheap thrills for you crapheads to do when you have next to nothing, in terms of money.

1. Enter the train, and when you hear the beeping sound which indicates the closing of the door, you quickly exit it. Cheap thrill to the max i tell you.
Dangers to doing it = You can get squashed by the doors and potentialy severe your guts out, which of course translates to cheap thrill to people watching you getting squashed. Pretty cool, like watching a live version of the infamous, 'Faces of Death' series.

2. If you happen to board a bus, sit at the back, and press the bell for all the stops. After doing so, make a dumb expression on your face when the driver stops the bus.
Dangers to doing it = A potential verbal assault on you by the bus driver which would ultimately bring your coolness level to negative hundred. This is also not including the piercing stares that you will receive from the surrounding passengers. And oh by the way, do not be a dumbass please. For example, do not do the above cheap thrill if you're like the only passenger on the bus.

3. Dig your nose
Dangers to doing it = You have got to be kidding me right. Oh yea, unless of course you get caught. Then no matter where you hide your face, even if it's up your ass, people wil still know you dig your nose in the open public. Free show like that.

4. Dine and dash. Free food, free exercise. What more can i say.
Dangers to doing it = A potential ass whooping encounter with the owner of the restaurant/diner etc as well as an embarrasing event in which again, even if you were to hide your head up your own ass, people will recognise you.

hmmmmm..


Apr  29, 3 more..

Comment of the day;

Blogs.

Blogs are interesting. Well some are. I like reading them, unfortunately, most just annoy the hell of out me. If some of you don't know what the hell blogs are, i suggest you go commit suicide right now. For your information, my website isn't classified under blogs. No bitch, stop saying it is. Most bloggers, as they are called, write about their daily life as well as their inner most feelings. Random thoughts are also a common content.

For example, i came across this blog the other day and the writer was talking bout her encounter with tampons. Yes folks, tampons. Right down to the gory blood details. Talk about information overdose. So i'd figure, hell, i can write a blog. Below is an extract from my imaginary blog. Read it or go to hell. PS: For those bloggers who are lazy at typing entries but still want to type something as they do not want to lose their 'faithful' readers, you can copy and paste the entry below to your own blogs and just edit the entry. Yes folks, i am nice. At times.

"Me day...was uneventful..woke up at <insert time here> ..had a <insert food name>.....LOL!!..was soo nice..i posted a picture of it..<upload picture of food>....newayz...sighh..meeting <insert name here>(eg, Tom,Sarah) later....i dun noe...i still think about <insert name here>..but..i think..itz for the best...oh ya i bought a new <insert item here>...gosh i luv it!!..thnks hun!!....newazy i going to shave my armpits now..bye"

See folks. It's simple. Oh yea, the shave armpits part can also be classified under random thoughts. Follow the above format and i can gurantee you that people will flock to your blog. If not, either you're really damn boring or you're just plain ugly.


Apr  24 , A..B..B

Comment of the day;

Let's learn our ABCs

Im trying to compile a list of hot girls in alphabetical order. Bear with me folks.

Alyssa Milano
Beyonce Knowles
Carmen Electra
Denise Richards
Estella Warren
Frederica Fontana
Gabrielle Union
Heather Graham
Isabella Hervey
Jessica Alba
Kelly Hu
Lisa Faulkner
Melisa Tkautz
Natasha Henstridge
O
Paris Hilton
Q
Rachel Stevens
Stacy Kiebler
Tyra Banks
Ulia Munstermann
Virginie Ledoyen
Winona Ryder
X
Yasmine Bleeth
Zhang Ziyi

Ait...im stuck at O, Q and X. Shit.


Apr  21 , Incredible Tales..

Comment of the day;

Idiot.

Singapore is full of idiots. I was late for my class and the idiots in the bus kept stopping at every stop. Idiots. The other day, i was queing for my food in school when the idiot in front couldn't decide what the hell to buy. He kept making those.."Hmmmmmmm" noises, complimented with the usual, stroking of the chin, a raised eyebrow followed by a hesitant moment in which you open your mouth to say something, only to change your mind at the last minute. For god's sake, you're not  making a life altering decision. Just choose your bloody food and get lost.

Then there's the "I can't seem to walk straight idiots." When i walk, they usually stray from left to right, completely unaware of their surroundings, straying into my path. I usually would respond by  letting out a loud "tsk" sound, to which they would be utterly shocked that someone would actually do that. It was as if i did some heinous crime and the expression on their faces resemble a chicken's last moments before being slaughtered or some shit like that.

What's with KFC's newest meal anyway? This sandwich thingy, for girls on the go. What the hell? Then guys how? Wah sexist sia...What if i wanted to order that. "I would like to order the erm..sandwich that one..you know..for girls on the go". Will the  counter guy/girl snigger and laugh? He/she will kena slap from me i tell you. Bloody idiot.


 Apr  18 , Amazingly..

Comment of the day;

WHY GET BORED?- Movie Theatre edition!

That's right folks. The WHY GET BORED series is back. Ever been in a middle of a movie and suddenly thought to yourself, "Damn, this is a horrible movie, im gonna leave now." WAIT!! Don't let a stupid movie swindle you out of like between $6.50-$8.50. So, why not make use of that money and start annoying other movie patrons.

Here's a list of things you can do to annoy movie patrons

  • Start laughing at scenes which are totally not funny at all. For example, when a mother of a sick child dies or something, start pointing at the screen and laugh hysterically.
  • If you know you friend didn't switch off his/her handphone. Start calling him/her.
  • Even if nobody called your handphone of if u have if switched off,start talking on it loudly as if somebody did call. Tell the 'caller' that you've seen the movie and how it was going to end.(Even if you don't know, make something up.) Make sure everybody in the movie theathre heard you
  • Keep commenting to the person next to you how stupid the movie is.
  • Keep changing seats around the theathre.
  • Stand up and watch the movie.
  • If people start laughing at a comedic scene, stand up and shout.."SSHhhh..shut up, im trying to watch a movie!!"
  • Start hurling vulagrities at the actors on screen.
  • Start kicking the person's chair in front of you, when he/she turns, look away. Repeat the process.
  • Say this to your friend, "I think the person in front has a really fat head." Make sure the person in front heard you and no, it doesn't matter if the person really has a fat head or not.
  • When the credits are shown, keep asking your friend. "When is the movie gonna starT?"
  • Wait for the person sitting next to you to get really engrossed in the movie, slowly reach out of his drink and A) Drink it or B) Hide the person's drink under your chair. I prefer both.
  • Start throwing popcorns around. If somebody ask you to stop, stare at the person and say, "Excuse me, im throwing my own popcorn. Do you see me throwing your popcorn?" End it by throwing a popcorn at him and running out of the theathre. Come back in and throw it again if he looks at you. Repeat the process.
  • Munch on your chips, very very slowly and very very loudly.

Otey i'll update this later if im kind enough. Not.


 Apr  12 , Going Away

Comment of the day;

Boy Bands suck.

Boy Bands suck. I hate them. All with their pretty hair and pretty noses and arrgghh i wanna punch them. Singing about love and love and love. "Girl~~..".."Love.."..."Together.."..argghh death to them. Most of them can't sing for nuts, and they are manufactured. Stupid manufactured baboons. Even worse are the record companies  who churn out at least one new boy band every month. They're out to swindle stupid teenage girls i tell you.

Which leads me to another group of people which annoy me. Teenage girls who go ga-ga screaming their heads off for these manufactured baboons of the music industry. What the hell is wrong with you people, how much do you pay for one CD? Some girls will queue for days to see a show? Huh? Why would someone queue for days to see a bunch of monkeys move their lips to a crappy song? Hmm..Idiots i tell you. They buy 'god knows' how many CDs of the same Album for a chance to get a free ticket?? How swindling is that?

Boys Bands, along with the teenage girls that go crazy for them, as well as Clowns, cockroaches, Mutts and the creator of scooby do should all be placed on one island and we should bomb that bloody island into oblivion. Man im annoyed.


 Apr  9 , Midnight Train...

Comment of the day;

Hello?

One of the most annoying events is when you pick up a phone call, and the caller asks, " Who is this?". I am totally irritated by that,  i mean, excuse me, you are the one who called, i should be asking YOU that. For that,i 've come up with a list of things to say if somebody were to call you and ask you that question.

Who is this?

  • " Just a lonely desperate guy/girl who wants phone sex. im glad you called"
  • " Your mama, and you are?"
  • " Ronald Mcdonald"
  •    (start moaning)
  • "Will you marry me?"
  • "Why must i tell you?"
  • "ssshh..shut up"
  • "Who is this?"<<this annoys the hell out of the caller. Keep repeating it. Trust me.
  • "What underwear are you wearing?"
  • "Nobody cares about me...why do you even ask..(sobs)"
  • "What is that suppose to mean?"
  • "You don't know?"
  • " Will you have lunch with me if i tell you?
  • "Someone who is gonna whack the shit out of you if you don't tell me first who the hell you are"
  • "This is the police."
  • "Sombody who would like to wash you belly button"

Email me if you have your own creative method of answering such quetions.


 Apr  8 , IAC

Comment of the day;

Im a  Politically Incorrect guy.

A person's acceptance in society is usually defined by the actions that he/she carries out. For example, if i were to buy a charity coupon, you know, the ones that cost $2, society might see me as someone who is charitable. What if however, i was sitting down and the person approaches me and starts blabbering about the charity he or she is volunteering for, and in order to shut them up, i offer to buy the ticket. Will i still be seen as someone who is charitable? My intentions were never to donate, but were to shut the guy/girl up cause he/she was annoying the hell out of me. How will society see me now?

From young, various values were instilled into us. Be respectful to your elders, do not neglect your studies, bla bla bla bla. Those were some of the more common one. In my case, i remember my mom telling me....erm..ok wait let me try to recall. Shit, i just realised i don't remember anything my mom told me. Nevermind about that, moving on. I cite this particular incident. I was chatting with a friend online, and i commented to her that a particular dish at a particular eating outlet was somewhat, below par. Actually my exact words were, it tasted like shit. She then said, "aiyoo..u think u soo good..u go the kitchen and cook lah". My in-built bullshit detector went off. First of all, i am the customer there, therefore i have the right to comment on the food served, especially if it's MY dish that I paid for. If it's bad, i'll say it's bad. Society is seems, Singaporeans in particular, are rather apprehensive at receiving negative remarks, opinions and so on. Yes, the cook did work up a sweat in trying to cook the dish that i ordered (maybe part of his sweat got mixed into my dish...no wonder horrible) and he did put an effort to it, but when  i said it was bad. It truly was. If nobody tells him that, then he'll continue cooking a horrible dish. Am i right? Damn right i  am.

Being politcally correct, in my opinion, is conforming to the norms of society. If you do not do that, you are viewed as an outcast. For example, if you were on a game show and the host asks, "What will you do if you were given $5 million dollars?". The politcally correct answer will be, "First of all, i will donate to charity..next..i will invest in research for cancer..bla bla". A politcally incorrect answer by me will be, "first of all, i would hire a private investigator to stalk Alyssa Milano and....". Get the idea? It's about being different for the way you go about. In Singapore, if you were to talk bad about the government, people will shun away from you. Why? Cause it is not politcally correct to say negative things about the government.


 Apr  3 , Star Wars..

Comment of the day;

Dear Mr Fyi

You know, i think it's quite interesting being a 'aunt agony' sort of writer. You'll get to read tons of letters from strangers whom you haven't even met, and they're telling you their love stories, family problems kinky sexual questions. Not bad innit. Wonder what will happen if i were to become an 'Aunt Agony'. I'll come up with my own column, simply titled, 'Dear Mr Fyi'.

Dear Mr Fyi,

I am very stressed. I cannot concentrate at school. It's because i like this girl hor..but ah..i think she don't like me. She in same class as me, but she never talk to me before. I love her very much. Can you help me, how to ask her out aR?

Yours truly, LoveSick

Mr Fyi replies;

Well Lovesick, first of all, send me a picture of her. I want to see whether she's hot or not. Next, What kind of a faggoty name is Lovesick? No wonder she doesn't notice you. How old are you? 3 years old or something? Just ask her out, if she embarasses you, suddenly shout (make sure everybody in your class can hear this) " Please do not get mad!!..i really don't want a blowjob from you!!". She'll be so embarass that her bobos (breasts) will shrink. PS: Send me her photo ASAP.

Dear Mr Fyi;

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.We've been together like 2 years now, but he's always busy you know. and like, my girlfriends are telling me that he's fooling around and stuff, and i think, but..i don't know. Sometimes i've caught him lying about his whereabouts and he will tell me that he's sorry. What do you think?

Yours truly, Shanna

Mr Fyi replies;

Bla bla bla..boo hoo..yap yap..you wanna know what i think Shanna..go to www.idon'tgiveashit.com , you whine too much. No wonder he fools around, and you're like been with..wait..hmm..are you hot Shanna? Send me a picture of you ait sweetheart?PS: Send me you photo ASAP.

Dear Mr Fyi;

Hey dogg! What up!!..Anyways, i got a problem dogg..i think my girlfriend knows im cheating on her man, and im like, woah man, i need some excuses dogg, you feeling me man? im kinda running out of excuses and stuff. I've been with her for like two years you know, well actually 1 year, i kinda lied to her that i had to go to Sweden for a year for some student exchange shit. Pretty smart eh?

Yours truly, Mr HOTSTUFf

Mr Fyi Replies;

Hello there hotstuff, or should i just call you dipshit. Yea i think i should just call you dipshit, you know dipshit, first of all, you're a dip shit. Second of all, you're not even a girl, so im not gonna bother reading what the hell your problem is. Unless however, you know any hot girls and are willing, wait a sec...Is your girlfriend's name Shanna?Yes?Well congratulations dumbass. No you're not pretty smart, not when you got yourself a girl like her. (By the way, send me her photo ASAP).

That concludes the 'Dear Mr Fyi' column.

 


Mar 31 , Singapore..Roar..

Comment of the day;

Bite me

Basically, this entry is about encounters i believe i had, well actually, might have had, in my growing up process. For example, people who got bitten by a bat are believed to be vampires, and people who got bitten by a hamster when they were young, would most probably be, horny bastards and bitches. (or was it rabbit?). Here's the list of things/animals/people that i believe did in fact bite me when i was young.

Werewolf- Gosh im hairy.

Tamil movie actor- Gosh i look like one.

Roberto Carlos- My left leg is gifted.

Snake- sharp tongue

Cockroaches- Holy shit i have a phobia of them.

Otey i'll update this one later if im not too lazy. On a sidenote, this year's Miss Singapore entries all look like shit, so no suprise there, wait a second, they've always looked like shit, year in, year out (Ouch~~). Seriously folks, if you want to blame some one, blame it on the judges who put them through in the first place. What the hell is to they see in the girls. This is not Ah Lian Universe for goodnees's sake. Im dreading the Singaporean representative that will be asked a question in the Miss Universe finals. (this is just a rhetorical scenario conjured up by me)

Do you think the modern woman of today are starting to be more dominant in the work place?<<Qn

"I think hor...ahh..worman ah..hor..more..dominmant in work place lah..cause ah...they ah..wore piss!"<<Answer by our Ms Singapore.


Mar 24 , Spookieee..

Comment of the day;

So how long have you been a pontianak?

I don't consider myself a sceptic. However, i am somewhat sceptical on stories relating to the supernatural. Okay i just contradicted myself there but who cares. Intriguing it is at times, the stories that i've listened to. Alright i have no idea what the hell i just babbled in the first few statements. I was trying to sound like a 'ghost guru' in the making you know. Maybe Channel 5 will even invite me to comment on the stories as seen in 'Incredible Tales'. So before that, let me give my faithful readers a glimpse into my expertise on the supernatural and give you people advice on what NOT to say/do when you see something that you think is erm..different.

When you are jogging along Pasir Ris park at night and you see legs dangling from trees. DO NOT stop, look at the legs,start drooling and say to yourself.."damn..nice legs.."

If you are driving and happen to pass the old Changi Hospital. DO NOT comment to your passenger..."I bet some of the ghosts in there are wearing a Nurse's attire..yummy~~~"

If you were lost in the middle of nowhere and suddenly you see a white figure with long hair and it's back facing towards you. DO NOT stop, look at the hair, start drooling and approach the 'person' and say.."Damn girl you got nice hair.."

Some facts about the supernatural:

1.No, they do not look like casper. And no ladies, they will not turn into a pretty boy and dance with you.

2.Do not disturb 'something'..leave it alone..for example if you see a that 'something' staring at you..do NOT go up to them and ask.."bloody hell why you stare?"

3. Same rule apply..if you see it laughing..do not go up to it and ask.."eh eh..share lah..what so funny?"

Run folks. And be afraid...be very..very afraid. Ah crap im tired.

 


Mar 20 , R E S..P E C T

Comment of the day;

Evaluation Forms and surveys

My school actually flooded my student email account with reminders to do a lecturer evaluation form. Bloody dickheads, like as if i have nothing better to do then to fill up some shitty evaluation forms on zombified lecturers who are talented at making people fall asleep. People suffering from insomnia? They can be cured after attending a session with any one of my lecturers. Below is my own evaluation on my lectures. Names have not been put in placed not because i want to protect their identity, but i just do not know their names. Yes, i am not bothered to know their names. Leave me alone.

MAT lecturer- He looks weird. Period. He tells me to forget everything that i have learned in secondary school. What the hell, then why the hell do i learn something in the first place if i am meant to forget about it?

MEC lecturer(lecture)- This guy seriously looks like mahathir. I have no idea what he teaches cause usually im either playing games in his class or surfing the net.

MEC lecturer(tutorials)- This guy is fierce. Action fierce only. Im gonna bitch slap him soon, why?Cause in this class, neither can i play games or surf the net, man...what's the point of going to school then.

BCA lecturer- Mr something has a huge pot belly. He also has a hairy mole. Okay maybe he doenst have the mole thingy, i might be seeing things. Can't blame me, im just too sleepy in his classes.

PAC lecturer- Oh ya i love this class. I always get to play games and surf the net cause the lecturer always seem rooted to the spot.

ITL lecturer- Love studying unit 4...Introduction to sleeping..and oh yes..unit 6.. Gaming Theories.

IAC lecturer- This guy is fun, until he got changed. I miss him. No, im not gay dip shits.

WAA lecturer- Mrs Jean!!..The only lecturer whom i bother to remember the name cause she's really a friendly lecturer. YEY! Unfortunately, she's teaching a boring module, which equates to loss of interest by me, which is defined further to erm..ZZZ.zZzzzz

There you go, my evaluation form.


Mar 15 , Half Naked..

Comment of the day;

When i grow up..

When i was in primary school, i told myself that i was going to be wrestler for the WWF (now WWE). I would have my own finishing move and my own music when i come out, looking all arrogant and mighty. I would be given the authority to bitch slap anybody i wanted.

Then i wanted to be a soccer player. I was damn good in soccer. Still am, not as good as last time though. I wanted to score for Singapore...and celebrate my goal by taking out my jersey and showing off my ripling eight pecs.

TV shows such as Ally Mcbeal and the Practice brainwashed my mind into thinking, lawyers are cool, funny people who argue for a living and still have time to go to bars and sing. Damn TV shows, lead me on.

Music was infused into my veins when i got older, thanks largely to my brother's acoustic guitar which i ahem.."borrowed" from. Trained and taught myself to fall in love with music, appreciate the arts and still call guys who are in ballet faggots.

The Amazing Race become the deciding factor in which i knew what i will become when i grow up. A producer. Hell yeah. Produce awesome TV shows, which i can act as a muscular part-time wrestler and footballer who plays for Singapore and moonlights as a lawyer. I also perform my own songs at bars on weekends and i still find time to beat up male ballerinas. The show will be called "The Amazing soccer playing part time wrestler who can sing and beat up people." You have been reading my crap. Goodnight my dumb shit heads.


Mar 2, Returning returns..

Comment of the day;

Death to you Mr Virus,with love.

I still cannot recall how i got my laptop infected by the welchia worm. Viruses suck. I mean, they just suck. Which idiot wrote this virus? Or is it worm? Who cares? They both annoy the hell out of me. They drive me irate. Last time i was hit by the blaster worm. Ohh man that thing totally suck. I should stop using the word suck now. Some people might get turned on.

What is it with virus writers? People who create this worms and stuff. What the hell man, you got sand in your vagina or something? Why so cranky? You think your cool or something? Well honestly you guys look cool in movies.  Okay, before you virus people get all horny after being complimented by me, read my previous statement again. "you guys look cool in MOVIES". Shit man, superman looks cool in movies. Try wearing underwear outside your pants and  prance around your neighbourhood and i would have proven my point dip shits. The blaster worm writers were angry Bill Gates for some shitty reason, must have been some gay "i only suck at the right price" type of fight. In the end, i get infected, why? For using a software developed by Bill Gates. Excuse me you moronic baboonic crapshit, am i Bill Gates? You're angry that he didn't suck your prick (i am assuming that you people have one) that i become a victim?

Be a grown up, come on, if you have a problem with somebody, go to him/her directly and start bitch slapping them. :D


Feb 19, .....

Comment of the day;

On your left...you can see the highway..

I was squirming in my seat as i just could not believe how incredibly slow the bus driver was today. I was the worried that the old dude seated next to me was going to die of old age if the driver drove any slower. Was the driver a tour bus guide before he joined SBS or something? It was as if the driver was trying to let me enjoy the scenary before letting me go to school. "On your left, you can see the highway..look at all the shining cars.." No shit dimwit, drive any slower and i would have to kick your ass, slowly.

You guys notice that, whenever you are in a hurry, things always go against you? (If you didn't notice it then too bad). The traffic lights, the bus schedules, some dumb kids crossing, hmmm what else. It's like somebody is messing with you, wanting you to be late. It's a conspiracy i tell you, a top secret government conspiracy to theoritically and literally enforce the equation of students divided by the ratio oh shit what crap am i blabbering. (slaps himself)

I've had my fair share of encounters with ugly bus drivers. Here's the list of them.

"No i didnt see you, even though you stood at the door and knocked on the door" type of drivers. Bloody morons, can't you see me? Can't you hear that im banging the shit out of the glass door? How many tons of ear wax you got stuck? Did it get stuck in your asshole as well?

"No this area isn't the bus stop area, i will not open the door, unless of course you are a hot babe" type of drivers. Ohhh..when a black dude tries to ask the driver to open to door somewhere close to the bus stop, you give me a messed up face, but when some dumb bitch with big tits ask you to open the door, you start jerking off at the driver's seat right?..what the hell man..

"Oh i didn't see you wave for the bus" type of drivers. This drivers are idiots, there i was waiting for like how many years, when i finally see them, they somehow choose to drive away from me,ignoring the fact that i was waving my arm like a chicken getting it's feathers plucked or something. Come on, you guys don't have to be intimidated to have a good looking guy waving at you to stop the bus..*grins..*..damn im egoistical...


Feb 13, Oooo..Friday the 13th...

Comment of the day;

Things that annoy me.

Here is a list of some of the things which annoy the hell out of me.

Scoody Doo- Oh my god this dog outta be shot. Which idiot had the shitty idea to draw this stupid dog? It's so annoying. What's with the voice? It all husky and stuff. Trying to be sexy? What the hell? Stupid dog, i hope you burn. Don't even get me started on the nephew.

Dudes with tappered pants- What are you trying to prove by wearing tappered pants? Seriously? Don't those pants squeeze your balls or something? That is if assuming you people have balls in the first place.

Minahs- These people wear so much make up on their face that it's an environmental hazard. Everytime they walk past me, the excess powder on their faces will sometimes leave me gasping for fresh air. They appear, easy, if you know what i mean? (Some minahs are bloody hot though) They give off this vibe which make me totally wanna rack their eyeballs out.

People who stop at escalators- BLOODY MORONS. What the hell this people trying to prove? Why not just move out of the way and decide where you people wanna jerk off instead of standing at the front of the escalator and showcasing to the people behind you how flat your ass is. They make me wanna shout out the song.."Move bitch..get out the way...".

Nanyang Girls Uniform- OH MY GOD. What the hell is wrong with their uniforms? To set the record straight, i have nothing against the school. I believe it's one of the finest secondary schools in Singapore. But for goodness sake please change your sleeveless uniform! Im like imagining all the sweaty sleeveless girls in class raising their hands to answer questions , waving their arms to stop the bus etc. You guys are freaking rich, can't you at least afford extra cloth to cover your armpit region????Sheeshness.


Feb 6, lalalalalalal

Comment of the day;

Hi..im Hung..

You go on television, you act like an moron, and suddenly everybody wants a piece of you. Oh man, if i were to go on television and sing Ricky Martin's she bangs...i'll get blocked by everybody on my msn list. You all know who im talking about, the asian sensation, William Hung.

They even have a website dedicated to him. www.williamhung.net.  Check it out, pretty interesting shit they got there. Anyways, where was i..oh yea, so there i was, watching American Idol and laughing and pointing at people when he appeared on screen. I nearly cried looking at his hair...but man he's from Berkley ( i cant spell)..if you are that damn  smart, you really wouldn't give a damn how bad your hair looks..

What i do not like about America Idol though is the producers. There are 2 rounds of auditions, and how on earth did he manage to past through the first round of auditions? (the one that's held in stadiums). I bet the only reason he got through was that they felt that the worldwide audience would find them amusing, thus providing entertainment to us, viewers. Sad isn't it? Giving people false impression that you are good, only to be ridiculed on national television. In other words, he went through to the second round, not because he was good, but because of the way he looked, dance..sang..i bet the producers themselves knew this. Damn, i thought i was mean, but this people are well...brilliant..*evil grin*..


Feb 2, ....1 2 cha cha cha..3 4 cha cha cha

Comment of the day;

BREAK MY BLACK BRACELET

The New Paper on sunday reported a growing fad among teenagers in the US today that has spread to Singapore's teenagers. Apparently this teenagers buy some rubber bracelets, each with it's own distinct color representing a different sexual act if it gets broken by someone. For example, if i were to buy a black bracelet and some girl breaks it, i would have to have sex with her. Green bracelet being oral sex or yellow being another sexual act etc.

Oh my goodness. How shitty can people get. First of all, teenagers are stupid. Period, especially those between the ages of 12-16 yea that's right..if you are between those ages and reading this, congratulations..you have just been branded stupid.  Next, teenagers between the ages of 17 to erm..20( my age lies within that range) can be stupid at times. I can be stupid at times. We teenagers think we're the bomb, we know everything, we're the coolest shit on this planet. We're such egoists. That's us. Next, adults are the dumbest people on this planet. They can be paranoid of silly little things such as rubber bracelets. i can imagine them going, "Oh my god, my son/daughter is wearing the black bracelet!She's going to have sex!".

First of all, leave teenagers alone. They have impressionable minds, the more this fad is reported, the more they would want to know about it, and the problem grows. Yes of course, by reporting it, adults/parents will get to know about it. Once again, adults are dumb, they get paranoid over little things. This fad has been blown out of proportion, probably ignited by a rumor by some dumb blonde. Hmmm great...my mind just went blank. Oh well, shit happens.


Jan 27, The Day of Reckoning is near..

Comment of the day;

BEAUTIFUL QUOTES

So i opened the email titled BEAUTIFUL QUOTES and out come some of the most stupid quotes on love i have ever seen. Here are some of them along with an in depth analysis by me.

"Don't find love. Let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."- Okay, this was the first quote which i read. Sounded a little logical. Im gonna have to spare this one and give it a rating of 1/5 stupid stars. (1 being less stupid and 5 well, very very very very extremely annoyingly stupid)

"I love you not because i need you, But i need you because i love you."- Oh oh, shit alert. Which moron wrote this quote? Someone ought to give him/her a slap. What is this suppose to mean? In trying to sound intelligent with this cliche, the writer has proven how dumb people can be. Congratulations dumbass, you get 3/5 stupid stars.

"Never love a love that hurts, never hurt a love that loves."- It sounds more like a tongue twisted to me. Im not even gonna rate this quote, it's too stupid. Period. If you never love a love that hurts, how are you gonna hurt a love that loves? What the...confused? Well, join my club. I bet that there are going to be readers out there who will say, "Oh he (refering to me) isnt sophisticated enough to understand this quote, he isnt passionate enough." Bla bla...im not stupid enough to understand this quote god dammit.

"There are so many stars in the sky only some get noticed. Among those you choose to ignore is the one which was willing to shine for you forever even if your glance remain elsewhere."-Firstly, i almost fell asleep while typing that long quote alone. It gets a extra star for being stupidly long. Hmmm what else, well i pretty much do not like this quote. 6/5 stupid  stars.


Jan 23,What's with people?

Comment of the day;

AMERICAN IDOL

What is wrong with people? I keep asking myself that as i witnessed American Idol on channel 5. Seriously, hell, i cant sing, so i shut up and sit my ass down at home. But nooooo..some dipshits will think.."hey..i can sing..im gonna be the next idol." Gosh man i bet some of them will not even make it past first round auditions for toilet idol.

Oooo..but some of the girls are pretty hot aren't they? ( For girls reading this article, replace the word girls with guys..duh) They can be MY bedroom idol anytime..if you know what i mean..hehe..any ways back to the discussion on hand. There was this one dude, i think he sang, Somewhere over the rainbow, or some shit like that. Yea, oh man, he looked like he was having a seizure when he sang. Look at how his eyes rolled and stuff. I bet his eyeballs themselves couldn't bear to hear what the dude was singing. He was horrendous. He said he had been singing since he was three. Excuse me, i think you've been terrorising people's ears since you were three. When i was three, all i ever did was annoy the hell out of my parents and shit alot.

Which leads to my next point. I think im suited to be a judge on the show. Yea, i mean, what's so difficult? Channel 5 will be coming up with it's own Singapore Idol after it purchased broadcasting rights to it. Hmmm..my two other judges will be, Alyssa Milano just because she's so god damn hot and..no wait..make it just me and her ya...oh hell yea..okok seriously...i can't sing for nuts and i know that. For those of you intending to join Singapore Idol. Please please please think that you CAN sing..no wait..forget whatever i just said..JOIN SINGAPORE IDOL. Then i guess it'll be more fun right? Seeing people snorting out 'melodies'. Sheesh...i need a drink.


Jan 20, Damn im bored..

Comment of the day;

WHY GET BOREd?-Taxi Edition (UPDATED 22/01/2004)

After receiving rave reviews for my earlier WHY GET BOREd? article dated 15th Jan, i've decided to do a Taxi edition. That's right! Now you can annoy your local taxi drivers!!

Here are some of the things you can do to annoy taxi drivers.

  • When the taxi stops, ask the driver,"Uncle/Aunty, can go to East Coast?" When the driver replies "yes",tell them in a annoyed tone.."Then go lah!!" and slam the door shut. (man that will annoy the hell out of them)
  • Stand at Ngee Ann City's(Takashimaya) taxi stand.When you get a taxi, go in and sit down, wear your sit belt and with a huge smile on your face tell the driver, "Okay uncle!Go Takashimaya!"
  • Wave a taxi, when it stops, ask the driver.."Why did you stop?"..when the driver says he/she saw you waving the taxi down, you say, "Don't Lie~~"
  • Rub your thigh, and when the driver gives you a weird/funny/"what the shit is she/he doing?" look, you stare at him/her and start licking your lips and say.."Just Drive Darling.."
  • Go in the taxi and tell the driver your destination. When you reach there, start crying and ask the driver in a sobbing tone, "Why did you bring me here?","I wanna go home.." (The driver will panic like hell..trust me)
  • As you flag down a taxi, ask the driver to wait and tell him your friend is coming down from the block. Which is obviously a lie of course. As you stand next to the taxi, wave down another taxi. This will leave the first taxi driver momentarily dazed as you hop onto the second taxi and drive off.

  • As you sit in a taxi, ask the driver, "Where are you taking me?". He will ask back of course, to which you reply, "You have not answered my first question." He will continue his pathetic attempt to ask you where you want to go to which you reply. "I love you uncle"


 

Jan 15,THe EGo hAs LanDed

Comment of the day;

WHY GET BOREd?

Ever hoped onto a bus, sat down and realised that it's going to be a long journey and you have no idea what on earth you are going to do? Sure, you can go to sleep, but it's so passe~~..everybody's doing it..why must you do the same? Why not be different?..Thats right!..Be different..Why not annoy the hell out of somebody..and have fun at the same time??

  • Here are some of the things you can do on a bus when you are seated.

    • Wave to the people in the vehicles that passes your bus. Even better when a bus stops next to the bus you are in and everybody's looking glum. If they wave back, give them the.."sheesh..is he/she crazy or somthing?" look. If they give you that look..you pretend to sleep.
    • Start talking to the person seated next to you, if they ignore you, say loudly, "I think you have shit on you face". That will sure get them talking...something.
    • Start poking yourself.
    • Rub your thigh, and when the person next to you gives you a weird/funny/"what the shit is she/he doing?" look, you stare at them and start licking your lips
    • Pull the hair of the person in front of you. When they turn around, immeadiately stare at the person sitting next to you accusingly.
    • Start talking to yourself.
    • Start bouncing in your sit. Tell the person next to you that you're trying to flatten your big butt.
    • Start touching the glass panickly, and yell.."We're trapped!!"

    When you're standing...

    • Pretend to pole dance with one of the poles.
    • Place your fingers against one of the bell and block it entirely. When somebody tries to be polite and ask you to move cause they want to press..start pressing the bell like crazy.
    • Walk up and down the aisle of the bus saying out loud.."I dropped my wallet.." while at the same time holding your wallet in full view of everybody in the bus.
    • Keep mimicking the ez-link "beep" sound everytime someone stands up or sits down.
    • Stare at the person sitting in front of you.
    • Sway around even though the bus isnt turning or braking and make sounds like .."Woah!!"

    Okay im tired.


    Jan 14,Alyssa Milano is hot!!

    Comment of the day;

    MY CRAPPIEST ENTRY YET!!!!

    Alyssa Milano is the hottest girl on this planet. She's so hot that the boiling point was invented due to her existence. I will now pay tribute to her by writing a poem.

    There lies a beauty within us all

    For which i seek to find within myself

    How bla bla..erm..alyssa you are hot..

    LALA..erm..i want your babies..

    Damn...what a horrible poem. Seriously,what the hell was i thinking. No wait i wasnt thinking. Does anybody like donuts? I love donuts. By the way, no offence to girls who happen to have the same name as Alyssa...


    Jan 11,Hi ShItHEadS!!

    Comment of the day;

    BE HIP! RETURN THE TRAY!

    They had got to be kidding me when they printed it onto banners and hung them all over the campus canteens. BE HIP! RETURN THE TRAY!..or something close to that. One word..BULLSHIT..no wait that's two words..but who's counting?

    What they are saying is, return the trays and you are hip, cool, happening etc. So if you don't return the trays, you're not hip, cool and stuff. Now tell me, which idiotic moron of a dipshit came up with that so called pyschological ad to target we 'innocent'( i use the word 'innocent' loosely here) poly students? I can imagine the person who came up with that line saying to himself/herself. "Yea that's it! This students wanna be cool right, we'll tell them that returning the trays are cool! Oh yea, while they're at it, tell them not to litter and that they will become Mr/Ms Popular overnight." Damn people can be dumb.

    What makes them think that everybody wants to be cool? Wants to be hip? Wants to be happening? Bloody dickheads. They remind me of Adam King, you know, the guiness dude. Man he annoys the hell out of me. "Get the girl, Get the car" what shit are you blabbering about? By drinking Guiness, i can get the girl, get the car? Oh really, will i get to whack the shit out of you when im done drinking as well? (just for the record, i do not drink). Back to the poly banner, no wait..let's NOT go back to the poly banner. Sigh...i mean, if they had just printed it as, PLEASE RETURN THE TRAYS, i seriously would. But due to some moronic baboon's idea of a banner, im not gonna do it. Period. Change it!..PLeaseeeeeeeeee..


    Jan 9,My Kittens are bloody cute

    Comment of the day;

    THE LAST SAMURAI: REVIEW

    Just for the record, the movies i saw before the Last Samurai were School of Rock (totally rocks!!) and Lord of the rings: The Return of the King (that was a mouthfull). Both movies are given a rating of 4 and 5 ticks respectively. Just who the hell i am to be writing reviews and grading them (5 ticks being the highest)? Im am just your average joe who takes the bus like any other Singaporeans and eat at any local hawker centre while first complaining about the hygiene than tucking in into my food while the cockcroaches start setting up camp next to my shoes. Therefore im the best man for the job (I know i just babbled crap but hell..ITZ MY CRAP!).

    Alright, this is basically the story. Japan dudes have impressionable minds, they go to US to hire this bad ass American hero, Nathan Algren aka Tom Cruise aka 'i-screwed-Penelope-cruz' aka shortstuff. Neways, shortstuff,oh, im sorry, i meant to type Nathan, reluctantly agrees to the train the Japanese Army to squash the rebels who happen to be ass kicking 'horny' (see the movie and then you'll understand) Samurais!!!

    Of course, the conscripts who were in-experienced and all were quickly shoved into battle as the other legions were busy having a bbq for the Emperor's birthday (for those who are dumb, im kidding). Neways, battle ensued and Nathan was captured (awww..how sad). Ok ok, seriously. This movie is good. It's those movies which can be quite predictable at times but overall, the storyline does keep you interested...sometimes...Tom Cruise's acting is surprisingly better than his other movies, but gosh, to hear him converse in japaneses is tortureous. It's like normal japanese people will need just a few seconds to finish a sentence but he needs a few years, and im just talking bout the sentence "This is rice". Alright im exaggerating (i know my spelling sucks so deal with it, i did, look where i am now, writing reviews.hehe..), but overall, this movie features a japanese village babe, pretty nifty sword fights, tear jerking moments (for those sensitive bunch) and a very enjoyable battle scene. By the power invested in my by this website, i give this movie..3 ticks..you disagree?..well It's my crap..


    Jan 8,I am broke...

    Comment of the day;

    YOUNGER SIBLINGS ARE THE BEST!

    My younger brother is the worst little brother in this galaxy. What?..You say your younger brother/sister is more annoying than my younger brother? You are wrong, just shut up and i'll tell you why..hehe..

    My mother said he's all grown up now and that he should be able to be left alone to take care of the house when he comes back from school.He's in primary 4 and usually he returns to a empty home. With me being in school and my elder sister working, as well as my parents working,so he's pretty much home alone. So he's been left home alone since monday, and the bullshit he had conjured up when he was home alone since then was enough to make Dennis the Menace appear like a saint..

    Day 1 of his home alone stint..he did the unthinkable..he dropped my !@#@!#!%! laptop!!..Geez i was fuming mad...he went into my room, despite my repeated verbal warnings of DO NOT GO  INTO MY BLOODY ROOM(why didnt i lock my room door?..cause the lock is spoiled)..he still did..Day 2..he let the neighbour's cat into the house which led to it(the cat) suffering cuts to it's cute face after being attacked by my own cat..Day 3..he messed up my room!!!..argghh..@!#!%!@$!!..the cd's were all over my room..he was trying to find the spiderman vcd which i told him he couldnt borrow cause he would scratch it and stuff...ahh i better stop now..if not i'll start crying..oh well..but of course he's still my younger brother..as the saying goes..he aint heavy..he's my younger brother aka dickhead..aka craphead..sigh~~..you disagree with whatever i just said?..i don't care..It's my crap..


    Jan 6, Happy Birthday Donavan!!

    Comment of the day;

    I LOVE SCHOOL

    You guys surely have a particular subject,module or topic which disgusts you to the core. A subject that you can't stand to go through studying and revising it. You hate it soo much that sometimes you wonder, who the hell came up with it in the first place? For example, i seriously hated maths during my secondary school days. I mean, why the hell am i learning to find the area of circles and all that shit? Seriously, if i decided to become a prata seller, would i really want to measure the circumference of my pratas? Give me a break

    Sure, some might argue maths improve you problem solving skills, sharpens your mind and bla bla bla..heck...i tell you what..PLAY GAMES..that's right..games improve your thinking skills as well as problem solving skills. It also of course depends on the type of game you playing, oh yea, just for the record..solitaire is the most boring game on this planet.

    And another thing, you know how this teachers,lecturers etc always tell you to try to like a subject and that you will do better if you actually start liking it? BULLSHIT..hehe..If you already hate a subject..and you keep telling yourself "I like this subject I like this subject", stop kidding yourself!!..come on...you know better..stop lying to yourself..if you keep doing that your like a prostitute who keep's saying to herself(himself), "I only do it for the money"...right~~~..here's a formula that works for me(actually it only applies to poly students..hehe)..if you hate a bloody module...cant stand it..DO NOT FAIL IT!! (duh~~~)..study for it..the tests and exams (i kinda didnt do my tutorials..:P)..and chances are that you will pass the module and move on to next term and you won't see that module again!!!...Dont bloody fail it dimwit..you gonna keep seeing it every year if do (duh~~)....by the way for those who are already doing this...so?..Itz my crap...


    people actually read my crap.

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